


Not Mine

by OhMyNanase



Category: Free!
Genre: BRO Rin, Depression, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Kisumi is such a flirt, Lost Kitten, M/M, Moving On, Overthinking, Police Officer Matsuoka Rin, Rating May Change, RinHaru Breakup, Sousuke Being a Nice Friend, eventual Makoharu, hints of sourin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-14
Updated: 2016-02-09
Packaged: 2018-04-14 15:18:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 46,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4569390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OhMyNanase/pseuds/OhMyNanase
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haruka would never give anybody a call, and yet, that night he found himself dialing Makoto's number.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Kitten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, THANK YOU for coming by and checking out my story! I am planning on posting a new chapter each week, but it really depends on how busy my days are. Ideas, suggestions and EVERYTHING is welcomed!
> 
> UPDATE: I wanna thank EggDropSoup for being my betareader and such a great help :D
> 
> Check out my Tumblr!  
> ohmynanase.tumblr.com

 

Haruka was a serious and quiet man. The kind of man who liked his privacy and only made small talk when necessary. He was not the kind of man who would ever give someone a call. In fact,  the only reason he got a cellphone in the first place was because Rin bought it for him as a Christmas present a couple of years ago, and yet the only use he had for it was as a camera; to capture all the new mackerel dishes he was proud of as pictures stored on his not-very-well-known Instragram account.  
  
Haruka would never give anybody a call, and yet, that night he found himself dialing Makoto's number. Understandably so, the brunette couldn’t do anything but stare at the screen of his own device in disbelief.

 

It was well into nine o'clock and Makoto was nearly done with his shift at the firestation that night, so he assumed it would be okay to walk out of the building to take that personal phone call. Makoto slid his finger on the screen of the phone, accepted the phone call and slowly pressed the device against his left ear. “Haru?” he called a name that never felt this awkward coming out of his lips until that night. “I wasn’t expecting a call tonight. How are you?”

 

No answer was heard from Haruka after ten seconds into the call. However, Makoto could make out Haruka’s breathing, the way he swallowed with nervousness on the other end of the line, as if he was trying to find the courage or maybe the right words to start that conversation.  

 

Makoto could read Haruka’s silence just as well as his mind. Judging by his breathing and the almost silent whimper he managed to hear coming from the other’s lips, Makoto knew something was not right inside Haruka’s heart. “I thought you were off from work on Sundays. Do you need another ride home?” he asked, trying to break the silence those lips were sealing away from him. Playing with fire, Makoto decided to bring someone else into the conversation to test his suspicions. “Or… do you want me to call Rin and let him know that-”

 

“Don’t,” Haruka spoke at last and Makoto froze. Haruka’s voice was like the sound of rushing water, a warning that proved Rin was the cause of his current distress. “Don’t call him.”

 

Makoto's eyes trembled for a second; he knew something might have happened between those two and, by how anxious Haruka’s voice echoed on the other end of the line, he could tell it might have been something bad. After a small pause, Makoto forced a small smile that could be heard in his voice once he spoke again. “You need a place to spend the night at?” he asked warmly. “Mittens will be so happy to see you, Haru-chan.”

 

“Drop… the ‘chan’, seriously,” Haruka whispered but Makoto just chuckled in response.

 

“I’ll be home in ten.” The invitation still hung in the air, unanswered. “Take your time, we don’t have to talk about it tonight if you’re not ready.”

 

As Makoto listened to the silence, he closed his eyes and tried to picture Haruka’s face inside his mind. He paid close attention to each second that passed, trying to understand his friend’s silence. Soon enough, he heard a soft "Thank you" from Haruka before the call ended and Makoto let out a sigh he didn’t know he had been holding for a while.

 

He remained standing there and stared up into the night sky, breathing in the cool night air before biting his lower lip.

  
  


By the time Makoto got home, Haruka was already standing in front of his door. He was holding Mittens, Makoto’s white cat, in arms. Makoto offered his best friend a warm smile and hurried to open the door for him and the cat. As they both walked inside the house, Makoto wondered if Haruka had been standing there all along as they spoke on the phone earlier that night.

 

Haruka placed Mittens on the floor and the cat hurried into the kitchen, hungry after a long day of wandering around while his owner was out. Both men took their shoes off near the entrance and headed to the living room. “It’s good to have you here tonight, I haven’t seen you since May at Nagisa’s. It’s been a while!”

 

Haruka shrugged it off, finding his usual spot on the sofa and Makoto could tell that Haruka was still feeling uneasy. Trying not to push his friend too much, Makoto sat right next to him and sighed gently. Woah, after sitting for the first time in hours, Makoto realized just how tired his legs felt after working all day. His green eyes were glued to the wall across the room, tapping his fingers together while thinking to himself.

 

There was nothing wrong with the silence he usually shared with Haruka. It was never awkward or even out of place, it was only ‘silence’… but nothing else; yet this time Makoto felt the tension rolling off of Haruka’s shoulders and the blatant uncertainty that seemed to be weighing heavily in his heart.

 

Makoto knew something had happened between Haruka and Rin. He could tell because Haruka's blue eyes were not as bright as they usually were and after every fight, Haruka would come to Makoto.

 

‘I’m starving," Makoto broke the silence between them and Haruka turned around, facing him for the first time that evening. “I know it’s a little late, but it was a busy day at work and I barely managed to have lunch around noon. I wonder if the pizza place is still open.”

 

“If you get pizza tonight, I will feel insulted,” Haruka spoke as he stood up with his eyes closed. “Just lend me your kitchen.”

 

“A-ah, but you’re my guest!” Makoto insisted as he walked after Haru, both entering the kitchen seconds later. Mittens raised his head from his plate and looked back at his owner who tried to stop Haruka from opening his fridge. “Really, you… you should just relax and let me treat you this time!”

 

“I had dinner two hours ago, I am not even hungry,” Haruka replied, eyes focused on Makoto’s now opened fridge. Slightly annoyed by the lack of ingredients, Haruka bit his tongue and his fingers clicked against the refrigerator’s handle.

 

“O-oh, well...” Makoto continued as Haruka now focused on the freezer. “I-I’m your host. Why don’t you let me take care of you tonight? ”

 

“Are you eating nothing but frozen food again, Makoto?”

 

It took Makoto two seconds to blush, push the freezer’s door closed and then cover his face in embarrassment. “Stop teasing me! I work until really late, the last thing I wanna do is cook something," he complained. “Let alone learn how to actually cook!”

 

Haruka ended up looking away, eyes on the floor and suddenly quiet once more. Makoto took his hands off his face and stared back at his best friend. It took him two seconds to notice the lack of light inside those blue orbs, half a second to notice the hesitant pull of Haruka’s lips and ten seconds to find his voice. “Haru?”

 

“You know I could always come and cook for you,” Haruka spoke without a warning and Makoto’s eyes went wide for merely a second before a smile found a place on his lips once more.

 

“We don’t live as close as we used to, Haru-chan.”

 

“It doesn’t really matter, you’re my friend.”

 

“It matters,” The brunette whispered. “Specially with my schedule. I don’t have the same schedule each week, it wouldn’t work for you.”

 

“Then I could just drop it off by your work each day; I don’t care.”

 

“But don’t you think Rin wouldn’t be okay with it…?”

 

Rin.

 

Mentioning that name was enough to make Haruka shiver. Makoto witnessed the bitterness swirling inside those blue orbs, like they were being overtaken by a violent whirlpool, but for some reason Makoto couldn’t find it in himself to regret bringing the redhead up in conversation.

 

Haruka was bottling up his feelings again and Makoto desperately wanted to help him by breaking down all the walls that the other boy had put up around himself. Really, above all else, Makoto wanted Haruka to be happy.

 

But that feeling alone wasn’t enough; Makoto realized that discussing Rin further would not only make Haruka more upset, but it would also put himself into a difficult position. Whether he liked it or not, he was now responsible for allowing the conversation to progress into darker territory. If things between the two grew worse because of that, then Makoto didn’t think he could handle it. He hated seeing that pained expression on Haruka’s face.

 

“You know, I really don’t want to intrude. I’m positive he is looking forward to seeing you at dinner.” Makoto attempted to fix his mistake, smiling nervously as he placed a hand on Haruka’s shoulder. “I would feel guilty if you ended up missing that time with him because of me.”

 

But Haruka didn’t answer, he just slapped Makoto’s hand off his shoulder and stared numbly at the floor under his cold feet. Makoto was not expecting that reaction, not at all. “Haru…?”

 

“He doesn’t care,” Haruka whispered in a shaky voice, rubbing his now cold hands together. “He… wouldn’t even notice.”

 

“What...?” Makoto asked, both eyebrows raised in concern. “Why?”

 

“Because…!” Haruka faced the brunnette with a hurt expression on his face, one that he was probably trying to hide ever since he stepped into the house. “Because...”

 

Makoto couldn’t help but grow even more worried, hoping that he had just misheard the pain in his best friend’s words.

 

“He is just…” Haruka continued. “Rin doesn’t…!”

 

But nothing else came out, he couldn’t even finish a single sentence and it hurt him so much. Eyes unfocused, lost in his own uneasiness, Haruka was struggling just to breathe. There was just too much pain there and, unable to bare it any longer, Makoto quickly interrupted the other.

 

“I-it’s alright.” But it wasn’t. “We… don’t have to talk about it tonight. I told you before. Didn’t I?”

 

Yet Makoto couldn’t help but feel like a hypocrite, unable to face the consequences of his own actions.

 

Not a single word escaped Haruka’s lips and Makoto wondered why he couldn’t read the other’s eyes this time. He must have said something else that bothered Haruka, because the other boy chose to remain silent.

 

After nodding and hugging himself, Haruka walked straight out of the kitchen and left Makoto alone, a bitter sensation slowly enveloping him.

 

Reading the air between them, Makoto knew that Haruka wanted to be alone… and that’s why he did not follow after him.

 

He slept alone that night, just like he normally did, but it felt slightly weird knowing that Haruka was under the same roof, even though they weren’t in the same room. Letting out one last sigh, Makoto fell asleep wondering what it was that Haruka dreamt about.

 

Makoto woke up to the sound of voices echoing through the hallway, coming from the other side of his door. He woke up fully, slowly, and his vision began taking shape around him. He got to his feet and walked across the floor, completely ignoring his messy hair and heavy eyelids while exiting the room.

 

He was greeted by the bright sun as he made his way inside by the open door across the hall. Makoto found Haruka standing by the door with his back toward him. Apparently, he was trying to keep his voice low while arguing with someone. Someone whose body Haruka was inadvertently blocking from Makoto’s view with his own. Confused, the brunette left his bedroom and ventured himself to speak and break the mystery.

 

“Haru…?” Makoto called, his voice still rough from sleep. “Who's at the door?”

 

Haruka tensed and both voices died out in an instant. Turning his head over his shoulder in a slow motion, Haruka faced Makoto for the first time that morning. “Makoto.”

 

Their eyes met for two very long seconds, talking in a language only the two of them knew. There was anxiety and there was confusion, but Makoto was still to sleepy to comprehend the reason behind those emotions.

 

It wasn’t until Rin forced his way through the door that Makoto finally understood the reason for Haruka’s pained look. Oh. "Yo, Makoto.” Rin waved his hand carelessly in the air as a greeting. “Sorry to intrude so early without notice, but I came to bring my lost kitten back home.”

 

Lost kitten? Makoto couldn’t help but turn his gaze back to Haruka with that thought in mind. Yes, right now Haruka very much resembled to a lost kitten. Those blue eyes darted around the room with no sense of direction. He just seemed confused, as if he couldn’t trust anyone at all.

 

Makoto wanted to take care of that lost kitten. He wanted Haruka to trust him and bring hope back to that fragile heart. But that lost kitten already had an owner and that very same owner was now holding Haruka’s wrist impossibly tight in his own hand. Rin’s sharp red eyes glinted back over at him, not missing the way Makoto’s own silence spoke volumes.

 

There was a hint of possessiveness in the way Rin pulled Haruka slightly closer to himself and Makoto forced himself to put aside the feelings that started bugging quietly behind his friendly smile. “You’re not intruding at all, Rin,” Makoto said, clearly avoiding the subject standing between them. “It’s nice to have you here, actually.”

 

“If your house was three train stops closer to ours, I wouldn’t mind this much,” Rin replied with a chuckle. Makoto just smiled in response, but he couldn’t ignore how Haruka seemed more quiet than ever… so unhappy.

 

“Well, I have to drop this kitten off at his job before he runs late and gets fired so...” Rin checked his phone quickly before wrapping his arm around Haru’s neck and pulled him closer. “... I guess we will see you around.”

 

“Sure.”

 

Rin began guiding Haruka out of the house, not even waiting for the other’s approval nor letting him give a proper goodbye to his best friend. Haruka just looked once more over his shoulder as he was forced to walk down the lawn toward Rin’s car.

 

There was something in Haruka’s silence that prompted a change inside Makoto, something that brought the following words out his mouth without any any kind of warning whatsoever...

 

“Too bad you only came all the way over here because I kidnapped your ‘kitten’ for the night. I’m heartbroken. Maybe I’ll have to kidnap him once more to see you again.” It was supposed to be a joke, but his voice came out darker than he actually intended.

 

Rin stopped dead in his tracks and suddenly, it was now his turn to look back at Makoto. Those words left him feeling breathless. He had just witnessed something unusual in Makoto’s tone: a darkness he had never seen before. One that gave him chills and made him feel an unexpected need to protect Haruka. What was that supposed to mean?

 

Haruka didn't say anything, he just stared back at his best friend. The redhead pulled him closer to his body and glared back at the brunnette. “Oh, there’s no need for that,” he said. “I have a feeling we’re gonna meet again very soon.”

 

 


	2. Loneliness

It was painful, being inside his own bedroom and yet unable to breathe. It had already been a week since they fought but things had stayed the same. That day, after coming back from work, Rin did not say a word regarding the subject, their fight was left unspoken, just like the other ones before.

 

The redhead was playing the game where nothing happened, pretending things were okay and there was absolutely nothing to be fixed. Whenever their eyes met, Rin would force himself to smile and excuse himself under the pretense of a run just to avoid the suffocating tension between them, leaving Haruka unattended and heartbroken.

 

Haruka was not good with words, it was difficult for him to put into words how he felt. He was so used to Rin doing the talking, for Rin to be the one to initiate their conversations or address the issue by venting out whatever he felt. But this time, Rin was not even getting there, their conversations were drying up and they only spoke when they needed to.

 

One thing was for sure, and he knew Rin was aware of it as well: Things were changing between them. It was happening, slowly, but it was real. Their relationship was crumbling right in front of his eyes and he couldn’t stop it, not when Rin was trying to ignore the issue; not when Rin was ignoring how broken and alone Haruka was starting to feel.

 

There WAS a problem between them, but why would Rin continue pretending things were okay like this? Why? Haruka’s heart was in turmoil and constantly clouded by anxiety, he felt on the edge and ready to scream. He was cooking to keep his mind occupied. Mackerel always helped to dull his pain, like some sort of anesthesia, but Haruka couldn’t help but wonder if this trick would work forever.

 

It was close to eight and he was aware that Rin would be home soon. Was he ready to face him? He did not feel ready at all. His hands were colder than usual, something that only happened when he felt nervous or when he anticipated that something bad was about to happen.

 

He closed his eyes and breathed out, wishing he could calm himself down before his boyfriend showed up.

 

He was waiting. He was waiting…

 

Was Rin coming back?

 

Soon enough, as if in answer to Haruka’s own insecurities, the main door of their apartment was unlocked and opened wide. Haruka’s shoulders tensed and he went back to his own business, pretending he was not feeling uneasy at all.

 

There was something about the smell of cooked mackerel and the way it combined with all the lingering tension in the air made Rin’s eyebrows flinch. He hesitated before walking in, knowing that Haruka was certainly in the kitchen.

 

Rin felt like throwing up, mackerel made him feel this way a lot lately. So boring, so annoying. It was always the same taste, the same texture, and it always left his stomach feeling empty, even after he cleaned his entire plate.

 

He sighed loudly, taking off his cop hat and walked down the hallway to meet with Haruka inside the kitchen. “Hey,” he called, putting his arm around Haruka and pulling him closer. “How was your day off?”

 

Haruka had a hard time readjusting his balance when he was pulled away from his previous position and he now had a shoulder against Rin’s chest. He should be used by now, ever since they were kids; Rin would always wrap his arm around Haruka and pull him closer, as if that was Rin’s favorite spot or his natural habitat. But now it wasn’t as comforting as it used to be, he couldn’t help but feel out of place. “It was fine, kinda…” he spoke, blue eyes never meeting the other’s gaze. “...boring. Too much free time.”

 

“All that talking about being ‘free’ when we were in highschool and now you’re complaining because you actually have some free time?” The policeman chuckled. “You’re unbelievable.”

 

Haruka’s eyebrows trembled. He was not free. He could never be free, not here; not when he felt this trapped, this lonely.

 

Biting his own tongue, Haru decided it was better if he remained silent, focusing his entire attention on the mackerel he was cooking for their dinner that night. Rin wasn’t completely ignorant of Haruka’s indifference, however. He knew something wasn’t precisely right with Haruka: the way his eyes weren’t as expresive as before and how he didn’t move to greet Rin with a kiss as he usually did.

 

Rin’s smile faded away; he soon took his arm off Haruka’s shoulder and let him go. He felt like he should say or do something for Haruka but he found himself at the same time unable to move, he just felt so unmotivated. So instead, his hands went inside his pockets as he looked away.

 

Ungh, he seriously didn’t want to be alone with Haruka at this point.

 

“So...” Scratching his neck he continued, “I guess I will be back, then.”

 

“What?” Haruka reacted right when Rin turned on his heels and started walking toward the kitchen’s exit. “Are you going out?”

 

“Well, yeah,” Rin said while stopping halfway and looking over his shoulder, meeting Haruka’s gaze for the very first time that day. “Why?”

 

“What about dinner?” He felt his heart beating hard against his chest and his breath hitched. “It’s nearly done and…”

 

“Don’t get me wrong, Haru,” Rin gently interrupted the other. “I don’t feel like having mackerel tonight, or even maybe for a couple weeks. I just… don’t like it as much as you do.”

 

Haruka was caught off guard, not expecting such words to come out of Rin’s mouth. He felt rejected, which was not an emotion he was used to so maybe that’s why he didn’t know exactly where to look at or what to say. He simply felt his heart ache and so he forced his eyes away from Rin while his lips trembled with no words to follow.

 

Rin, on the other hand, couldn’t take his eyes away from Haruka and his gaze focused in on the other’s pain. He couldn’t help but think it was childish of Haruka to get offended by something this stupid, but Haruka had always been different from the rest and that was something he used to find charming… and now it was just annoying.

 

“...I made mackerel for two,” Haruka whispered, not knowing how to put his heartache into words.

 

“Haru, seriously…!” Rin faced Haruka with an annoyed look on his face. “I need meat once in a while, it’s fine.”

 

But it wasn’t.

 

This love for mackerel was just part of who Haruka was.  In a way, if Rin rejected the mackerel… then it was almost as if he was rejecting Haruka as well. Or at least that’s how Haruka felt this time.

 

It was happening again, the anxiety was growing inside his chest and suddenly he couldn’t hold himself back any longer.

 

“Why are we pretending we’re okay…?” Haruka whispered.

 

Rin raised an eyebrow in confusion but soon he understood where Haruka was coming from. “Haru, not now,” he replied.

 

“Then when?” Haruka lifted his eyes up from the floor and looked back at Rin, expecting answers even though he knew he probably wasn’t going to get any at all. “We never talk about anything.”

 

“You wanna talk about it?” Rin frowned. “Or you want me to do all the talking?”

 

Haruka’s heart skipped a beat.

 

“I don’t feel like interpreting your silence right now, Haru,” Rin added and Haruka’s eyes immediately shot back down back to the floor. “I’m sorry, I don’t wanna hurt you but it’s tiresome.”

 

Haruka closed his eyes slowly, the pain overflowed his heart and he was doing his best to ignore it… at least until Rin was gone.

 

“Okay,” Haruka replied when nothing made sense anymore. “Whatever.”

 

“Haru…?” Rin looked back at his lover, his voice hesitant as if he was experiencing some sort of guilt. “Are you mad?”

 

“I said ‘whatever’!” Haruka kept his eyes shut tightly. “Leave!”

 

Rin knew he screwed things up again. It had reached a point that he literally could not even speak to Haruka without the situation being blown out of proportion. It wasn’t easy for him to keep feeling like he was the bad guy every time they fought. Rin was exhausted from having to shoulder all the blame, and it ended up hurting his pride more than it should.

 

Not wanting to mess things up even more, Rin walked out of the apartment, leaving Haruka completely by himself again.

 

Haruka turned off the stove, saving the mackerel that was about to get burnt and stared numbly at the tile under his cold feet. The apartment was once more surrounded by an intoxicating silence and Haruka unexpectedly started crying.

 

It felt weird to cry, especially since that was something he rarely ever did; but he felt so lonely, so hopeless and he couldn’t afford to keep hiding how he truly felt.  He cried for himself, for the pain and heartache he'd been forced to endure. He cried because everything was getting out of hand and nothing was like how it used to be.

 

But just then, his phone vibrated. For a second, Haruka thought it was Rin who was trying to reach him after their stupid fight and that maybe he was texting him to apologize or something, but today that was not the case.

 

Makoto.

 

Haruka unlocked his phone and found a new text message from his best friend. Haruka took a deep breath, trying not to feel disappointed by Rin’s lack of tact, and decided to open Makoto’s text to distract himself.  

 

He was greeted with a picture of Mittens wearing a blue bow around his neck and another text that followed up after.

 

‘Mittens misses you and so do I! We should hang out soon. (♥ó㉨ò)ノ Hope you’re feeling better, Haru-chan!’

 

Haruka didn’t notice that he had slowly stopped crying and was now smiling down at the silly picture of Makoto’s kitten on his phone.

 

Makoto had such good timing, he always did. Briefly, Haruka forgot about his pain and ended up sitting on the floor with his back against the stove contemplating Makoto’s text slightly longer than he normally would.

 

If Makoto was texting him, then it made Haruka jump to the conclusion that his best friend was home by now.

 

He remembered Makoto’s frozen food problem and suddenly an idea shot straight through his mind. Standing back from the floor and walking across the kitchen, he started looking for foil. Haruka decided he couldn’t stay home any longer, he needed some fresh air to clear his head. Besides, who knew how long Rin was planning to stay out that night, anyway.

 

He grabbed the recently cooked mackerel, wrapped it gently with foil and placed it safely inside his newest tupperware. He quickly prepared tea as well, storing it inside his blue thermos before grabbing the rest of his stuff and left the house before the clock announced the beginning of a new hour.

  
Haruka needed to see him, at least for a moment. He knew that just the sight of Makoto’s smile would be enough to heal part of this pain that was killing so quickly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this story is getting easier and easier to write. I am so happy to see you guys are liking my job so far and I hope you enjoy this chapter as well. It might be a sad chapter, but I hope you guys bare with me ;w; This is just a small taste of Haru and Rin's current relationship so you guys can understand better Haru's behavior in chapter one. I will try to bring chapter three ASAP! I am so inspired right now~.
> 
> UPDATE: I wanna thank EggDropSoup for being my betareader and such a great help :D
> 
> Check out my Tumblr!  
> ohmynanase.tumblr.com
> 
> Love you!


	3. Stay

Makoto still remembered that day, a day from so long ago. His green eyes would glaze over each time the memories replayed themselves inside his head. Five years ago, it was supposed to be a day like any other; yet, it turned out to be the very day Makoto forgot how to smile.

 

As usual, Makoto and Haruka walked home together after school and swim practice. Like everyday, Makoto was the one doing all the talking, something he didn’t mind at all.

 

They had known each other for a very long time now and Makoto normally recognized the different reasons behind Haruka’s silences. Judging by his behavior, Makoto knew there was something bothering his friend, something he wanted to talk about, but he didn’t know where to start. That was not a problem for Makoto, he was very patient, especially if it was for Haruka’s sake.

 

Haruka stopped walking all of a sudden. Four steps later, Makoto noticed and stopped as well. Slowly, he turned around and found his best friend staring down at the floor. He was taken off guard by the unusual blush crossing those pale cheeks, something he had never seen before.

 

“What’s wrong?” he asked gently, a soft smile now crossing his lips.

 

Slowly, those blue eyes glanced up from the floor to meet his and it was then when Makoto realized something was about to change between them.

 

Haruka’s lips moved, but no sound came out of his mouth.

 

“...Haru?”

 

“Rin and I are dating.”

 

Like a harsh winter wind, those words rushed over him, freezing up his heart and draining out all color of his world until he could only see in shades gray. The smile dropped from Makoto's face instantly, leaving him breathless. His heart ached and Makoto just stared back at his best friend for a long time. He took in a sharp breath as the situation finally hit him. “Oh,” he said. “Since when…?”

 

“Since yesterday,” Haru announced seeking for Makoto’s approval. “He came after dinner and then… he confessed.”

 

Makoto couldn't seem to find his words. It was like they were ripped out of his mouth, leaving him unable to talk. In the end, Makoto managed to force a smile not entirely sure on how he should react in such a painful situation. “That’s… great, Haru. Congratulations.”

 

It wasn’t great, it wasn’t great at all. Makoto felt like he wanted to die on the spot, but his heart would not stop beating for him. Silently, he hoped he was able to successfully hide the pain that was now numbing his entire being.

 

Haruka nodded slowly, looking away with his now relaxed shoulders. “I wanted you to be the first to know," he whispered softly, smiling sheepishly.  
  
Haruka was smiling, it was the most beautiful smile Makoto had seen from him in a long while and he felt his heart drop as his feet faltered. He swallowed, shifting uncomfortably as he tried desperately to think of a reply. He knew he should feel flattered, but now he couldn’t help but feel hopeless. "Are... you going to tell Nagisa and Rei?”

 

Haruka shrugged. "They’ll find out eventually."

 

"That's true…”

 

He should have seen it coming. There was something different in the way Rin and Haruka looked at each other lately, not to mention the several private meetings they had at Haruka’s after swim practice. It was pretty obvious they would end up together and yet… Makoto had blinded himself in order to remain sane.

 

Up to that point, his life had just been one big disappointment after another, so he should have been prepared for this one too.

 

They went silent for a moment as the sun disappeared beneath the horizon, the crickets started to sing and the street lights lit up around them. For the first time, Makoto didn’t know exactly how to break the silence that surrounded them: he was suffocating under the realization that Haruka was in love with Rin.

 

Haruka was smiling because of Rin, he seemed happy and Makoto understood that, if Rin was able to make him happy, then maybe it was time to let Haruka go.

 

Heartbroken, Makoto flashed an honest smile, a smile that hurt from the realization that he was not loved back. “I’m happy for you, Haru. I truly am.”  The tone of his voice remained soft and honey-sweet, despite of his aching heart. “I am  sure he is going to take good care of you.”

 

“Thank you…” Haruka’s mouth curled up at the edges, eyes shining brighter than ever at his best friend’s approval. Seeing that made it easier for Makoto to will his unrequited feelings to stay buried.

 

If only Haruka knew that he was always going to be Makoto’s first and only love...

 

Makoto blinked once, then twice, and suddenly, he was no longer eighteen anymore. He was back to the present, to his current life and he ran his hand through his brown hair in an attempt to shake the bad memories away.

 

He had arrived home after work with the intention of reading a good book in order to keep himself occupied as well as to help him ignore just how big the house felt all of a sudden. But the book remained untouched in his lap and his heart felt heavier than usual.

 

He filled his lungs with air, trying to ease the tension in his shoulders. Those memories still haunted him, day and night, even after five long years. For a moment, Makoto regretted giving up on Haruka and letting him slip away so easily. But when he realized his thoughts were still lingering over something that happened so long ago, something he certainly couldn’t change now, Makoto shook his head, deciding it was useless to think about it any longer.

 

The doorbell rang and Makoto looked up at the clock across the room.  It was nine fifty. He raised an eyebrow in confusion. Who could it be? Deciding to put away his troubled thoughts for now, Makoto pushed his book aside and stood up to answer the door.

 

The thing was that he was not expecting to find Haruka there, standing under the dim light of his porch with a melancholic expression on his face.

 

“Haru, what are you… doing here?” he whispered in surprise, wondering if his mind was playing tricks on him again. He snapped out of his thoughts and quickly looked beyond his friend’s figure, noticing the dark, vacant street behind him. Worriedly, he looked back at Haruka trying to make sure that his apparent nervousness didn’t show on his face. “Did you walk all the way here from the bus stop this late at night?”

 

Haruka looked away, and shrugged. “It’s not that far.”

 

“But it is…!” Makoto complained with concern. Yet, his heart couldn’t control the sudden excitement that rushed through his veins. Haruka was here, in front of him. With him. “You could have called. I wouldn’t mind picking you up.”

 

"I know."

 

It wasn’t until he noticed the small plastic bag hanging by Haruka’s side in a firm grip. Confused, he decided to speak and address the reason for it bluntly. “That’s…?”

 

Haruka reacted to Makoto’s curiosity by pulling out a plastic tupperware from the bag.

 

“I brought dinner,” he announced quietly, and Makoto felt a sunrise bloom in his chest.

 

“H-Haru…” Makoto’s heart fluttered against his chest, completely moved by Haruka’s thoughtful consideration. “But… what about Rin?”

 

Haruka flinched, absorbed in his own pain, though he made visible effort to hold it in. Still, there was nothing about Haruka that Makoto wouldn’t notice. “... It’s fine.”

 

“You think? It wouldn’t feel right if...”

 

“Rin’s eating out tonight,” Haruka tried to explain, the pain and anguish quite audible in his voice. Hearing it caused the words hanging off the tip of Makoto’s tongue to fall away and he swallowed instead, listening carefully as his friend continued to speak. “He said… Rin said he didn’t like mackerel as much as I do. He left so… so that’s why I am here.”

 

Makoto’s eyes trembled, unable to help the conflicted jumble of emotions that swirled around inside him, searching desperately for a way to be let out. To anyone else, the situation might have come off as foolish or unimportant but Makoto understood Haruka unlike any other. Haruka was not like anyone else, he was just… himself. He had his particular behaviors, his distinct way of communicating, and his own unique way of expressing himself. All that, combined with his odd, eccentric nature, simply made him who he was.

 

By the tone of his voice and the look in his eyes, Makoto could tell that Haruka felt as if he had done something wrong.

 

There was nothing wrong with Haruka. What Makoto couldn’t understand was the reason for Rin’s sudden change of heart after all this time. When he had confessed to Haruka five years ago, he had known what kind of person the other was and yet, Rin was now shutting Haruka out. It bothered Makoto that Rin would go to such lengths and prefer to eat dinner out alone rather than stay with Haruka.

 

“I see,” Makoto replied, keeping his tone sweet despite the frustration chewing away at his insides. “Then I can’t wait to try your food again, Haru-chan.”

Makoto’s kitchen wasn't a place that Haruka spent a lot of time in. It was way too clean and cold for that matter, yet it felt warmer now that Haruka was sitting across the table from him. Despite the dish being a relatively simple one, there was something special about the way Haruka prepared it.

 

Makoto picked up a piece of mackerel with his chopsticks and held it in front of his lips, he was about to take it into his mouth when he noticed Haruka looking his way. He smiled at him and spoke, “Thanks for the meal.”

 

Haruka kept staring at him, his curious eyes unable to look away from that smile. Makoto was so sweet, Haruka thought. The way he smiled so easily, the way his smile lit up the entire room. With him so close, Haruka couldn’t help but feel enchanted by it.

 

The mackerel was grilled perfectly, crisp and moist with every bite, and it tasted divine. Makoto used a hand to cover his lips in order to contain the moan that echoed inside his closed mouth, his eyes sparkled as he stared back at Haruka. Makoto swallowed and his smile grew in size. “It’s delicious!” he praised the other. “As expected from Haru-chan.”

 

Haruka's eyes lit up and shimmered, just like they did every time he was in front of a pool. It was as if he forgot how it felt like to be complimented, or maybe it was just the sweet tone in Makoto’s voice as he spoke. Whatever the reason,  it was enough to make him shiver.

 

A faint flush appeared on his naturally pale cheeks and he quickly turned his gaze back down to his plate, embarrassed. It was weird, Haruka was not the type of person that liked compliments but, somehow, Makoto’s words had left such a big impact on him. “It’s… just mackerel with salt.”

 

“It doesn’t taste as simple as you’re trying to make it out to be,” Makoto responded. “Your mackerel has always had this unique flavor. I can’t explain it, but it’s the best.”

 

Haruka didn’t know what to do with this unexpected happiness bursting inside his chest. He had always been a passionate cook, leaving a part of his essence in every dish he prepared. Yet, having Makoto compliment him in such way made their connection feel… more personal. Like Makoto appreciated all the effort and hard work he'd put into it.

 

If only he had this type of connection with Rin as well…

 

That last thought was pushed to the furthest corner of Haruka’s mind, casting all the bitterness aside to enjoy the time he had with his best friend. Ever since Rin and Haruka began living together, Makoto had started drifting away from him. Makoto chose to hang out with Nagisa and Rei more frequently, no longer investing his time in their mutual interests, and without Makoto’s reliable presence by his side, Haruka felt he had been forgotten again.

 

Haruka’s cellphone rang on the spot, interrupting  his thoughts and filling up the silence between them. Makoto was eating his second piece of mackerel at the time and his mouth was too busy to question why Haruka was not answering the phone right away. However, he didn’t have to be a genius to guess who was blowing up Haruka’s phone this late at night.

 

It was him. It was Rin.

 

Haruka took his cellphone out of his pocket and stared at the screen for a long time. Mixed emotions surrounded his thoughts. His relationship with Rin had now reached a point where things were just too awkward between them, to the extent that Rin prefered to leave the house to clear his mind rather than stay and fix what they had; if… they still had something.

 

Yet, Haruka had never felt this rejected before. It was not some silly tantrum and it was not just about the mackerel. Rin had done more than just reject a simple dinner, he had rejected Haruka as a person and it was too painful to forget.

 

The phone kept ringing and ringing…

 

Makoto’s brows furrowed, noticing the obvious pain Haruka was in just from the sight of his trembling lips. He had never seen Haruka like this, so vulnerable. He followed Haruka’s gaze until it reached the phone, and immediately guessed that it was the source of his best friend’s obvious discomfort. He stared down as Rin’s name continued to flash across the screen, the whole phone lighting up with each insistent ring..

 

But wasn’t Rin supposed to be the source of Haruka’s happiness instead…?

 

Five years ago he gave up on Haruka thinking he could be happier in Rin’s arms, but now… oh, how Makoto wished he had never let him go.

 

Acting on pure instinct, Makoto reached across the seat and took Haruka’s hand in his own, purposefully threading their fingers together. A confused look crossed Haruka’s face as their eyes met once more and the phone ended up forgotten on the table.

 

“Stay…” Makoto breathed in a low voice, one he rarely used.

 

Haruka’s heart felt like it was about to burst out of his chest as he watched Makoto; just a single word had been enough to leave him breathless.

 

“Mako...to…”

 

“You don’t have to answer the call, Haru…” he whispered. “You don’t have to go back, tonight either.”

The phone kept ringing and ringing, but neither Makoto nor Haruka could hear it anymore; they were both lost in each other’s eyes, waiting for the other’s reaction… until Haruka broke the  silence a few seconds later by tightening his grip on both their hands..

 

“...Ok, I’ll stay.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, Makoto might or might not start misbehaving and trying to snatch Haru out of Rin's hands in a very Makoto way... I don't know~ I am just going to say that I love drama and drama is what I write -3- So bare with me and my dramatic self (?) Hahaha.  
> Thanks again for all your beautiful comments and pretty kudos, they keep me motivated :'D  
> Also, this work features the work of my editor! EggDropSoup, she's such a sweetheart! She makes this story more readable (?)
> 
> Check out my Tumblr!  
> ohmynanase.tumblr.com
> 
> Love you!


	4. Threat

Muffled noises woke Haruka up right after midnight. He blinked slowly, lazily carding his fingers through his raven hair. Still half asleep, Haruka heard some banging and yelling coming from the other side of his closed door.

 

Hold on a second. This room wasn't his bedroom and this bed was definitely not his either.

 

Where was he?!

 

Haruka looked around at the room he was in and it didn't take him too long to recognize his surroundings. He was staying in Makoto's room, sleeping on his best friend's queen sized bed after a long, emotional evening.

 

Actually, Haruka realized this was probably the first time he had been inside Makoto’s bedroom after the brunette moved out of his parents house. Haruka was only familiar with the front door of the house and the living room; the only time he got a glimpse of Makoto’s new bedroom was when Haruka visited his place for the first time and Makoto was showing him around.

 

Pulling the bedding up to his nose and closing his eyes, a familiar scent teased at his nostrils; the faint smell of the ocean and sand embraced Haruka, surrounding him in memories that kept him warm. That was Makoto's scent; a scent that would always bring him back to the old days where everything was quiet and peaceful, a scent that was able to calm him down no matter the situation.

 

His scent reminded him of safety, and Haruka would always feel secure around him. Makoto’s scent reminded him of home.

 

Haruka ignored the familiar voice yelling from the hallway, and how his heart seemed to be beating in double-time.

 

He knew what was going on, he knew who had come looking for him this late at night, disturbing the peaceful aura that surrounded Makoto's home.

 

Rin was out there, probably trying to break in, arguing with Makoto and coming to take him home.

 

But Haruka didn't want to leave, he wanted to stay a bit longer, so he kept his eyes closed and pretended to be asleep. He rubbed his nose against the sheets and inhaled the addicting scent once more.

 

Makoto's scent managed to keep him from shivering and losing his peace that night.

 

Haruka just wanted to go back to sleep and pretend things were okay... even if they really weren't.

 

'Just let me pretend a little longer.’

  
  


 

 

It happened not too long ago: he woke up to a banging on the front door and a voice calling his name. Makoto stumbled out of the futon he was sleeping in, throwing on some clothes, and heading down to the hallway just to see what was going on. And there Rin was, standing in the doorway and growing angrier by the second.

 

“Where’s Haru?!” Rin demanded, holding an expression so fierce that it momentarily took Makoto aback.

 

“Here. He’s asleep,” Makoto replied, offering no further explanation. He wore a tired expression on his face, tired from a long day at work, and not precisely willing to deal with a furious Rin this late at night.

 

“I fucking knew it...!” Rin whispered to himself through gritted teeth. It happened really fast, Rin pushed Makoto aside and rushed inside, completely uninvited. “Haru!”

 

“Rin, what are…?!” It took Makoto half-a-second to react, turn on his heels, and then go after Rin. “Hold on, you are gonna wake him up!”

 

“The fuck I care!” Rin crossed the living room as if it was his own. “He shouldn’t be sleeping here in the first place! That bastard has his OWN house to sleep in!”

 

“Just stop!” Makoto hurried and grabbed Rin’s wrist tightly, instinctively, spinning him, and then throwing him back-first into the closest wall.  Rin was shocked, gasping as the air whooshed out of his lungs. He panted, and soon his lips trembled.

 

“What…” he began. Rin's jaw tightened and his frown deepened. “What the hell do you think you’re doing, Makoto?! Let go!”

 

But Makoto’s grip didn’t lessen. “Stop yelling,” he warned. “You’re disturbing Haru’s sleep.”

 

“Oh gosh, you’re going too far!” Rin mocked with scorn. “I came here to take him back home!”

 

“Haru had a bad evening, Rin,” Makoto spoke in a gentle voice that didn't match the sharp gaze he held against Rin. “It would be nice if you keep it low, let him rest and leave him alone.”

 

“He had a bad day?” Rin scoffed. “Sure, whatever. I left my house for an hour and came back to find him gone. No phone call, no text, not even a note on the fridge telling me where he was. And you said he had it rough? You’re making me laugh here.”

 

Makoto's eyebrows twitched as they lowered. He couldn’t help but feel slightly guilty for asking Haruka not to answer Rin’s phone call earlier that evening, not thinking that Rin would naturally worry after that missed call. Calling himself ‘selfish’ in thoughts, Makoto took a deep breath and decided to speak.

 

“For that, I am sorry,” he admitted, loosening his grip around Rin’s wrist as he spoke. “I should’ve let you know he was staying the night at my place.”

 

_At my place..._

 

Rin’s eyebrows twitched in annoyance. That was precisely the root of Rin’s anger. How was it supposed to be okay having Haruka sleeping at some other guy’s house. Especially if that other guy was Makoto himself. Those two, alone.

 

After all, Rin was Haruka’s partner and Makoto was not included in the picture. Yet, why was Rin feeling so insecure lately?

 

“No, Makoto. You should’ve stayed out of it!” Rin snapped at him, his eyes narrowed angrily. “You are just his friend, nothing else. So stop trying to protect him from me and stay away from this; it's our problem.”

 

Rin knew that Makoto was probably the worst person Haruka could bring into their relationship.

 

Makoto’s breath was taken away by those sharp words that had been spat out so casually against him. They stared at each other, like enemies... like strangers. Makoto’s eyes were indecipherable, watching Rin intently until his lips were able to wake up again and his voice broke the silence between them.

 

“You’re right, I am just a friend,” he started, voice low and dangerous. “But don’t forget he is also my best friend, and I am willing to do almost anything for him.”

 

Makoto took a step closer, towering over the other like a skyscraper. “But if you keep hurting him, he'll only be able to think of this pain when you are around.” Rin could feel his hot breath fan over his face; Makoto had him cornered against the wall and, for merely a second, Rin felt scared. “Just keep in mind that if he is unhappy, as his best friend, I have the power to make you go from being Haru’s boyfriend to becoming his ex.”

 

Right after those words were shot out, Rin couldn’t do anything but stare back at Makoto. Were his ears deceiving him?  He felt betrayed on the deepest level and couldn’t grasp the idea that Makoto had just used the ‘best friend’ card against him.

 

A growl formed in Rin’s throat as the anger boiled up. “I can’t believe you!” he growled. “Aren’t you supposed to be my friend as well?!”

 

Makoto didn’t respond to that statement, his warning still floating in the tense air between them. Rin couldn’t stand Makoto’s strange behavior any longer and pushed himself out of the other’s grip without a warning.

 

“You think you know him better than I do, don’t you?!” Rin spat harshly, taking a step away from Makoto. “But you know what? I wanna see you try! I am positive Haru knows better!”

 

“I agree, I trust his judgement as well.”

 

Then, war was declared silently between them. They just stared at each other for the next few moments, analyzing each other's features as they both assessed the situation. Rin was the first to react, rolling his eyes with annoyance, turning around and flipping a hand in the air.

 

“This is getting ridiculous. I am out of here,” Rin announced. “I’ll deal with Haru later”

 

Makoto followed him silently through the living room to the front door.

 

It happened just as he stepped out the door; Rin turned on his heels abruptly. The look on his face matched the fire burning in his red eyes.

 

“Yes…?” Makoto spoke, not expecting what was coming next.

 

“Haru!” Rin yelled as loud as he could, as if he was trying to make sure his voice would reach the man sleeping inside the other’s room. Makoto’s shoulders tensed; he felt that what Rin was about to say would change everything.  “I hope you enjoy the night with this goddamn traitor! Just remember that sleeping in his bed makes you a traitor as well!”

 

“R-Rin?!” A blush spread on Makoto’s cheeks, and an unexpected pain made its way across his chest into his heart.  “You’re going to wake up the entire neighborhood!”

 

Rin didn’t bother to add anything else, the harm was already done. He simply turned on his feet and left for the night, leaving Makoto with unspoken words stuck inside his throat.

 

Makoto gasped quietly when the cold air greeted his warm skin, hugging himself immediately before closing the door.

 

_A traitor..._

 

With a sense of regret, Makoto pressed his back against the closed door and remained quiet for a long while. The whole situation repeated itself inside his head and suddenly he wondered if he did the right thing just then.

 

Rin was right, he was a traitor. They were supposed to be friends. Yet, that friendship didn’t stop Makoto from risking his friendship with Rin in order to obtain Haruka’s happiness.

 

But… would Haruka be happy without Rin?

 

Covering his face with both hands, Makoto realized how ashamed he felt from his own actions. “... Damn it.”

  


 

 

It was early into the next day when Makoto offered Haruka a ride to work. Haruka hesitated, saying that he didn’t mind taking the bus instead but Makoto wasn’t going to take a ‘no’ for an answer. He kept insisting; he insisted for at least ten minutes until Haruka finally accepted his offer and hopped into his car.

 

Wearing one of Makoto’s old button-up shirts that wasn’t too big for him, Haruka sat on the passenger seat with his lips sealed.The ride to work was silent; the scenery was beautiful but not enough to capture Haruka’s attention.  Of course, the streets were crowded as usual making their ride longer than necessary.

 

Haru’s fingers were absently brushing against his own knee, he was lost in his thoughts. Too many things were rushing inside his head, too many memories, too many broken expectations; the only way to describe those sensations was like drowning.

 

He could still remember those words that broke into Makoto’s room last night. Words that were intended to be heard loud and clear.

 

His night after that was unbearable. Rin’s words hurt, this sadness hurt, and the idea of  being considered a traitor by his partner was enough to leave him sleepless. But why was he considered a traitor? There was nothing wrong with spending the night with his best friend. Haruka couldn’t get it; he couldn’t understand Rin’s logic sometimes.

 

He could see the gray clouds coming in over the horizon and his blue eyes trembled. A storm was going to hit him tonight once the inevitable happened and he had to face Rin at home. Alone, with Rin.

 

Haruka pressed his lips into a straight line when the thought made his shoulders shiver unconsciously. He felt trapped, threatened. He knew that as soon as he crossed his front door, there was going to be a confrontation and he felt so unprepared, not ready for more pain. Haruka just wanted to run away.

 

But he was so predictable and knew Rin would always know where to find him. It was just that… Makoto’s house was the only place in the entire world that could actually numb his pain and clear his mind.

 

Haruka was so deep in thoughts that he did not notice the car pulling up at his work.

 

Makoto put the car in park, unbuckled the seatbelt, and turned around to face his best friend. Haruka had been extremely quiet the entire morning; quiet in his movements, his voice, even in his own breathing. Makoto felt worried by the fact Haruka made no sound at all.  

 

Just… how much did Haruka hear last night?

 

Ashamed of yesterday’s events, his verbal exchange with Rin and the final blow shot right before the redhead left, Makoto took a deep breath and spoke.

 

“Haru…?” he called softly.

 

Yet he got no reaction from Haruka. With concern written over his features, he licked his lower lip and placed a hand on Haruka’s stiff shoulder. “Haru?” he tried again and the other finally snapped out of his thoughts to look back at him with a puzzled look. “We have arrived.”

 

Haruka blinked slowly, his tired crystal blue eyes gazed slowly out over the window and noticed the bakery where he worked at staring down at him. “...Oh,” he whispered but did not move at all.

 

Makoto's eyebrows creased with worry. “Are you alright…?”

 

But he wasn’t. Haruka stared at his own reflection on the window, he found those trembling blue eyes staring back at him. He looked lost, broken… he looked quite scared to face the real world by himself and couldn’t find the courage to open the door and hop out of  the car for once.

 

He didn’t want to leave Makoto’s side. Haruka wanted to stay right next to Makoto, to hold his hand and go through this hell together… but he knew that was nearly impossible.

 

“I’ll… be fine, Makoto,” Haruka whispered, his hand slowly reaching for the handle next to him, opening the door slowly. “I’m just thinking thinking too much.”

 

“I see.”

 

“I’ll talk to you later.”

 

Once Haruka stepped out the car, he felt entirely vulnerable when Makoto’s scent couldn’t reach him anymore. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes tightly.

 

So insecure, so confused, Haruka wondered if he was going to be able to face Rin with a straight face tonight.

 

Haruka flinched as he heard a car door slamming right next to him. Opening his eyes, he noticed how Makoto was now walking around the car and making his way toward him. The brunette stopped right in front of Haruka and brought his hands up to cup the other’s face, forcing Haruka to make eye contact with him.

 

“If something happens tonight…” he whispered while brushing his thumb on Haruka’s cheek. “...if something goes wrong or… or if he hurts you, please… call me. Please don’t hesitate and let me know.”

 

Haruka could tell how concerned Makoto felt, he could read it in his green eyes, and somehow he felt slightly relieved; slightly better.

 

Knowing that Makoto was there for him, knowing that he cared… was enough to keep him going.

 

No more words were needed, just his touch was enough reassurance that he was going to be just fine. There was nothing to be afraid of. Haruka was not alone; he had Makoto by his side.

 

“...I’ll be okay,” Haruka replied with a small, yet sincere smile. "You worry too much."

 

If only Rin's touch... if only Rin's warmth was as kind as Makoto's.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I feel terrible for Rin!! He is not the bad guy, he was just worried :') Makoto was just trying to protect the person he loves.Haru spent this chapter in bed 90% of the time, lol. Oh well.  
> Good news, I don't have to work this Monday so I will be probably writing all weekend! Hopefully I can release next chapter soon!  
> See you next water time! 
> 
> Check out my Tumblr!  
> ohmynanase.tumblr.com
> 
> Love you!


	5. Spaces

Rin couldn't concentrate at work as his mind was currently occupied by only Haruka Nanase. Last night, oh last night things got quite out of hand, but he couldn’t help that he felt attacked, and felt the need to attack back. Dealing with Haruka had always been like trying to hold sand or water in your hand – you simply can't. The harder he tried to hold onto him, the more Haruka would slip through his fingers and it was so frustrating.

 

Sometimes Rin wondered why Haruka had accepted to be part of his life, to become Rin’s partner and stay by his side, if he had always been the one looking for freedom. Or maybe… he took Haruka’s freedom away by labeling their relationship into something more than just friends.

 

Rin gulped but the lump in his throat made it hard to do it. He felt suffocated, the room was closing in on him and he couldn't breathe anymore. He found that lately they were always fighting over such small things. It pained Rin to see Haruka getting hurt because of him.

 

He wondered if Haruka was slowly falling out of love with him, if their relationship was fading away and all he had left where the memories of the times where everything was alright. Rin admitted to himself that there was no spark between them anymore, and all he could do was watch everything crumble in front of his red eyes.

 

A life without Haruka…

 

It hurt, just thinking about it was painful enough to make him frown. Yet, Rin was not blind or stupid, he couldn’t help but wonder if he was just in love with the good times he had with Haruka, their memories, and what their relationship used to be before they fought almost everyday. He wondered if that was why he couldn’t let him go… maybe he was in love with their history together instead of Haruka himself.

 

He grew up listening to how everybody thought they should just be together, thinking how they were perfect for each other, and maybe Rin just wanted to believe it… because it sounded so beautiful, so romantic.

 

But maybe they had been over for so long that neither of them had figured it out yet.

 

“...No, we are fine,” Rin placed his hands on his head, as if it could be enough to calm his headache. “We are… just fine. Just breathe, Rin.”

 

Not too long after, Rin decided to leave work early by letting his chief know he felt sick. The truth was that he was not lying, he was indeed sick… sick of this relationship.

  
  


 

 

It was around six o'clock in the evening when Rin had finally decided to wake up. He had been laying in bed all day probably thinking too much, overthinking what was already done and trying to find a solution he just couldn’t get.

 

He heard the front door open and the click of Haruka's shoes as walked his way through the entrance. Rin had left the bedroom door open, knowing that he wouldn’t forgive himself if  he missed Haruka’s arrival. Quietly, Rin pushed himself out of bed and walked his way down the hallway. There he was; he spotted Haruka closing the front door and letting a sigh escape his pale lips. His back was facing Rin’s direction, the reason why he was not noticed by the other. The scent of chocolate and sweets lingered in the air, a scent that always followed Haruka after a long day at the bakery… and a scent that Rin couldn’t help but hate completely.

 

Haruka was a great cook; why would he just focus on desserts when he could be cooking anything else? After all, Rin hated sweets the most.

 

Leaving those thoughts aside, and right when Haruka started taking his shoes off, Rin took his cellphone out of his pocket and punched in a number. In a matter of seconds, Haruka’s phone started ringing and he pulled it out of his pocket, but once his blue eyes read Rin’s name on the screen, he didn’t move a finger to answer the call.

 

Haruka just stared down at his phone, deep in thought while it kept ringing and ringing; Rin couldn’t help but feel slightly heartbroken as he witnessed the scene in silence, a silence he didn’t hesitate to break.

 

“Oh, so your phone is working after all.” The line of Haruka’s shoulders went stiff, a degree of tension crossing his back as Rin spoke. Quickly, Haruka turned around and their eyes met for the first time that day. “I don’t know if I should feel relieved because it is working or annoyed because you have been ignoring my calls since yesterday.”

 

“Rin…” Haruka whispered, eyes unreadable in the dim light. Rin’s heart was beating so hard in his chest, almost sure Haruka would be able to hear it if he got any closer to him.  He felt anxious, staring at Haruka’s lips while waiting for a reaction, a good excuse, ANYTHING that could make sense… but nothing came out to break the silence between them.

 

Haruka broke their eye contact, staring at the floor with dull eyes. Rin’s breath was taken away when Haruka decided to walk past him without saying something. His red eyes were wide open, staring at the closed door as he heard Haruka’s steps walking down the hall and, soon enough, Rin’s blood started boiling inside his veins.

 

He went after Haruka.

 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?!” Rin grabbed Haruka by his wrist and turned him around, forcing their eyes to meet once more against the other’s will. “How long are you planning on ignoring me?!”

 

“Let go,” Haruka warned, his voice taking a deep tone that he rarely used with Rin.

 

“Are you seriously running away?! You are such a hypocrite!” Rin pulled Haruka towards his body. “You said you wanted to talk about us yesterday! Let’s talk now!”

 

“Right now? Why not yesterday...?!” Haruka replied letting out his frustration for the first time after their fight. “Why do we always have to do things your way?”

 

“My way?!” Rin scoffed. “Oh sorry, I forgot you’re still upset because I didn’t have your goddamn mackerel for the first time in five years.”

 

Haruka broke Rin’s grip on his wrist by pulling away, taking two steps back, he stared back at Rin in disbelief.

 

“You are making me sound like some weird fish maniac…” Haruka breathed. “This is not even about mackerel, Rin!”

 

Not expecting him to ever utter such words to him, he was taken by surprise yet that was not enough to erase the frown from his face. “Then about what? Why did you leave the house all of a sudden without letting me know where you were?!”

 

“Because of the same reason you did; I needed time to think.”

 

“I was worried!”

 

“I was too...!” Haruka spat back, clenching his fist tight as he spoke. “You left me by myself, as if you couldn’t even stand the idea of being under the same roof with me. It’s like we’re fading away!”

 

Fuck, that hurt. Rin’s heart ached against his chest because Haruka was actually speaking the truth; a truth Rin was trying so hard to ignore for the past months. It wasn’t as if he couldn’t stand being around Haruka, it was because whenever they were together… things would always end with someone getting their feelings hurt.

 

And that single idea made Rin feel terrible; he wanted more than anything to make Haruka happy but lately he just couldn’t remember how to do it.

 

“So that’s why you left, huh?” Rin spoke back, trading his fear with hostility toward the other. It was as if he couldn’t help it; Rin hated to show his weakness to Haruka, especially when he felt he was wrong. “And Makoto was more than happy to have you over, wasn’t he? Just like he always is whenever you show up on his front door after we fight.”

 

Haruka just stared at Rin for a moment, quietly, as if he was trying to process the direction this whole conversation was taking. “Why are you bringing Makoto into this....?”

 

“That’s exactly what I should be asking you!” Rin roared, making Haruka flinch as the red-head took a step forward. “Why are you bringing Makoto into our relationship?!

 

“I’m not…!” Haruka paused, his shoulders now trembling with frustration. “He is my best friend. There’s nothing wrong with that!”

 

“Oh, but there is! You always run to him whenever we fight, whenever we disagree in something!” He felt hot rage bubble up in him, and couldn't help it as he rambled. Makoto represented Rin’s insecurities, his jealousy, the fear not being able to make Haruka happy the way Makoto could if he tried. “Yesterday he didn’t even allow me to come and get you, as if he was part of our relationship. I am sick of it, Haru!”

 

Haruka was not even looking at Rin at this point, he had both hands against his chest as if it hurt, as if he was too overwhelmed by their fight that he couldn’t even react properly. Rin noticed something was wrong with Haru, but his mouth was too stubborn to ask the cause of the other’s pained expression.

 

“He was just worried. I wasn’t…! You were too loud!” Haruka said, his eyebrows trembling despite his steady voice. “If you are implying that I should stop seeking out my best friend whenever I need to vent things out, you’re out of your mind. You simply can’t, Rin.”

 

“He wasn’t worried, Haru,” Rin said acidly. “He just wants you for himself!”

 

Haruka stared wide eyed at the red-head as if he couldn’t believe Rin would morph Makoto’s pure feelings into something twisted and completely selfish. Rin didn’t regret his own words, even if his insecurities were speaking for him, because he felt they held some truth within them.

 

“You are making no sense…” Haruka whispered, turning on his heels and putting an end to their discussion by leaving the scene. “I’m done talking with you.” Rin followed Haruka with his gaze until the other disappeared inside the bathroom. He guessed that maybe Haruka was going to take one of those longs baths to wash away the tension and the stress between them.

 

Rin couldn’t help but sigh, feeling there was so much more he wanted to let out. Haruka was running away, again, just like he always did. What was Haruka thinking? If Haruka doesn’t say anything, how was Rin supposed to know what was going on through his head?

 

Frustrated, Rin decided to get himself distracted and cook something. He knew that his intentions were always in the right place, for sure, but in the end he always fucked things up by getting carried away and not listening to Haruka without taking everything he said as an offense.

 

“Fuck…” he whispered as he kicked the wall on his way to the kitchen.

  


 

 

 

It was a quiet evening at Makoto’s place; with a breeze coming from the sea through his open window, and no noises disturbing his reading, the brunette had a small smile on his face while enjoying himself after a busy day.

 

Makoto flipped through the pages of his new book, sitting cross-legged, looking so peacefully with his own silence. Yet, even though he promised himself to finish chapter seventeen before dinner, Makoto caught himself checking his phone very often every now and then.

 

No texts or missed calls from Haruka so far.  A soft meow echoed through the room and Makoto blinked several times before snapping out of his thoughts. He found Mittens sitting on the floor right next to his left foot, tilting his head at Makoto while he waited to be pampered by his owner.

 

Makoto smiled sweetly at his cat and picked him up from the floor. “Hello, big boy.” He placed a soft kiss just above Mitten’s nose and chuckled once his cat started scratching the very same spot in reaction.

 

Makoto couldn't be more thankful to have Mittens here with him, cheering him up just before his thoughts became bitter once more. What would he do without him?

 

“Looks like Haru doesn’t needs me tonight,” he whispered, hugging his cat carefully against his chest. Makoto smiled, but he was not able to keep the smile on for too long. Mittens was just staring back at his owner with big curious eyes. “It’s okay. I am happy for him, I promise...”

 

Of course he was happy for Haruka; he knew Rin for a long time, he would never hurt the person he loved intentionally. They were both humans, mistakes happen and fights wouldn’t always be an option.

 

After all, Haruka and Rin were once rivals… not willing to lose against each other.

 

Mittens meowed in response, ears twitching and tail swaying with elegance. Makoto licked his own lower lip, letting his mind wonder on yesterday’s incident. His mind flashed to the memories of his fight with Rin right after midnight and Makoto couldn’t help but blush in embarrassment.

 

The whole situation happened so fast, leaving no room for mediated responses… just reflexes and reactions. He regretted getting himself involved into Haruka and Rin’s fight… but it is what it is.

 

Sure, things had gotten out of control but he certainly didn't blame Rin for it. In fact, he couldn’t help to feel ashamed for secretly hoping for that relationship to perish. What good would it do if Haruka was unhappy in the end?

 

“...I think I owe Rin an apology.”

 

The cat agreed with a loud purring and Makoto stood up from his chair, making his way through the kitchen thinking it was probably time to start defrosting his dinner for that night.

  
  


 

 

Several moons have passed, but things remained the same between Haruka and Rin. Same old fights, same old struggles; both men couldn't figure each other out yet and the tension in the air between them kept growing with the end of each day.

 

Rin started actually enjoying work more than he should; keeping his mind busy with constant action was all he needed to take that frown off his face. Still, avoiding the problem wasn't exactly going to solve it either...

 

It was close to the end of their shift when Rin and Sousuke laughed inside their patrol car, drinking their favorite soda and exchanging jokes here and there.

 

"Okay, here's one. Listen up!" Rin started while readjusting himself in his seat, so his whole body was facing Sousuke as he spoke. “A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street-”

 

He was not even halfway through his joke when Sousuke’s phone suddenly rang. Rin frowned in annoyance, sealing his lips shut and crossing his arms. Sousuke took his cellphone out and stared down at the notifications showing on his screen.

 

“Nine thirty; we’re officially off now,” he announced and Rin couldn’t help but laugh in response.

 

“You actually set an alarm for that?!”

 

“Shut up. I lost thirty minutes of my time last saturday, that’s not gonna happen again.”

 

Rin laughed, yet that laughter didn’t last too long. Soon his expression turned thoughtful, his bangs now hiding the sadness inside his red eyes. Sousuke knew Rin very well; they had been best friends long enough to know when the redhead was having a bad day just by looking at him.

 

“Rin?” he asked in an attempt to break the silence between them.

 

“I don’t want to go home yet,” Rin whispered, red eyes on his lap and Sousuke listened patiently. “Haru and I… we will probably fight again. I can’t stand it...”

 

Of course he heard about it, they worked over 50 hours a week inside the same patrol car and had often witnessed Rin’s stressing over his relationship with Haruka. Though he couldn’t really understand how two people that were once so right for one another could be in this situation now.

 

“Oi. It's okay for a couple to argue every now and then, you know?" Sousuke shook Rin's shoulder gently, trying to cheer him up while Rin kept his eyes down. "It’s healthy, in a way. You and Nanase can’t just go sharing the same thoughts and opinions forever.”

 

"It's not healthy, Sousuke," Rin snapped bitterly and pointedly at Sousuke, their eyes meeting once more; red over teal. His lips trembled at the emotions and the anxiousness running through his veins. “How can feeling like this even considered ‘healthy’?”

 

Sousuke blinked down at Rin, slightly taken aback by the redhead’s reaction; opening and closing his mouth, he studied Rin’s expression trying to figure out what was going through his head.

 

“Lately, everything he does bothers me. Even the way he folds our clothes, the way he keeps his voice down when we speak or… or even how he tries to pretend he is not as hurt as I am.” His red eyes dropped down, down to his feet, and he waited a moment before looking up at Sousuke once more. Rin looked so vulnerable, so fragile. “You know how terrible it makes me feel? We weren’t supposed to… feel like this with each other.”

 

“Rin…” Sousuke breathed, he felt Rin’s pain pour into his and it was suddenly so overwhelming.

 

“It’s so damn scary...” Rin spoke with a broken voice. “...Feeling like this for someone I am supposed to love.”

 

“Rin, really. Don’t. Just… don’t go there,” Sousuke interrupted as quickly as he could manage, knowing exactly where Rin's thoughts were going. “Don’t do that to yourself.”

 

Rin’s breath hitched, his heart dropping. “I…”  
  
Sousuke caught a glimpse of Rin’s face; his face wore a thousand emotions. Not saying much, Rin’s silence spoke volumes instead and that was driving Sousuke up against the wall. Quite aware that Rin’s worst enemy was being alone with his own thoughts, Sousuke felt the need to keep his best friend’s mind busy… at least just for a little longer.

“You know what? Let’s go out tonight,” Sousuke suggested, looking back at the road in front of them. “It’s been a while, don’t you think?”

Rin just looked back at Sousuke for a moment, as if the other had just offered something the redhead knew that he wanted. Going out with Sousuke, being away from home for a little longer, it sounded so great.

After all… Rin felt he just needed a break, a change in his same old routine.

“Sounds good,” he responded, the corner of his lip curving upward. “Just like old times.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to share Rin's POV in this chapter so things started making more sense in their relationship. Their whole mess is so sad to write :,) I want them to fix everything... but sometimes a relationship just breaks and there's nothing we can do to fix it. Once a relationship changes, it's really hard to make it work; to go back to how it used to be. Sometimes is better just to let go. Trust me, been there done that.
> 
> Oh well, let's see what happens in next chapter :D
> 
> Check out my Tumblr!  
> ohmynanase.tumblr.com
> 
> Love ya!


	6. Broken

The entire apartment was quiet; nothing but the soft sound of a pencil scratching across paper filled the living room. Haruka there, sitting on his desk with a pencil in hand. Drawing had always been an outlet for him, along with swimming and cooking. In the worst times, tracing his feelings through a pencil on a paper had always been his comfort; a way to escape from reality into his own fantasies.

 

But something felt wrong. Haruka couldn’t draw that night; not even a small trace felt right under his fingertips, as if he couldn’t manage to get anything out, none of that usual smooth flow of inspiration.

 

A dozen crumpled balls of paper were scattered all over the white tile, Haruka couldn’t figure out why nothing was coming out right. Normally his thoughts would come out as drawings, flowing like water across the paper, yet his thoughts now were full of darkness. Deep inside he knew why he was struggling from the dreaded artist's block, why he couldn’t set his hand free and let it do what he does best....it was because he was trying to sketch Rin Matsuoka’s face.

 

Haruka had always loved Rin; he was his inspiration, his life, his source of happiness… but now, just thinking about him made his chest grew tight against a swell of anxiety and stress.

 

Every breath was a struggle; lately he was always in pain because it felt like if Rin had a numb heart towards him. Haruka lives with the idea that their broken relationship can be fixed, but everytime he looks at Rin, the pain in his chest grows worse.

 

Haruka now prepares meat for dinner more often than not, because he knows Rin likes that better. Haruka also would rather stay quiet when feeling uneasy, because he just wants every possible argument to be avoided. He even stopped going to Makoto’s house that often just for Rin’s sake, because he knew how it started bothering Rin recently. But even after doing all this, there’s no improvement in their relationship. Every time his eyes meet Rin’s, there’s something missing between the two of them: Warmth, some affection that should be there… but it isn’t.

 

Haruka shut his eyes and took a deep breath. Right then, his phone started vibrating on the table, a message lighting up the screen. Not too willingly, Haruka picks up his phone and reads the short message crossing his screen.

 

‘At the bar with Sousuke. Might get home after midnight.’ Rin wrote.

 

Haruka’s jaw trembled, as if he wanted to say something… but nothing came out of his mouth in the end. Slowly, he placed his phone back on the table and stared down at his unfinished sketch. This person sketched on white paper was supposed to be Rin, you could tell by the hair style, his jaw and the form of his nose… yet the face was not even close to be finished. No mouth, no eyes.

 

He couldn’t seem to remember the way Rin’s eyes crinkled at the corner of his eyes when he's flashing a toothy smile, couldn’t even remember Rin’s thick eyelashes, with that perfect flick at the tip that Gou envied.

 

Lately, everything revolving Rin was a blur… and Haruka knew exactly why.

 

“Is this… it?”

 

 

 

 

A car parked right in front of Makoto’s house several nights later, when rain was pouring down the dark sky and the wind was wild. After a while, the passenger door opened and Makoto climbed out with an umbrella in hand. He prodded the door closed with his shoulder as he opened his umbrella and ran around to the driver's side.

 

A driver’s window rolled down to reveal Kisumi smiling warmingly at Makoto. “Glad you made it home in one piece.”

 

"Thanks for driving me home, Kisumi.” Makoto thanked as an embarrassed smile crossed his lips. “I really appreciate it. I didn't really want to think about having to take a taxi back from the fire station this late at night. They are slow and just too expensive!”

 

“Well, maybe they charge you double for being too cute to handle!” Kisumi joked.

 

“Kisumi!” Makoto tried to keep his cheeks from blushing, but failed.

 

“We should hangout sometime soon, seriously. It’s been awhile since you actually joined me for dinner.”

 

“I... know, I-” Makoto apologized, a timid smile pulling at his lips, yet Kisumi spoke once again even before Makoto was done working another excuse out.

 

“I am serious.” Kisumi spoke as he leaned back into his seat while sighing. “Lately you always reject my invitations to come over or to go out and have fun. If I didn’t know you well, I would think you're just mad at me or something.”

 

“Kisumi…” Makoto spoke over the gentle pitter patter of the light spring rain hitting his umbrella. “I'm sorry, I just… have somebody waiting for me at home and I feel guilty if I leave them alone for too long.”

 

“Are we talking about Mittens, again?”

 

Makoto remained quiet for ten long seconds, but then laughed quietly.  

 

“Ma-ko-to!” Kisumi whinned, loud as his usual self would. The brunette couldn’t help but find Kisumi’s behavior cute and laughed even louder than before.

 

“I'm sorry! I'm sorry!” Makoto apologized while wiping a tear from his left eye. “But I'm serious, I… really feel guilty if I leave my cat alone for too long.”

 

“Seriously, sometimes you act as if that cat was some kid of yours.” Kisumi sighed with false annoyance. “Lately you never go out or have fun after work. But that’s okay, I should include Mittens in my next attempt to get you to come out with me for dinner. A pet friendly restaurant, maybe?”

 

“We'll see…” Makoto smiled softly still holding his umbrella firmly over his head. “Thanks again from bringing back from work, Kisumi.”

 

“Hey, no problem.” He winked. “Just get your car fixed, will ya?”

 

Makoto nodded and waved in response before the car drove off. Makoto watched as Kisumi’s car disappeared down the road, leaving him with only the sound of the rain hitting his umbrella, feeling emptier than before.

 

That smile didn’t last long on his lips.

 

Kisumi might be right, though. Makoto’s routine had recently changed; ever since Haruka’s love life had started to take a turn for the worst, Makoto felt as if it was his duty to be always available for his best friend.

 

Even if Makoto hadn't heard from Haruka lately, he still couldn’t push himself to leave the house after working hours. What if Haruka called? What if Haruka needed a place to stay again for the night?

 

What if…?

 

What if?

 

What if?!

 

“Stop. Haru is an adult, he doesn’t need me to look after him like this,” Makoto told himself as he covered his forehead with his free hand. “If he ever needed me, he would just call me so just stop…!”

 

Makoto took a deep breath, walked up his porch steps and into his house. He shook his wet umbrella outside before closing the front door. After taking his shoes off, and leaned against the closest wall, Makoto closed his eyes and tried to ignore the burning sensation in his chest from missing Haruka more than he had in a long while.

 

If Haruka hadn’t contacted him recently, it could only mean that things with Rin were improving and that Haruka was probably happier than he had been in a while. If that was the case, Makoto was surely glad for his best friend because, if Haruka was happy, then Makoto was happy too. But why does feeling happy for Haruka hurt Makoto at the same time…?

 

Makoto shook his head hard, trying to push away those negative thoughts that were recently haunting him. “Maybe I should go out with Kisumi next time.” Makoto’s voice echoed through the entrance as he hugged himself in the darkness.

 

And as if on cue, the thunder echoed, making the man gasp in surprise; the entire sky turned white for half a second, tensing Makoto’s shoulders on the spot.  “Shoot…” he gulped, shaking from the fear that started flowing through his veins. Oh, this was one of the things he hated the most about leaving alone: facing his fears with nobody to rely on.

 

Then he remembered: Mittens. That’s right. He hadn't seen his cat ever since he came  through the door two minutes ago. Normally, Mittens would greet him at the doorway within seconds of his arrival but today that didn’t seem to be the case.

 

“Mittens…?” he called him, arms still wrapped around his own body. “Where are you, buddy?”

 

 

 

 

It was late, already passed one in the morning and Haruka couldn’t hold it any longer. It started two weeks ago, Rin had suddenly decided that he’d rather spend his free hours after work in a bar with Sousuke rather than with Haruka himself. Yes, they haven’t fought in a while, but that was only due to the fact that Rin was never home in the hours when Haruka was still awake.

 

They've barely spoken face to face ever since this started, only through short texts or early morning’s goodbyes before one of them left to work first.

 

This was driving Haruka insane! How was he supposed to deal with this void in the pit of his stomach now that he was almost absolutely sure that Rin was avoiding spending some time alone with him?

 

Haruka couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't. That’s why he decided to wait up that night, sitting on the kitchen table waiting for Rin to arrive at the time he said he would. And right before the clock concluded another minute, Haruka’s prayers were finally heard as Rin opened the front door of their small apartment.

 

The redhead tiptoed through the hallway, under the belief that the other was already asleep. Dripping water all over the hardwood floor, Rin made it to the kitchen where he jumped in his spot at the sight of Haruka sitting on the table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

 

“H-Haru?” Rin could do nothing but stare at Haruka with a confused expression. “Why are you still awake?”

 

"I was waiting for you," Haru said, his deadpan tone entirely at odds with the pain flowing through his blue eyes.

 

“Oh, you… shouldn’t have,” Rin said as he walked into the kitchen, completely avoiding any type of eye contact with Haruka. He opened the fridge and rummaged through it, until he found a water bottle and took it out for himself. “It’s almost two in the morning.”

 

“I know,” Haruka replied, pushing his chair back and finally standing up. “It’s really late, but otherwise I wouldn’t see you at all.”

 

Rin didn't say anything, keeping his eyes trained on his bottle. Haru's fist clenched.

 

“Are you… doing this on purpose?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“This.”  Haruka pushed his heavy body forward a couple of steps, his eyes never leaving the other’s figure.“Coming home late, barely spending time together, pretending I'm not here when I am standing right in front of you..”

 

“Haru…”

 

“You're avoiding me, aren’t you?” Haruka continued, voice fragile and slow.  He felt lonely although he had Rin as his partner. “You don’t love me like you used to.”

 

“S-stop.” Rin looked away, feeling his heart heavier within each second that passed, sinking deeper inside his chest. “I don’t wanna argue with you right now, I'm really tired.”

 

But Haruka felt as if he was ready to break, shatter at any moment. He couldn't take the constant high level of tension between them any longer, or the uncomfortableness every time they talked. “I’m tired of running away from this, from us…”

 

He broke the distance between them and grabbed his arm, spinning him around so they were facing one another. “This time I want to know. I need to know what’s going on inside your mind…!”

 

Rin’s water bottle fell to the floor at the cause of Haruka’s sudden actions, but the redhead was too surprised to even react to it. Haruka stood on his toes, his eyebrows trembling while he tried to hide how this entire situation was killing him.

 

“Please tell me what’s going on...” It slipped out in the faintest of whispers. Pleading.

 

Rin stared down at Haruka for a moment, lips trembling uncontrollably as he was forced to look into those pained blue eyes waiting for an answer. Rin had neglected him for too long and now, now he… he couldn’t...

 

He felt broken, so lost in this relationship that he couldn’t see clearly anymore. The past couple months had taken their toll and he really had no idea how to make anything any better. His throat tightened at the memories of what they were and the sad reality of what they had become. And that was when he found his answer.

 

“It’s just… that...” Rin started, and Haruka realized that he was not ready to face the truth at all. “You are just… too boring!”

 

It came out more like a loud whisper, loud enough for Haruka to hear it clearly. Rin pulled his arm away from Haruka’s grip and clenched his fists in reaction. “I'm tired of your freaking routines! Of eating the same meals around you, of the same fucking sex positions each night! I'm tired of coming home and arguing with you over a relationship that I don’t really care about anymore!”

 

The words were just spilling uncontrollably from his mouth before he could even process them, and Rin couldn’t stop. His heart was beating so fast, adrenaline flowing through his chest as he was finally letting everything out. “And it hurts! Damn it! I hurts because you were..!”

 

He paused, struggling for breath. Feeling his heart stuck in his throat. “You were everything…”

 

The truth was that Rin regretted everything as soon as he was done talking, yet he couldn't do anything but stare down at a wide-eyed Haruka who looked just as lost as he felt. Haruka’s chest trembled violently and nothing escaped his lips, it was as if he was trying to deny each word he heard coming from the one that he once loved.

 

After a few more seconds of silence, those blue eyes were finally able to blink and the light the once possessed was now gone. “I see. It… makes sense.” he whispered. “We have always been… so different, haven’t we?”

 

Rin’s shoulders tensed when realization finally him: There were things that were better left unsaid, and he had just said the most horrible thing he could have to his lover. His pupils trembled in concern. "Shit, Haru. I'm sorry, it came out all wrong. Listen, I..."

 

“I needed to hear that, though," Haruka whispered, turning on his heels with his back now facing Rin, eyes closed.

 

He knew it all along. He was a person of habit, breaking his routines caused him stress, but Rin has always been someone looking for something new to happen, for a change that spiced up his living situation.

 

And Haru finally understood that he couldn't be the person Rin needed him to be.

  
  


The silence grew and the tension thickened between them by every second that went by. Rin's eyes grew glassy as he stared down the floor, suddenly he felt so anxious to even take his words back.

 

“...I need to go,” Haruka announced, turning his head slightly to face Rin. He did not missed the expression of alarm now crossing his lover’s face. “I’m leaving you.”

 

No air reached Rin's lungs right after that statement was made. Rin couldn’t process anything except for that one simple thing; Haruka was implying he wanted them to be over.

“...Haru!”

 

“I’ve been thinking about this for a while. It’s… probably better this way, anyway.”

 

“No! You can’t!” Rin looked so wounded, so regretful and Haruka could hardly stand it. Rin tried to reach him, grab him by the wrist, but Haruka moved his arm away instead. “I need you!”

 

“You don’t need me! You think you do, but you... you haven’t needed me in a long time!”

 

Haruka took a deep breath and looked away, staring at the wall with only the sound of the rain pouring in the background. Something in Rin’s chest contracted, squeezing his heart the more he processed their current situation. Funny how things works; now that he was about to lose Haruka for good, he regretted his actions, his choices. He had been with Haruka for so long that the idea of being away from him was quite scary.

 

The unmistakable sound of sobbing broke their silence and Haruka knew Rin was now crying.

 

“I-I’m sorry…” Rin whispered and Haruka’s eyebrows trembled with sorrow.

 

It’s too late to start doubting on a decision he had already taken. It was still raining outside but at least not as heavy as before; there were no busses running at that time, yet Haruka needed to get out of there before Rin said something to lure him back to that toxic relationship he was trying to leave behind.

 

“Goodbye.” He left. Haruka walked out the kitchen and through the front door with an unknown emotion burning his chest. To his own surprise, Rin did not stop him from leaving; he did called Haruka’s name more than once, but Rin never went after him. It was as if they both knew their relationship had been death for a very long time— no kisses, no long phone calls, and no ‘I love you’s..

 

Bracing himself against the cold rain, he quickened his pace until he was actually running. His shoes slapped noisily against the grey sidewalk and the puddles of rain enveloped his feet. Haruka’s breath came out in short pants, his lungs burning with the need for more air but he couldn't stop; he needed to get as far away as his feet could take him from Rin.

 

All those fights were finally over, but that did not stop him from feeling so hollow.  He felt as if he had lost a part of himself that day, a part that he would never get back.

 

Haruka wanted to disappear, he wanted to set himself to sleep. The longer he was awake, the more he noticed how much lost he felt. Where was he supposed to go? What was he supposed to do now?

 

For the past five years he had done everything with Rin; they had taken every step and decision together, Haruka was not used on being by his own. It was as if he had forgotten how to think by himself, and the single idea made him feel completely sick.

 

He did not realize how much he had relied on Rin until he was gone.

 

Out of breath, he fell to his knees a few blocks away from his place. His shoulders were shaking, body shivering from the cold rain and the breeze from the passing storm. He couldn’t think straight, still traumatized by the fact that he had just broken up with Rin. He hugged himself inwardly, unable to believe it.

 

He felt so afraid, so confused, so broken and bruised.

 

Closing his eyes tightly, Haruka remembered a familiar face that he longed to see for quite some time now. Those lips that would always smile at him, those warm green orbs and that perfectly sculptured face.

 

“Makoto…” Haruka called his name over and over seeking for some comfort, for some light inside the darkness surrounding his heart. “M-Makoto…!”

 

He felt his phone vibrating in the pit of his soaked pants pockets. It took him a couple seconds to react, afraid to get a call from Rin now more than ever. He dug it out reading the name that flashed across the screen which read Makoto. Haruka felt butterflies in his stomach instead of dead weight in his chest.

 

What great timing; Makoto had always been like that, just like a drop of water in the desert. Haruka did not hesitated and took the call, not minding the time or the rain hitting his phone. He needed to answer, he needed to hear Makoto’s voice.

 

With his shaking fingers, he held the phone against his ear and answered the call and spoke.

 

“Makoto…?”

 

“Haru!” Yet Makoto’s was far from being soft, instead it was filled with panic and nervousness that seemed so out of place. “H-Haru, I’m so sorry for calling this late. I-it’s just…!”

 

Haruka stared at the floor with a confused look on his face. Judging by how unsteady Makoto’s breathing was over the phone, Haruka knew there was something else going on. He cleared his throat, leaving his own distress to a side just to focus on the mystery right in front of him. “What’s wrong?” he asked with concern. “Are you alright?”

 

“Oh my god…” Makoto sobbed in a whisper. “I-I can’t…”

 

He was crying. Haruka wasn't sure why he was crying, or for how long he'd been crying, but Makoto was definitely crying.

 

“Makoto...!” called Haru, alarmed; holding the phone tight against his ear, trying not to miss anything coming from the other side of the line. “What happened?!”

  
“...Mittens is missing.” Makoto whispered. “I lost my cat.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Makoto, poor Haru and poor Rin. I AM SORRYYY!!! ;3; Don't hate me! Kisumi accidentally flirted with Makoto, sorry not sorry. Well, let's see where the story goes from now...
> 
> Btw, Sorry it took too long for me to post this chapter, my family came to visit me and we've been all over the place. And also, the last scene was so hard to write and I still feel its not good but... oh well :')
> 
> Check out my Tumblr!  
> ohmynanase.tumblr.com
> 
> Love ya!


	7. Progress

Makoto grew up surrounded by a warm family; supportive parents and cheerful siblings. Dinner time was always a fun affair because everyone would gather together and have food while chatting and enjoying the evening, it was Makoto’s favorite time of the day.

 

Then one day he made a very important decision and moved out for good. He still lived close to his parent’s house but, knowing that he was almost hitting adulthood, Makoto knew that couldn’t always rely on his parents forever and it was better to leave the nest.

 

There was a major problem though, living by himself meant exactly that: living just by himself. Alone. Nobody would greet him once he was home after work, there was no warm food on the table or anybody to have dinner with.

 

He was on his own now, all by himself. Makoto was so used to having people around him all the time and, in the end, living by himself ended up being harder than he thought it would be.

 

By the time the two month mark since he moved into his new place passed, Makoto’s mind inwardly registered that he had stopped walking and was now standing in front of a pet shop. He smiled at the sight of some kittens in a playpen just beyond the window and walked inside.

 

He made his way through the store, reaching the playpen within seconds. A lady approached him wondering if Makoto needed some assistance, but he shook his head and smiled politely while he continued watching the kittens playing inside the pen.

 

Makoto knew he had a soft spot for kittens, cats in general, and being around them was enough to make him feel better.

 

Among the kittens, there was one that captured Makoto’s attention on the spot. It was a white kitten sitting by himself near the corner of the pen, a kitten that was probably just as lonely as he felt that day.

 

Feeling sympathy for the kitten, Makoto whistled softly and tried to get the kitten’s attention. But, when the cat raised his head and their eyes met, something clicked inside Makoto’s heart and he knew he had just found a special friend.

 

Mittens was adopted that day and, ever since then, Makoto never felt lonely at home. That was why, several years later, Makoto’s heart was slowly breaking when Mittens was nowhere to be found...

 

Makoto’s voice was trembling the last time they spoke and Haruka had never heard him like this before. Yes, he had heard Makoto crying in the past, he had seen him sad multiple times but Makoto was frantic that night and Haruka couldn’t hold himself back any longer. He ran faster than he ever did before; there was no way the rain, the time, or the distance would stop him from reaching his best friend when he needed him the most.

 

He spotted a taxi not too long after and raised his hand yelling for it, waiting to be noticed; the little black car halted and Haruka hopped in. He was quite aware that a ride to Makoto’s neighborhood was going to be too expensive, but he couldn’t afford wasting more time than he already had.

 

Haruka was soaking wet, his clothes were practically stuck to him, but he did not mind. Haruka took a deep breath, totally uncaring of the fact that he was dripping over the leather seats.

 

His mind was wild and messy; so many thoughts ran through his head and he could feel a headache coming on. His fingers were shaking over his lap and his eyebrows wouldn’t stop trembling over his teary, blue eyes; he felt so anxious, so stressed, Haruka just wanted to make sure Makoto was fine.

 

Despite the rain, the trip went by too fast and soon the taxi arrived at its destination. Haruka didn’t hesitate to pay and then opened the door and stepped out of the vehicle.

 

It was the darkest night and the rain kept dropping heavily in the streets. Haruka felt a shiver run down his spine at the sight of Makoto’s house; all the lights were still on, yet nobody seemed to be home.

 

Placing one foot in front of the other, he walked under the rain toward the front door and rang the doorbell twice. Nothing happened. He tried again, yet nothing changed. Haruka tried to ignore the awful feeling that crawled to his chest, the same one that reminded him that it was almost three in the morning and Makoto was probably not home.

 

His breathing became erratic. Haruka was worried sick, unable to take his eyes away from the door. Then, he heard a noise behind him despite the heavy rain. Quickly, he turned around and spotted a person walking from the other side of the street.

 

Makoto was silently walking through the thick rain. The water dripping from his hair, his clothes completely drenched despite the umbrella over his head, eyes on the ground and his lips trembling.

 

Haruka’s eyes went wide.

 

“Makoto!”

 

Makoto lifted his head to the sound of Haruka’s voice, meeting with those blue orbs he didn’t know he needed that night.

 

“Haru…”

 

Haruka ran toward him without a second thought. Finally, he had found Makoto! His first instinct was to make sure he was unharmed. As he got closer, he noticed the dark circles under his eyes and how his skin was even paler than usual. Judging by the mud covering his shoes and jeans, Haruka could only assume that Makoto had been out under the rain for a really long time now.

 

Haruka’s mouth opened, wanting to ask so many questions, yet Makoto’s eyes became a depressing dull veil of green once he started crying in front of his best friend.

 

“I… I couldn’t find him. I looked everywhere...” His shoulders trembled as he sobbed, unable to contain himself. “Mittens… is gone.”

 

Haruka’s heart broke at the sight Makoto’s despair, at those tears sliding down his cheeks. For a second he couldn’t do anything but stare, trying to process everything at once, but then he woke up and placed a hand on Makoto’s shoulder.

 

“He’s not gone, okay?”  Haruka met his gaze trying to give him hope. “We… we are going to find him.”

 

“But I called every animal shelter and veterinary office in town earlier today!” Makoto said, exasperated. “Nobody has seen him! He’s lost…!”

 

“Of course nobody has seen him, it’s three in the morning,” he said hoarsely, feeling Makoto’s pain as his own. “You can’t keep looking for him under the rain. Let’s go back to the house and continue looking for him tomorrow.”

 

But when Haruka tried to grab Makoto’s wrist in an attempt to guide him back home, Makoto stopped him right away and shook his head desperately. “I-I can’t! I need to find him!” Makoto insisted. “It’s raining too hard, a-and Mittens hates thunder! I bet he is so scared! I-I need to keep looking, Haru, just a little bit longer!”

 

Haruka had never seen Makoto so hurt, so heartbroken. He was aware that at this point Makoto was not even thinking logically, it was probably Makoto’s heart doing the talking, acting upon pure impulse. Haruka could no longer look inside those green eyes, so he ended up looking away without letting go from Makoto’s wrist.

 

“Just please…!” he whispered, his own emotions taking form for the first time in hours. “Let’s go back home, let’s… let’s sleep. Please! I promise you we will find Mittens tomorrow. I swear…!”

 

There was a trace of exasperation in Haruka’s voice that Makoto couldn’t ignore, suddenly he wondered if there was something else bothering Haruka that night that Makoto was not aware of at the moment.

 

Still, Makoto knew Haruka was right, he knew he couldn’t keep looking for Mittens this late at night, but he couldn’t stop himself from feeling so distressed. He squished his eyes shut, trying so hard to regulate his own breathing, and nodded slowly to Haruka’s words. “...Okay.”

 

Surprised, Haruka looked back at Makoto noticing how the other was doing his best to control the pain and worry glowing inside his green eyes. They stared at each other for a couple of seconds, both trying to analyze the other’s silence, until Haruka nodded and guided the brunette back to his own house.

  
  
  
  


Haruka listened to the sound of the washing machine as he was sitting in Makoto’s chair right next to the window. Their dirty clothes were getting washed and Makoto had offered to lend him clothes for the night while he stayed.

 

The rain kept falling as Haruka stared blankly at his reflection through the window, waiting for Makoto. So much had happened in one day and he felt emotionally vulnerable at the moment.

 

He tried to keep his thoughts away from Rin for the night, so as to fix what he could for Makoto. Yet what pained him the most was that he was just as damned broken as Makoto. How could he fix someone else if he couldn’t even fix himself?

 

Behind him, soft steps approached. They were measured, evenly calculated, and soon Makoto spoke, breaking the train of thoughts that crossed Haruka’s mind. “Hey Haru…” he whispered, his best friend now looking back at him. “Tonight… I…”

 

His eyes were fixed on Haruka, too shaky and full of something Haruka couldn’t put into words. For the first time he couldn't read what Makoto was feeling and that somehow made him feel slightly nervous.

 

“What is it…?”

 

“Would you sleep next to me tonight…?”

 

“Next to you?”

 

“As… in the same bed, I mean.”

 

“Oh…”

 

Haruka stared back at Makoto, surprised by such an unexpected request coming from the other’s lips. He hesitated to answer, but just a look at the blush crossing Makoto’s face and the way his eyes were now glued to the ground was enough for Haruka to get an idea of what was going on through Makoto’s head.

 

Makoto didn’t want to sleep by himself that night and neither did Haruka.

 

No further explanation was needed. After all, they both knew they needed each other more than ever. So, with a silent nod he accepted and stood up from the chair.

  
  
  
  


That night, they shared a bed just like the old days– but it didn't feel weird, it felt… natural. Makoto was the first one to fall asleep, laying on his side with his back facing Haruka’s direction. Haruka, on the other hand, was restless in bed, tossing and turning, trying to get comfortable and trying to escape from his own thoughts with no success.

 

He must have thought about it for hours, before it finally hit him. It hit him, and boy did it hit him hard. He had broken up with Rin, and he knew he had no chance of getting him back. It wasn’t like Rin wouldn’t want to get back together; what hurt him the most was the fact that he really didn’t miss Rin, he missed the person he thought Rin was once. An illusion.

 

And now he was on his own, alone, not even ready to face the real world all by himself. Just the thought seemed scary enough to leave him breathless. Haruka had always been afraid of change, frightened for some reason, and his life was about to change now that both Rin and he were no longer together.

 

 _‘What have I done…?’_ His eyes blurred with tears and he slapped a hand over his mouth to keep himself from making any noise. He felt devastated, depressed, and any other kind of clear thinking was impossible. For the first time in his life Haruka wanted to disappear, he just wanted to stop existing.

 

Haruka sniffled as the tears kept falling uncontrollably down his face. No matter how much he tried to will them away, he couldn’t stop. He couldn’t help but wonder how Rin was dealing with their breakup, if he cried this hard or if he felt as incomplete as Haruka felt that night.

 

Silently, his eyes wandered back to his Makoto’s sleeping form and Haruka felt the need to get closer. Seeking comfort, Haruka scooted forward on the bed until he was close enough to Makoto’s back to press his forehead against it and wrap his arms around him.

 

Just like before, Haruka inhaled Makoto’s scent while pulling himself closer and the stream of tears that poured down his face began to ease. Makoto’s scent calmed and comforted Haruka enough to lull him to sleep minutes after.

 

Little did Haruka know that Makoto had been awake for a while now, lying still as a surprised look crossed his face.

  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe Makoto was awake all this time...
> 
> Check out my Tumblr!  
> ohmynanase.tumblr.com
> 
> Love ya!


	8. Breathing

 Haruka was suddenly pulled from his sleep by the vibrations of a phone across the room. His eyes blinked open and found himself staring at Makoto’s back, knowing immediately where he was.

 

The thought rushed through his head before he could stop it, and his eyebrows trembled. That’s right, he had broken up with Rin…

 

An overwhelming sadness blurred his vision, but it didn’t last too long before those vibrations brought him back to reality.

 

His head shot up and Haruka looked around the room, trying to find the source of such vibrations. Running a hand over his face, he yawned as he came back out of his sleepy daze. He sat, turned back to the edge of the bed and stood up gently, careful not to wake Makoto up.

 

Sitting on the dresser closest to where he had been sleeping, he found Makoto’s cell-phone and picked it up. Private Number. Probably a telemarketer, Haruka assumed.

Looking over his shoulder, Haruka answered the phone call and left the bedroom in avoidance of disturbing Makoto’s sleep.

 

“Hello…?” Haruka spoke as he kept his voice down.

 

Not too long after, Haruka nearly choked on the words he heard from the person on the other side of the line. His eyes went wide in surprise.

  
  
  
  


About an hour later, Makoto woke up to an empty bed; to cold sheets and crippling confusion. Frowning, he shuffled out of bed and walked down to the kitchen hoping Haruka hadn’t gone home already.

 

“Haru?” Makoto called to an empty hallway. His voice bounced off the walls, echoing through his ears. There was no response and Haruka was nowhere in sight.

 

There's a sinking feeling in his chest, a disappointment he couldn’t ignore. After all, Haruka had promised to help him look for Mittens that day but he wasn’t even around anymore.

 

The thing that bothered Makoto the most was that Haruka would never break a promise he'd made to him. Trust between them meant everything, was the main reason their friendship was this strong after all this years. Then… where was he? Why would Haruka leave him all alone?

 

Makoto licked his lower lip once his eyes were glued on the floor under his feet. He wasn’t ready to be on his own, maybe he had never been. Not too long after, Makoto turned his head at the sound of the front door opening.

 

Haruka was there, standing just under the door frame while holding Mittens in his arms. When Makoto turned towards him, the whole world stopped from spinning just for him.

 

"Mittens..." he whispered, and the cat meowed in response, completely unaware of the turmoil that his owner went through during his absence.

 

Slowly, Makoto managed to smile widely, really feeling the relief kick in.  His  eyes had lit up when he caught sight of  Mittens, and soon the cat squirmed out of Haruka's arms and ran to meet up with Makoto.

 

“You’ve found him, Haru!” Makoto hugged the cat tighter to his chest, trying way too hard not to cry. It was then when Haruka noticed something really vulnerable in the way Makoto smiled: it was more genuine and …warm, but fragile at the same time.

 

“I didn’t do anything…” Haruka felt his cheeks burning up and couldn’t do more than avoid eye contact. It was a ‘Haru-thing’ (at Makoto would always call it) hating to be under the spotlight, that’s for sure, but at that moment he wasn’t entirely annoyed. Haruka felt a thousand things right then, but more than anything he felt peace at the sight of Makoto’s smile.

 

“Of course you did, you brought Mittens back to me.” Makoto assured and Haruka looked back at him slowly. His green eyes were showing all kind of more emotions, Makoto just looked really grateful. “Where was he?”

 

“They called from one animal shelter this morning while you were still sleeping.” Haruka explained. “A lady found Mittens yesterday, but by the time she tried to reach the shelter it was already too late and they were already closed so that’s why she waited until today.”

 

“And you went to pick him up for me, Haru.” Makoto rubbed his chin on the top of Mitten's head,  looking at Haru with his eyes glowing bright. “Thank you very much, Haru…!”

 

There it was again, that smile. A smile that could light up the whole town,  melt hearts for miles around, and… make Haruka feel that everything was alright.

 

But… he wasn’t alright.

 

Haruka looked away and closed his eyes.

 

It wasn’t even funny how his mood shifted within seconds; he suddenly felt exposed to the world. Makoto was too busy talking to his cat to even notice how Haruka’s shoulders hunched. Haruka hugged himself, digging his fingers into his already arms while his heart ached.

 

Now that he took Makoto’s pain and distress away, Haruka was able to feel his own and let it burn from the inside.

 

Suddenly he couldn't take it anymore and had to remove himself from this situation. Haruka didn't even glance toward Makoto when he walked past him in the hallway.

 

It was until then the bathroom door closed behind him that Makoto raised his head, turned around and stared at the closed door on the other end of the hallway.

 

“Haru…?” But, not too long after, Makoto heard the water running and assumed that Haruka was taking one of his long baths. There was something off about Haruka, something that he couldn't put into words ever since yesterday but Makoto knew he had to act upon it.

  
  


Standing by the balcony looking out at the sea, Haruka stood there, blankly staring out, eyes unfocused.  He was fresh out of his bath, hair dripping on his shoulders while he wore the same clothes he did yesterday.

 

There were so many things tormenting him under the sun’s light that morning, yet he could do nothing but remain quiet and breathe. How long have he been standing there? Haruka was not entirely sure, his hair was still pretty wet so maybe it had just been a couple minutes, maybe more. There was no way to actually tell what was going on around him when he felt suffocated by his own self.

 

The sound of the sliding glass door opening then closing behind him managed to make Haruka more aware of his surroundings and assume he was no longer by himself. He licked his lower lip and grabbed the rail in front of him as he focused breathing. His eyes went straight to the floor and his shoulders trembled in anticipation.

 

“I knew you would be here.” Haruka heard Makoto speak. He looked up to see Makoto standing right next to him with a gentle smile crossing his face. He paused for a moment to appreciate that smile, the only one that could make his heart feel better. “You have always liked the view of the ocean from my room, right?”

 

His blue eyes went back to the sea with his mind full of thoughts Makoto couldn’t hear. Haruka did not replied and just shrugged with barely some effort. They remained in silence for a few minutes, listening to the sound of  the waves crashing in the shore.

 

Makoto looked back at him for a few seconds, concern filling his features. Makoto had become used to Haruka’s silence, but he still felt uneasy that day. Somehow he could see part of Haruka’s pain reflected on those blue orbs seeping into his soul and it burned him.

 

Softly stepping closer next to each other, Makoto followed Haruka’s gaze and stared out to the ocean before he finally spoke once more. “You know, I know you so well that sometimes I find myself thinking like you would think.” he chuckled. “I fold my clothes the same way you fold yours, every night I double check if all my doors are locked twice just like you used to when...”

 

Makoto paused, but Haruka kept listening. “Hold on, I am making no sense.” he excused himself, embarrassed. “The point is that I know you wouldn’t be crying without a reason last night at bed and I am truly concerned.”

 

Haruka immediately he felt his breath hitch in his throat, he looked back up at Makoto and his eyes trembled. “So you… were awake?” he asked in a whispered and Makoto just gave him an apologetic smile in return.

 

“I am sorry, Haru…”

 

“It’s…” He was supposed to say it was okay, but the thing was that it was not okay. Haruka couldn’t help but feel exposed, completely embarrassed by the fact that his arms were still wrapped around Makoto when he woke up that morning. So he hugged himself with his flushed cheeks and just looked to a side. “... I see.”

 

“Did something happened?” The question was finally voiced after a period of silence and Haruka found himself nodding briefly after. There was no point on hiding anything at this point where his heart was only seeking for relief.

 

“Am I boring…?” Hauka seemed a bit disconcerted by the thought, Makoto noticed.

 

“What? No, not at all,” Makoto hurried to explain. “At least not to me, Haru. I find you very interesting.”

 

In silent response, Haruka nodded after taking a deep breath.

 

“Why are you asking me this?” Makoto asked, the questions sounded a bit rude as Makoto played them back in his head, yet he hoped Haruka could read his concern in each and every word he said. “Did… Rin say something?”

 

The gentle breeze that ran through the strands of Haruka’s hair and some pain flashed through his blue eyes by the mention of Rin’s name.  Unconsciously, his head went down in an attempt to hide the quivering of his lip.

 

Oh, it hurt so much.

 

Haruka took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly as his vision began getting blurry once more. “...Yeah”

 

“Haru...”

 

It was unbearable, he wanted to let everything out but his mouth went dry for a second. Haruka couldn’t find any words, his mind was a mess and he couldn’t formulate something that would tell Makoto everything but nothing at the same time.

 

It came out as a whisper.  “I… broke up with him, though.”

 

A long moment of silence stretched once again between them, but this time Makoto’s eyes widened in surprise and suddenly, things started to make sense.

 

“What? Are you…?” Makoto breathed out, holding a quivering hand over his own forehead. “Oh god, Haru.”

 

“We couldn’t fix what we had.” Haruka rubbed his face, trying to remain calm and hide the mess he felt he really was. “Our relationship was already dead and we were just putting off the inevitable.”

 

Makoto was not sure how to feel about the whole situation, his heart was suddenly beating way too hard against his chest and he could do nothing but stare back at his best friend. Those green eyes trembled and his teeth bit tightly into his bottom lip.

 

“I am not sure if he even loved me...” Haruka muttered more to himself than to Makoto.

 

The memories of those previous days ran madly through his head, making it hard to breathe and pretend it didn’t hurt. Makoto could see the pain reflected in Haruka’s orbs, a pain from shared dreams and a broken heart.

 

“Are…?” Makoto trailed off, his eyes traveling over Haruka’s face. “Are you alright?”

 

Haruka breathed in. “Not really.”

 

Makoto didn’t register when he moved from his spot to wrap his arms around Haruka, pressing his lips against his neck. It didn’t take long for Haruka to hug him back, unable to hold his tears any more; a loud sob escaped his throat just then.

 

For a long time, Makoto waited for this moment to happen; he wished for the day where Haruka was no longer chained to Rin thinking that it would bring happiness his way. Yet, Makoto never thought that this would only end up making him feel miserable; feeling breathless as he witnessed Haruka's suffering translated into tears.

 

“I’m so sorry.” Makoto wanted to take the pain away, he wanted Haruka's heart to heal more than anything. “It’ll get better, I promise.”

 

But... how do you heal a broken heart? This question kept bugging Makoto, mainly because in the past five years he couldn't even heal his own.

 

“I don’t know.” Haruka thought he was done crying the night before, but the tears kept flowing down his cheeks and his heart ached more than ever. Letting his feelings out was not helping at all, it was just making his wounds to bleed endlessly in agony. “I thought I was done looking, that… he was the one. My only one.”

 

The wind blew hard around them, messing their bangs around and raising dead leaves from the ground into the air.

 

“…But I was wrong.” Haruka’s forehead was now pressed against Makoto’s shirt, and his legs became weaker to the point that he thought he would fall back if he didn’t held himself to the other’s body.

 

A pause.

 

“Nobody will ever love me…” Haruka breathed.

 

Something inside Makoto broke when those words were spoken, his eyes reflected all of the frustration, the envy towards Rin and a mix of feelings that had been haunting him for too long.

_You are not looking properly, Haru._

_Because I am standing right in front of you._

_I could make you happier than you have ever been._

_Haru…_

 

“I…” Makoto hesitated, leaving those words hanging in the air.

 

_I love you._

_I really love you…_

_I have always loved you, ever since I first saw you._

_It was love…_

_I was born to love you and you only._

 

Haruka raised his head and met with those green eyes that were staring back at him. He looked at Makoto almost expectantly, as if he were waiting for him to finish a sentence he couldn’t end.

 

Makoto had come to terms with leaving his feelings unspoken, as long as he could in order to protect him. There was no need to bring his unrequited love into this, especially now that Haruka was so fragile and vulnerable.

 

Maybe he should just keep doing what he has been doing for the past years and be quiet. After all, there was no guarantee Haruka would ever think of him as more than a friend.

 

What was the point of getting hurt, again, anyway?

 

“You shouldn’t be talking like that, Haru,” Makoto said with a small smile disguising his true colors. He held Haruka's face in his hands and wiped the tears streaking down his cheeks with his thumbs. “There's no way someone like you will be single forever.”

 

As if he was expecting something different, Haruka freed himself and glanced back to the ocean. His heart began pounding loudly against his rib cage. It was confusing and yet concerning; while his heart ached for Rin, suddenly all he wanted was to feel Makoto's gentle hands touching him all over again.

 

It was as if his touches would cause a fire to flare up inside of him, treating him gently when all his heart was looking for was love and comfort. Haruka wondered if Makoto was aware of this and was doing it on purpose.

 

...Of course not. It was Makoto after all, as clueless as ever.

 

Haruka wiped his tears with the back of his hand before speaking again. "You're too nice.”

 

"Huh?!"

 

Haruka cleared his throat, and shook his head. "Nothing..."

 

“No, hold on,” Makoto insisted. “W-what do you mean by that?”

 

A sigh left Haruka, deciding it would be better if he pretended as nothing happened. He was done being weak and crying for something already broken. If there's anything that Haruka was stubborn about, it was not letting others see his vulnerable side. "Do you have mackerel in your fridge?"

 

"What?!" And of course, that sudden change of behavior caught Makoto off guard. "Of course I don't have mackerel in my fridge, I barely have food in there!"

 

"Then it's all set," Haruka announced, leaving all the sadness behind and walking nonchalantly back into the house. "Let's go grocery shopping, I’ll make us some breakfast."

 

"Don't go deciding those things on your own!" Makoto complained going after Haruka.

 

And the moment was gone. Haruka was unreachable; keeping himself behind an invisible barrier, one that not even Makoto could break. At least… not today, he thought.

 

He knew Haruka needed time to work things out in his own mind, to get it right in his head, before they could have any sort of conversations or made any declarations regarding the topic, so he let it go. Besides, Makoto was sure he needed some time as well.

  
Haruka stopped abruptly, halfway through the sliding glass door and looked over his shoulder. Makoto’s eyebrows creased with worry as their eyes met again. “Makoto, there’s... something I want to ask you.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh gosh, the last scene was supposed to be shorter and I was supposed to add the next scene on this chapter... but Haru got too emotional and Makoto just... yeah, oops.
> 
> Check out my Tumblr!  
> ohmynanase.tumblr.com
> 
> Love ya!


	9. Threads

There he was, standing in front of Rin’s apartment with an uncomfortable look on his face. That was the least place Makoto wanted to be, especially right after Rin and Haruka’s breakup, but he couldn’t back up from something he had already agreed on.

 

Haruka had given him the key to his apartment, asking really quietly if Makoto could get clothes and shoes for him to wear until he figured something out. Makoto couldn’t say no to those pleading blue eyes.

 

So there he was, opening that front door and walking in. The place was exactly the same as it was the last time he visited, around three years ago when they moved in together and Makoto offered himself to help with the heaviest stuff.

 

He never thought he would be back, especially because he knew those walls around him were painted with thousands of memories that Rin and Haruka built up together.

 

But Rin and Haruka’s story had come to an end, and that’s why Makoto was there in the first place.

 

He felt so out of place when he walked through the hallway, so unwelcomed by the unfriendly walls around him. Everything was wrapped in silence, making the sound of his footsteps clear as day as he made his way through the living room.

 

It was so awkward being there, but at least Makoto felt slightly better knowing that there was no chance bumping into Rin because Haruka assured his ex-boyfriend would be probably at work around this time.

 

Makoto sighed at the thought.

 

Good. He should just grab some clothes and leave at soon as he could; because he could not afford putting himself in the middle again, not after last time.

 

Yet at some point it was impossible, because no matter what… Makoto knew he would follow Haruka; he would follow him into the abyss if that’s where Haruka wanted to be. If Haruka wanted to walk a path away Rin, Makoto would probably follow him… again.

 

Before Makoto could do anything about it, the bathroom door opened when he walked right by it; Rin came out through a cloud of steam with just a towel wrapped around his waist.

 

Makoto stopped dead in tracks and his wide eyes fell on Rin’s half-naked figure. Rin was keeping himself busy when he stepped out, drying his soaking red hair with a smaller towel, yet it didn’t take him long to sense that something was out of place.

 

Makoto’s heart skipped a beat when Rin finally raised his gaze from the ground and their eyes met.

 

Rin jumped on his feet, scared to find a man standing right in front of him; inside an apartment where, last time he checked, he was supposed to be the only one in it. “OH FUCK!” Rin let out a high pitched scream before throwing the small towel right to the intruder’s face. “WHAT THE FUCK?!”

 

“H-hey…!” It was too late when Makoto tried to dodge the towel, but that was enough to caught Rin’s attention.

 

That voice; a voice he knew so well. “M-Makoto?”

 

It made no sense, no sense at all. Rin hurried, stepped forward and took that towel off from the other’s face, only to reveal Makoto’s confused face. How embarrassing. Whatever Makoto says, Rin did not screamed like a girl ten seconds ago.

 

“W-what the fuck are you doing here?!” Rin hissed. “How the hell did you even get inside MY apartment?!”

 

“A-ah, Rin… I…!” Makoto tried to explain but no words came out of his mouth; there were so many things happening at the same time and he needed to process them at once. First: Rin was home, which meant Haruka had been wrong about Rin’s schedule and now Makoto was stuck in the very unpleasant situation he originally intended to avoid. Second: Fuck! Rin was wearing nothing but a towel. Third: He hasn't seen Rin since their fight not too long ago at his house.

 

Now, talk about awkward.

 

"You nearly gave me a heart attack!" Rin yelled with both hands on his chest.

 

“Um, Rin…?” Makoto looked away, trying to keep his eyes from drifting back to the redhead’s figure. “Could you at least put some clothes on before you continue yelling at me?”

 

Rin stared back at Makoto before he rolled his eyes and shook his head in annoyance. “Are you serious?” he started. “Are you asking me to put some clothes on after you broke into MY house?! Unbelievable.”

 

“Rin!”

 

“You are so goddamned lucky, though! I was THIS close on ditching my towel right before opening the door. You know, because this is MY house and I can walk around naked if I feel like it!” Rin took a step closer and jabbed his finger into Makoto’s chest, but Makoto couldn’t take it any longer.

 

“Oh, for goodness sakes!” he snapped, red as a tomato. “Just do it, please!”

 

“Geez, alright! Alright.” Rin threw his hands in the air as he walked back into his bedroom. “You’re so prude.”

 

Makoto watched the bedroom’s door close after Rin and, as soon as he was by himself again, he let out a loud sigh and rubbed his temples. “I shouldn’t be here.”

  
  
  
  


It didn’t take too long for Rin to come back and meet up with Makoto in the kitchen. Rin tried to be a good host and offer him a cup of tea but Makoto rejected it with a fragile smile while both men tried to keep things from becoming more awkward than they already were.

 

Now they were both sitting silently at the kitchen table waiting for the other to start a conversation that neither of them was ready to have.

 

Part of Rin knew the reason (or had an idea) of Makoto’s sudden visit and he couldn’t help but felt slightly hurt.

 

Haru.

 

There was no other explanation, Makoto wouldn’t come all the way down to Rin’s place to check on him otherwise. He was Haruka’s loyal dog; if something happened to Haruka, Makoto would be there no matter the time or the place, he would just… be there for him. For Haruka.

 

And Haruka would accept **_HIM_** , always.

 

He couldn't keep pretending that he was remotely okay because he wasn’t. He hasn’t been okay since Haruka left tore his world apart. Rin just wanted… he didn't know what he wanted anymore.

 

Makoto was the one to make the first move. He looked up at Rin with guilty eyes and placed a single key on the table, sliding it toward Rin.

 

“I am sorry,” he started. “Haru told me you wouldn’t be home around this time and he wanted me to gather some of his clothes, enough for a couple of weeks while he makes up his mind.”

 

“Make up his mind for what?” Rin asked, his eyes lost in the key on the table; a key that belonged to Haruka.

 

Makoto paused a moment before speaking. “If he is moving back to his grandmother’s old house or renting an apartment near his work.”

 

“Oh…”

 

“Y-yeah.”

 

There was another pause so Rin can think until he spoke again. “Why aren’t you asking him to move in with you?”

 

Yeah, why?

 

Makoto felt uneasy, and couldn’t keep his eyes on Rin any longer. “I don’t know.”

 

Rin stared at him in silence for a moment, long enough for Makoto to feel extremely uncomfortable. Still, Rin refused to take his eyes off him, as if he suspected there was another reason that Makoto wasn’t being upfront with him. One he intended to find out no matter what.. Not too long after, Rin let out a loud sigh and stood up from the table. “Ask him, I am sure he wouldn’t mind.”

 

“Rin…?”

 

“Come, I’ll show you were his drawers are,” Rin said walking out of the kitchen and Makoto couldn’t help but look entirely confused once left alone.

  
  
  
  


They managed to fit almost everything in two big suitcases; Haruka didn’t have that many clothes, after all. Though getting everything together didn’t take them too long, neither of them spoke more than necessary during the packing. There was a detail that didn’t escape Makoto’s attention, and it was how Rin’s eyes were getting glossy while he carefully folded one of Haruka’s favorite shirt.

 

It was past noon when Makoto stood by the door while waiting for a taxi to pick him up. Rin was standing right next to him, his arms crossed over each other while he maintained an indifferent expression on his face. Despite the awkwardness between them, Makoto realized Rin had been kinda… nice to him this whole time. Somehow, it made Makoto feel guilty and he couldn’t help but wonder if Rin was doing okay.

 

He decided to act upon that thought and turn around to face Rin completely. “Hey, I umm…” he started, scratching the back of his neck as soon as Rin’s attention switched back to him. “There's something I've been meaning to tell you…”

 

“Oh gosh,” Rin scoffed. “Don’t tell me you need another suitcase.”

 

“That’s not it,” Makoto assured with a shy smile, his eyes now glued to the floor. “I've been wanting to apologize for that awful outburst the other day. You know, when you went to my house looking for Haru and I… said those awful things to you.”

 

Rin stood still, and it was clear to Makoto that he had not been expecting an apology coming from him. So, with the absence of a response, Makoto decided to continue talking. “You were right, we’re friends and I just…” he paused. “You know how I get when it comes to Haru. He’s my best friend and…”

 

“I know,” Rin interrupted, eyes everywhere but on Makoto. “You two have always been too close; I knew you were just trying to look after him.”

 

Makoto looked back at him, listening carefully.

 

“I was kind of a dick to you and Haru, too. Sorry,” Rin continued after a nervous chuckle but, not too long after, his expression turned serious and his breath became uneven. “But I was worried, you know? Haru left home right after we fought and he was not picking his phone. I began feeling nervous, afraid he would end up… leaving me.”

 

As Rin spoke, the guilt kept building up until it felt like a heavy rock had formed in Makoto’s stomach. He ended up nodding, but looked away while feeling ashamed for his past actions.

 

A small sob escaped Rin’s lips, and soon he was crying. “Guess he ended up leaving me anyway.”

 

Makoto didn't know what to say or how to react to those tears, yet he sensed it wasn’t his time to talk. He left the two suitcases forgotten on the floor and shortened the distance between Rin and him, but he remained still. What was he supposed to do?

 

He felt this sudden urge to wrap his arms around Rin, to hug him tightly, but his arms were not responding. He couldn’t move a muscle and he didn’t know why. As if he wanted to say something, his mouth opened but his words went interrupted by the taxi’s honk, announcing its arrival.

 

Both men looked toward the door and realized it was time for Makoto to leave.

 

“Rin, I…”

 

“The taxi is here,” Rin said, wiping away his tears with the back of his hand.

 

“I know that but…”  Makoto's worried voice flowed through Rin’s ears. “...but you are not okay.”

 

“No shit, Sherlock,” Rin responded, his tone dripping with sarcasm. It seemed like no matter how hard Rin tried to keep his cheeks dry, the tears just kept coming. “I’ll be fine, just go home.”

 

“Rin...”

 

Just the idea of leaving Rin by himself while he suffered made Makoto feel so terrible, like the worst friend someone could ever have. His green eyes shimmering with concern, and for half a minute he didn’t know what to do. It was maybe until the taxi hunk again that Makoto blinked several times and was finally able to step back. “We are friends, right?”

 

“I don’t know,” Rin groaned, his voice rough with tears. “Are we?”

 

“We are,” Makoto insisted. Rin was hurting, and hurting bad. He knew it, he saw it and he tried to think of something. “And… if you need someone to talk to, I’ll stick around.”

 

“That sounds cool and all but, just a friendly reminder, you are Haru’s best friend.” Rin laughed sadly, finding Makoto’s logic quite funny yet heart breaking.

 

“It… doesn’t matter if he is.” He took a deep breath, forcing the words out. “You are an important friend to me as well, someone I you count to stand by you.”

 

Rin looked directly at him, his eyes no longer running away from the other’s warmth. “Makoto...”

 

“I mean it.”

 

The redhead remained quiet for a while, knowing that finding the words to properly explain his feelings was impossible right now. His heart was beating hard against his chest as Makoto stared back at him waiting for a response.

 

There were so many things running inside Rin’s head that day; he felt broken from his breakup with Haruka, that’s for sure, but for the first time in years he finally understood why Haruka always kept Makoto so close to his heart. Man, what would it feel to have someone like Makoto always looking after you?

 

Right now, Haruka had his best friend while Rin was dealing with a broken heart all by himself. Rin then realized Haruka was a lucky guy; maybe... he had always been.

 

“...Thanks,” Rin whispered.

  
  
  
  
  


As Makoto stepped into the taxi, he couldn’t help but wonder if Rin was going to be okay by himself. He remembered how he couldn’t hug Rin back then or how he couldn’t find the right words to comfort his friend – and now Makoto started feeling remorse for all of it.

 

"Where to?" the taxi driver asked and Makoto snapped out of his train of thought, looking up and meeting the driver’s eyes reflected in the rear-view mirror. Makoto gave him an apologetic smile and revealed his home address to the driver.

 

He leaned back in his seat and took his phone out of his pocket. After unlocking his phone, he opened up a text message and started typing.

 

_‘Hello, Sousuke. It’s me, Makoto. I hope this is still your number, because it's the only one I can remember. Anyway, sorry to bother you all of a sudden, but… there’s something I want to ask you. Would you give Rin a call? He’s not doing too well, and he needs somebody that understands him to talk to. I am really worried... Thank you, I would really appreciate it!’_

  
Fifteen minutes later, Makoto’s cellphone vibrated announcing a new text message. _‘Okay, thanks.’_ A simple and short reply from Sousuke. Makoto smiled, finally able to breathe normally again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes i doesn't matter how bad you want to help or cheer someone up... maybe you are just not the right person to do it... and that's a terrible feeling as well. That's how Makoto felt on this chapter.  
> I feel terrible for Rin ;3;... but I am glad they finally were able to somehow fix their issues from previous chapters. Makoto and Rin really appreciate each other's friendship and neither of them wants to deal with the drama of losing a friend, anyway.
> 
> Well let's see what happens... and also, let's see how Haru is doing on next chapter. Shall we? :D <3
> 
> In other news: So today at work I injured my shoulder and now I understand Sousuke's pain (?) :'(
> 
> Check out my Tumblr!  
> ohmynanase.tumblr.com
> 
> Love ya!


	10. Cherish

Understanding does not mean it hurts less. It does not call upon the sun when dark clouds have loomed over the earth. If we have loved much, we must have been given much also, and when everything's over, we feel as though we have lost everything.

 

That’s how Haruka felt; unable to move, unable to breathe. Trapped in his own misery. His insides felt like they were crumbling like a towering JENGA game and he was loosing. He decided to surround himself with water, take a long bath and submerge himself in Makoto’s tub.

 

He needed time alone, time for himself to think and accept the fact that he was no longer under Rin’s wing. Rin was no longer part of Haruka’s life; they no longer walked next to each other, they had parted ways and Haruka knew he did the right thing but…

 

But what if it ended up being another mistake? What if he ended up regretting it later?

 

What if Rin was really his soulmate and he just…?

 

Haruka felt out of breath. He surfaced from the water, he shook his head in an attempt to keep those thoughts away. “Just…” he coughed, wiping his chin with the back of his hand. “Just don’t think about it.”

 

He tried to convince himself not to think about it, but the harder he tried to focus, the less he controlled his thoughts and actions. His eyes were closed tightly when Makoto slided the bathroom door open and walked into him for the second day in a row.

 

“Oh.” Makoto blinked, flashing a confused but gentle smile to the man inside the tub. “Good morning, Haru. I thought you went out for a run.”

 

Their eyes finally met when Haruka turned his way and took a second to breathe before speaking. He noticed the towel under Makoto’s arm thinking that maybe the other one was aiming for a bath before leaving for work, but Haruka couldn’t pull himself from the water where he felt safe.

 

He ended up bit his lower lip and looking away, pretending he did not notice that small detail before speaking. “I don’t feel like running.” he admitted in a whisper, submerging his chin underwater.

 

“That’s a shame.” Makoto said in a quiet voice. “I thought that by living close to the beach would make you some good.”

 

Apparently, Makoto gave up with the idea of taking a bath that morning because he walked further into the room and placed the towel right next to the tub for Haruka to use. There was a silence, Haru looked away stubbornly, but Makoto was able to notice that he still quite depressed.

 

Makoto felt guilty because he didn’t know what to do, he was running out of ideas or things to say to cheer Haruka up. So he sighed and scratched the back of his neck before speaking again.

 

“Are you working today?” Makoto asked timidly, wondering if Haruka was getting annoyed by his presence. What if Haruka wanted some alone time?

 

But before that thought could go any further, Haruka shook his head and responded, “I took a month off.”

 

“A month off?!” Makoto felt impressed by how he responded to that. “Woah, your boss seems really understanding, compared to mine.”

 

“I told him my grandmother passed away.”

 

“Ha?!” Makoto reacted.

 

“He said I could take as many days as I needed, so I am took a month off.”

 

Mouth falling open in shock, Makoto snapped, “Haru! Your grandmother passed away almost ten years ago!”

 

“Well, I am still grieving.” Haruka closed his eyes with a stoic expression and crossed his arms on his chest.

 

“Oh, Haru…” Makoto slapped a hand over his eyes.

 

Yet, despite the situation, Makoto couldn’t help but enjoy the feeling of familiarity that surrounded them that morning. It felt just like when they were in high school, when it was only the two of them, always relaying in each other.

 

“Maybe we should get something for your boss once you go back to work to show appreciation,” Makoto suggested, trying not to smile at his friend’s behavior.

 

“He doesn’t need anything, it’s his job,” Haruka responded while Makoto pulled up his sleeve to look at his wrist watch.

 

“O-of course,” Makoto continued as he let out a long sigh, resting his hands on his hips. “I’ll be in my room getting ready, my ride should be here in less than half an hour.”

 

“Your ride?” Haruka asked with curiosity, hands on the tub's edge.

 

Makoto was already on his way out of the bathroom when he paused and then looked over his shoulder with a smile. “Kisumi.” And within a fraction of a second, Haruka stared at the other with his most annoyed look, entirely unable to hide his disagreement with Makoto’s choice of friends.

 

No reply was given, besides a disapproving look and Haruka submerged his head back underwater and closed his eyes. Makoto stood there for several seconds in confusion, yet he left the bathroom knowing that he needed to get ready for work. In Makoto’s head, Haruka was just being Haruka after all.

  
  
  
  


Right at eight thirty, Kisumi pulled up in front of Makoto’s house. After announcing his arrival through a text, Makoto stepped out of his house, and made his way towards the car. He had that smile of his, that kind of smile he always carried around on his lips.

 

Makoto walked around to the passenger seat and swung the door open. “Good morning, Kisumi,” he greeted while hopping into the car, fastening his seatbelt right away. “Thank you for picking me up again.”

 

“There’s no need to thank me.” Kisumi insisted, glad to see Makoto back on his feet again. “The station wasn’t the same without you yesterday, glad to have you back.”

 

“Oh, about that…”

 

Just before Kisumi was about to drive off, he took a final look at Makoto’s house and froze when he spotted a figure standing by the front window. The color drained from his already pale face. He swallowed hard, unable to repress the alarm rising inside of him.

 

Makoto was still going on  about something Kisumi didn’t immediately register, but he stopped chatting immediately when the other placed a hand on top of knee.

 

“Kisumi?”

 

“I don’t really wanna scare you or anything, but I think your house is haunted,” Kisumi declared, much to Makoto’s astonishment.

 

"H-haunted!?” Makoto exclaimed, sounding scandalized, as he desperately hugged Kisumi’s right arm with both of his own. “Don’t joke like that! I live there by myself, you know!”

 

“Maybe it’s time for you to move in with me, then.” His teasing tone was quick to come back.

 

“Kisumi!!”

 

“Well, there’s someone standing by that window. See?” Kisumi pointed his finger out toward the same window where the figure was clearly staring down at them.

 

Makoto took a deep breath, trying to be brave, and finally looked at the window Kisumi was pointing to.

 

“Oh…” Makoto smiled in relief. “That’s Haru.”

 

“Haru?!” Kisumi exclaimed with amazement and disbelief, quickly flashing a wide smile while pulling his window down.

 

“Hey, Haru! It’s been a while!” Kisumi greeted, waving at Haruka from the inside of the car. “How are you?!”

 

Haruka stared at him the whole time wearing a distant expression on his face, but seconds after, he rolled his eyes and walked away from the window until he was nowhere to be seen.

 

Nothing, not even that rude gesture, was enough to wipe the smile off Kisumi’s face once he turned around and faced Makoto. “He hasn’t changed one bit.”

 

Makoto scratched his cheek nervously and laughed. “I-I feel that I need to apologize for his behavior…”

 

“What are you talking about?” Kisumi asked softly.

 

Makoto blinked two times, then sighed in disbelief. “Never mind.”

 

Kisumi let out a long, needed laugh and started driving again.

  
  
  
  


Haruka had been standing in front of the oven for too long now; it was already past noon and he was starving. He knew he needed to eat something, prepare some lunch, but he didn't want to eat at the same time. His mind was all over the place and an unexpected feeling was taking over on his heart.

 

Why was Makoto hanging out with Kisumi? But then again, why was Haruka worried about it? His lips curled and Haruka took several shallow breaths. Even though he was quite aware that he was Makoto’s best friend, he couldn’t help but feel slightly affected by Kisumi getting in the picture. Their picture.

 

He was used to being Makoto’s favorite, the friend he relied on the most, but things change and they had walked down different paths for the past few years. Haruka had been walking right next to Rin for five years, while Makoto wondered out there by himself.

 

Haruka placed his hands on the counter and hung his head, squeezing his eyes shut. What if Makoto had gotten closer to Kisumi during the last few years while they had been apart? The single thought that had crossed his mind before now made his stomach churn a little, yet it was a possibility after all.

 

Now that he thought about it, how did Haruka expect to still be Makoto’s best friend when he had neglected him for five years? Right then, Haruka remembered the days back when they were still in middle school. Kisumi wrapping an arm around Makoto's back, pushing him towards the gym and then turning his face toward Haruka, sticking his tongue out at him in victory.

 

He finally understood the feeling inside his heart. He was jealous of Kisumi, maybe he had always been. Kisumi had always known how to get what he wanted, forcing his way through and taking what Haruka had once.

 

“Of course…” he whispered with a pained expression. He felt left behind, and it was a terrible thing to suffer from because, what he needed the most right then was to feel… needed.

 

Mittens walked up from behind Haruka and stood next to him. Haruka noticed him out of the corner of his eye and glanced over at the cat. He picked the cat up gently, scratching the back of its ear while remaining silent. It was funny, though. Haruka didn’t feel the need to talk to the cat because he knew Mittens could read the mood around him just like Makoto. Mittens probably knew that Haruka was feeling down and maybe that’s why he decided to show up.

 

After kissing the cat’s forehead, Haruka decided to leave the kitchen and go back to sleep for another hour or so. Sleeping sounded so good right then, especially now that he was alone with his thoughts. They were extremely unpleasant thoughts, and he was not going to go through them by himself.

  
  
  
  
  


“How long have you been in the bath this time?" Makoto asked with his arms crossed over his chest. Blue eyes stared blankly at Makoto; Haruka mumbled a reply, but his lips were still underwater and his words came out as bubbles rushing up to the surface.

 

As a sigh left his slightly parted lips, Makoto walked further into the bathroom and stood right next to the tub. “That’s still quite a long time, as far as I am concerned,” Makoto said, offering his hand to the other. “C’mon, let’s get you dry. I don’t want you to catch a cold.”

 

Haruka hesitated, but ended up taking the hand in front of him anyway. Makoto pulled Haruka out of the water and took a chance to take a closer into those deep blue eyes of his. Makoto’s expression shifted, he could tell by just looking at Haruka’s face that things were still not okay.

 

But how could he cheer Haruka up? He was pretty sure it was still that broken heart of his, or maybe something else mashed up together...it didn't matter. What mattered was finding a way to get Haruka out of that state, at least for a while, and help him heal.

 

An idea suddenly clicked as he wrapped a towel around the other’s shoulders and he smiled in excitement.

 

Haruka arched an eyebrow at him. “What’s wrong with you?”

 

“Nothing,” Makoto replied, eyes brighter than before. “Just get dry and meet me in the living room, there’s something I wanna show you.”

 

Right after, Makoto left the bathroom humming a song under his breath on his way out. None of it made sense and it just left Haruka feeling confused, but he ended up doing as he was told and put some clothes on after.

 

Five minutes later, when Haruka walked into the living room, he stopped right under the door frame as his eyes went wide. Right on the TV screen he saw images he hadn’t seen in awhile. On the floor, right in front of the TV, there was a very old game console running the video game he and Makoto used to play back when they both were in high school.

 

Makoto was sitting on the couch with one controller in hand and another sitting on the cushion next to him. He was humming the video game's intro song while having a huge nostalgia trip.

 

Haruka was so absorbed by the game playing on the TV, that he almost didn't notice how Makoto’s eyes were on him now.

 

“This game brings back memories of a simpler life, doesn’t it?” Makoto asked softly and Haruka reacted to his voice, their eyes meeting again.

 

“I can't believe the console still works after all these years,” Haruka finally spoke, walking into the room while looking back to the TV screen. “It’s been a while…”

 

Back then, Haruka used to go to Makoto's house and play games quite often. Sometimes he ended up staying overnight, sometimes he stayed just for a short while; playing video games ended up being part of their relationship and something they enjoyed doing together aside from swimming.

 

Haruka couldn’t explain how a simple memory from long ago could make him feel so many things at once.

 

“Hey, Haru-chan…” Makoto smiled as he patted the seat to him. “Let’s race.”

 

Without a second thought, Haruka sat next to Makoto and grabbed the second controller and pressed START. They played for hours, re-adjusting to the controllers, remembering moves and tricks from their characters and enjoying every level they went through.

 

It felt as if they were back in high school, as if none of them had bills to pay or worries from the adult life. For a second, life felt easy once more and Haruka allowed himself to relax and enjoy a good time with Makoto.

 

Makoto, on the other hand, was focused completely on the screen while trying his best to keep first place in the final lap. He loved Haruka, he wanted to kiss him and to make him smile once more but… no amount of love could stop Makoto from feeling the need to destroy Haruka at the racing game no matter what.

  
  
  
  
  


 

After several rounds, and Haruka’s several victories, they both decided to hit PAUSE and order some pizza to enjoy for the night. The pizza box was laying on the floor, open, with only half of the pizza remaining untouched.

 

Makoto was sitting on the sofa while Haruka laid his head on the other’s lap. They were both talking nonsense, remembering this from high school that made them laugh and question their choices from when they were young.

 

At some point they both went silent, probably because it was already getting late and they were both exhausted. Unconsciously, Makoto started to gently brush Haruka’s bangs away from his forehead as he smiled. He studied Haruka’s face, the other looked tired and there were dark circles around his eyes. Makoto worried for both his friend’s physical and emotional health, bit his lower lip while lots of thoughts crossed his mind.

 

Haruka’s eyes had glazed over, looking completely lost in some other place, as he continued resting his head in  Makoto’s lap while time went by.

 

“Haru,” Makoto called, and Haruka looked up at him. “Stay with me.”

 

Haru blinked slowly, in acknowledgement. “I am with you.”

 

“That’s not… exactly what I meant,” Makoto continued, always having a harder time with finding the right words in moments like this. Haruka stared at him with a puzzled expression on his face, yet he did not say anything, choosing to wait for Makoto to speak again. “I… want you to live with me, in this house.”

 

Haruka's eyes lit up at the sudden invitation, frozen in place.

 

“I have been thinking about it a lot recently. This place is too big for myself, I am paying rent for it but half of the time I am at work. I wouldn’t mind living with you, you… still are my best friend.” Before Haruka could say something, Makoto continued, “T-that’s only if you want, of course!”

 

Haruka looked away, his cheeks reddening slightly. “You only have one bedroom, Makoto.”

 

“We can buy a bunk bed or a sofa bed for the living room, I don’t care.”

 

“Makoto...”

 

“Don’t you remember how much we used to talk about living together when we were kids?” Makoto whispered quietly. “I still... would love that to happen. You are… Haru after all.”

 

Haruka stared at the wall, as if looking at it long enough would help him find the answers he was looking for.. His heart was beating out of his chest, making him wonder if Makoto could hear his heartbeat as well. Licking his chapped lips, Haruka sat back on the sofa while remaining deep in his thoughts.

 

_Living with Makoto._

_Wouldn’t it be nice…?_

Haruka felt needed after that request, he felt wanted and he couldn’t stop the small smile now crossing his lips. He took a deep breath and, without exchanging glances with his best friend, spoke again. “Okay…”

 

Makoto's eyes blinked at him in surprise and the corners of his mouth curled up into a precious smile. “Haru!”

  
“Let’s live together, Makoto…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last scene based on this post: http://ohmynanase.tumblr.com/post/131453628640
> 
> Yay! I manage to finish this before going to work! Nice~! I hope you guys like it :D
> 
> I am looking for a second beta reader, if somebody is interested I would really appreciate the help :,) THANKS!!
> 
> Check out my Tumblr!  
> ohmynanase.tumblr.com
> 
> Love ya!


	11. Scarf

“Welcome home," Makoto greeted warmly. He was standing by the door with Mittens in his arms, smiling sweetly back at his best friend.

 

Haruka stood still, staring. There was a pleasant, yet odd sensation filling up his chest that he failed to recognize. But in that moment, Haruka's heart felt so light and warm while his lips struggled to hide back a smile from the happiness of being greeted back so whole-heartedly. All things he didn’t realize he had missed, or that he had been looking for. He had taken it for granted.

 

Home. It was such a simple, yet powerful word; a word that meant the world for Haruka.

 

It had already been two months since Makoto and Haruka had started living together, two months since his breakup with Rin and Haruka was just barely starting to feel like himself again.

 

Moving in had been a risky decision that could end up changing his relationship with Makoto, making it worse or making it better. But judging by the warm sensation surrounding his heart that night, Haruka couldn’t help but feel grateful for his own decision.

 

This was all Haruka had ever wanted in life; a place where he felt welcomed and safe; a place where he belonged.

 

“I’m home,” he responded softly.

 

“How was work?” Makoto asked, moving to the side as Haruka closed the door behind him and walked in, taking off his shoes in the process.

 

“Quite exhausting,” Haruka ranted, taking off his coat. “My recipe got rejected, again.”

 

“The mackerel soufflé, wasn’t it?” Makoto followed Haruka into their living room, initiating the next step of their new routine as they both sat down on the couch before dinner.

 

Haruka nodded in response. “It doesn’t matter how much I try or what I change about it, I can’t get anywhere if my boss underestimates the mackerel’s potential.”

 

Mittens managed to free himself from Makoto’s grip, walking on his owner’s legs until he reached Haruka and sniffed his face. Haruka smiled, petting Mittens in response.

 

Makoto felt his heart swell at the sight of Haru's smile. Even after all these years, Haruka still hadn’t changed. Silent, caring and kind. Passionate about mackerel, still in love with water.

 

It had been so long since the last time they’ve spent this much time together. Makoto hated to admit that he had been afraid at first, afraid of not knowing Haruka anymore and finding himself living with a complete stranger. But now he couldn’t help but feel relieved.

 

“Well, it's an aquired taste, I guess,” Makoto reassured, both of his eyebrows arching up as he flashed an encouraging smile. “You just have to keep trying, maybe some day soon he will appreciate your soufflé and you will start selling it on a daily basis.”

 

“Maybe…” Haruka whispered, gently running his hand down the cat's back, playing with the thought in his mind and contemplating every possibility. His blue eyes landed on a book laying on top of the ground, right next to his left foot. He blinked in confusion and picked it up; all his movement caused Mittens to give up and run away back to the kitchen. “Hey, isn’t this book due today?”

 

It took Makoto a moment to react, but soon his eyes went wide and the brunette stood up right away. “Oh, no!” he didn’t hesitate to run out of the living room and to the entrance as panic became evident on his face. “This is bad! I can’t afford being late again!”

 

Haruka just sighed, stood up and walked behind him nonchalantly. “You should hurry, the library closes in ten minutes.”

 

“Don’t you think I know that?!” Putting his coat on, and a scarf Haruka had never seen before, Makoto hurried and started looking for his keys.

 

There was something about that scarf that caught Haruka’s attention, something he couldn’t figure out yet. It was a white and silver scarf, big enough to cover Makoto’s neck completely. “Nice scarf.” He complimented, even though he secretly he felt it was too flashy for Makoto and just didn’t fit into his usual style.

 

Makoto stopped, keys in one hand and book in the other, and looked over his shoulder. "This?” he asked, looking down at the scarf and then back to Haruka. His cheeks now had a tint of red on them. “Thank you! It was an early birthday present from Kisumi.”

 

Forget that! The scarf was horrible. It was the most horrible scarf ever to exist! Haruka tried too hard not to frown in reaction, but he simply couldn’t hide his disgust after Kisumi was brought into the conversation. What was Kisumi thinking? It was not even Makoto’s birthday yet!

 

“Oh,” Haruka said, unable to take his eyes away from that stupid scarf. Makoto failed to notice his friend’s sudden mood change and was still blushing as he opened the front door.

 

“Well, I’ll be right back,” Makoto announced, stepping out of the house. “See you later!”

 

The door closed right behind Makoto, leaving Haruka alone with the jealousy building up within him.

  
  


From that day on, Makoto wore his new scarf everyday and everywhere he went. It didn’t matter how hard Haruka was trying to suppress it, his jealousy only became all the more overwhelming and unbearable.

 

They could be out for dinner, at the supermarket, or even around the house… that scarf never left Makoto’s neck. He loved that scarf, maybe too much, and Haruka hated how he couldn’t stop smiling every time it was around his neck.

 

Haruka couldn’t stop glaring at that scarf, unable to stand the sight of it for more than two seconds. And his agitation only grew worse when someone would stop Makoto just to compliment the scarf adorning his neck.

 

For Haruka, that scarf meant being replaced. It meant that Kisumi was one step ahead of him like he always was and that his ‘best friend’ status was about to be stolen. Perhaps Kisumi was Makoto’s best friend already. Who knew.

 

It was stupid to feel this affected by just a piece of yarn. Haruka knew it, but it wasn’t something he could stop himself from feeling. The only comfort he could hold onto was the fact that Makoto had called him his best friend recently and that made him feel slightly better but...he just knew that he wouldn’t find any peace until Makoto stopped wearing that scarf.

 

One day, Haruka found the scarf forgotten on the kitchen table and that’s where the first ‘accident’ happened. That evening, right before leaving, Makoto found a stain on his scarf; a stain that seemed to be from some sort of tea.

 

He ran to the laundry room, where Haruka was working on a current load of clothes. They exchanged glances for half a second and, just before Makoto could open his mouth, Haruka’s eyes landed on the scarf the other held in his hands and his blue eyes only went wider.

 

“Oh…” Haruka’s lips trembled. “I…”

 

Shoot. He wasn’t ready to lie to Makoto; he wasn’t ready to pretend he did not know where that stain came from. But also, he wasn’t prepared to admit out loud how unreasonably jealous he felt towards a scarf. It was not like him, he was not that kind of person. He respected what was not his and would never mess with something that was not his, especially with one of Makoto’s belongings.

 

“H-Haru, can you wash this for me?”

 

Haruka was left speechless by Makoto’s unexpected pleading. Not looking for answers, not looking for someone to blame. Makoto just wanted to get his scarf cleaned and hopefully get the stain removed.

 

“Y-yeah, sure.”

 

Haruka wondered if Makoto suspected of him, if he put two and two together and realized there wasn’t anybody else to blame than Haruka himself at that house. But knowing Makoto’s kind heart, he would probably think everything happened by mere accident. How innocent, how pure. Makoto would never dare to think wrongly of his best friend, surely convinced that there was no way Haruka would ever damage something of his own on purpose. The single thought made Haruka feel nauseated.

 

No more words were exchanged; Haruka took the scarf and threw it inside the washer. Makoto nodded more to himself than to Haruka and, with a hesitant look on his face, walked out from the laundry leaving Haruka with his thoughts alone.

 

He closed the washer’s lid after dumping a ton of detergent inside and sighed. Biting his lower lip, Haruka pressed his back against the now running washer and crossed his arms over his chest, thinking.

 

There were so many things going through his head, but the one that alarmed him the most was hoping for the stain to still be there when the cycle had ended.

 

And that’s exactly what ended up happening; the stain was still visible by the time the scarf came out of the washer and back onto Makoto’s neck. The brunette would still wear it despite the stain, as if he did not mind at all. Maybe that’s exactly what frustrated Haruka the most.

 

“I have a scarf you could use instead…” He had even offered one night, while they both walked back home from the groceries store.

 

“This one is fine,” Makoto said. Instantly, he placed his hand on his scarf, fingers brushing lightly over its soft yarn as he smiled back at Haruka. “It holds a special meaning, after all.”

 

Haruka's eyes reflected coldness, void of anything they ever held. He couldn’t stand the sight of that smile flashing his way if it was associated with Kisumi in any way.

 

He shrugged in response and their conversation died right after. A special meaning, huh? He was jumping to all sort of conclusions of what could be hidden behind such a simple phrase that probably meant nothing at all. Yet, as soon as a single idea crossed Haruka’s mind, he froze.

 

What if Kisumi was Makoto’s love interest…?

 

It was an idea that was so foreign to him. For the first time, Haruka actually caught himself considering that aspect of Makoto’s life. Now that he thought about it properly, he realized that Makoto had never had a partner before. Boy or girl, it didn’t matter… because none of them had existed before.

 

“Haru…?”

 

Haruka had been so caught up in this thoughts that he hadn’t realized he had stopped walking some time ago.

 

Makoto, who was a few steps ahead, stared back at him with puzzlement blurring his green orbs. Suddenly, Haruka wondered just how someone like Makoto had managed to stay single for so long.

 

“Are you alright? You seem… somewhat preoccupied.”

 

“I’m fine,” Haruka replied, hands now stuffed deep inside his jeans pockets as he started walking once more. “Let’s get home already, I need a bath.”

 

A bath to escape the overwhelming thoughts flitting about in his mind, robbing him of the peace he’d just gotten back.

 

“Oh. Didn’t you take one this morning?”

 

Haruka didn’t say a word now that they walked side by side toward the train station.

 

“At least take a short one this time, you are going to catch a cold.” Makoto sighed, shaking his head and knowing that the bath was going to be occupied for at least an hour regardless.

 

Oh, Haruka knew this whole mess inside his mind was just a bunch of stupid, nonsense But he couldn’t understand why the idea of losing his best friend to a relationship was starting to break his heart little by little. Heck, just thinking about Makoto STARTING a relationship right after Haruka had gotten out of his own was enough to give him a headache. Haruka was so done with relationships.

  
  
  
  


A couple days went past, but Haruka woke up one morning to clattering in the kitchen and with cold hands. It was a Thursday, his day off, and the coldest day of November so far.

 

He left the bedroom and walked down the long hallway until he reached the living room. He spotted an empty futon with a pillow and a quilt laying on the floor next to it. _Just how early did Makoto leave that morning to work?_ Haruka wondered.

 

He picked up the pillows from the floor and folded the quilt, setting them all back onto the futon before another noise coming from the kitchen caught his attention.

 

When Haruka reached the kitchen, he was not expecting to find Mittens with Makoto’s scarf, digging his claws into the yarn and slashing it apart as fierce determination flashed in his feline eyes.

 

“Mittens!” Haruka didn’t think about it and just ran fast towards the cat. Mittens reacted quickly; he got back on his paws, meowed in distress and lowered his ears.

 

Haruka snatched the scarf away from the cat’s claws and held it up in the air. His eyes scanned over the damage, taking in how each of the yarn strands were separated, millimeter by millimeter. It was a disaster.

 

The white scarf was now torn, ripped, and still stained. It took him a second to connect the dots and to understand just what happened seconds ago. Wasn’t this what he wanted all along? For Haruka, the more he stared at the scarf, the more he felt that this must have been some act of fate.

 

Mittens called for his attention by standing up on his back paws and stretching his white body along Haruka’s leg, meowing and whining in hopes of getting his new toy back.

 

Haruka, on the other hand, couldn’t take his eyes away from the torn scarf thinking how perfect this whole situation turned out to be. There was no way Makoto could still use the scarf now that it reached Mitten’s destructive paws.

 

For half a second, Haruka allowed himself to smile. He let the scarf go and Mittens caught it in the air, running out of the kitchen before Haruka could even flinch.

 

No more scarf, no more ‘special meaning’, no more… anxiety over losing his best friend to a relationship. Gosh, Haruka couldn’t help but feel slightly better.

 

However, that feeling didn’t last long. It left the moment  Makoto’s voice called to him from the door frame.

 

“Haru…”

 

In that moment, Haruka swore he felt his heart stop. He licked his trembling lips, then looked over his shoulder.

 

Makoto was standing right behind him, still in his uniform and holding a heavy, plastic bag in his left hand. Why was he home so early? Was Makoto on a break or something? Yet, Haruka had no time to process anything because the expression on Makoto’s face made his blood turn cold.

 

No no no no.

 

“So… I guess the stain on the scarf wasn’t an accident either?”

 

Maybe it was because Makoto didn’t seem to be angry or disappointed, but just like that, Haruka felt his chest tighten. There was no need for an explanation, Haruka was sure that Makoto could read it clearly all over his face.

 

“I…”

 

Makoto placed the bag onto the table, cutting him off. The eye contact was almost impossible to keep and the tension built a brand new wall between them. “Mackerel was on sale at the farmer’s market across the station, thought you might appreciate having more stored on the freezer.”

 

Haruka took a step forward and the floor cracked under his foot. “Makoto...”   
  
There was no way to deny it, no way to pretend this had just been a misunderstanding, no way to fool the person that knew Haruka better than anyone else. Haruka knew he had just fucked up badly.

 

“I don’t really wanna talk about this now, Haru.” After interrupting his best friend for the second time, Makoto forced a smile on his trembling lips. “Sorry.”

 

Makoto was not sure what to do with this feeling of betrayal welling up inside his chest. After all, this was not a feeling he was familiar with. So, before Haruka could do or say anything, Makoto decided it was best to leave. “I’ll see you after work.”

 

And just like that, Makoto was gone.

 

 _What have I done…?_ Haruka thought.

 

He stood in shock, only the sound of his shallow breathing breaking the silence left after Makoto’s departure. Haruka could feel a ball of guilt building up inside himself and he couldn't handle the thought of Makoto hating him.

  
And now what…?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter started all sweet and then MFDSLKKLSjkdsjfk Haruka felt jelous and... yeah...
> 
> Okay, I just explored a side of Haruka I didn't know he had (?) Jealous, tsundere/yandere(?) Haruka! Hahaha, ignore me, I had tons of apple pie tonight!
> 
> HAPPY THANKSGIVING!! I wanna thank you all for your support on this story! Please leave comments if you would be so kind, I would love to know what you think! 
> 
> Check out my Tumblr!  
> ohmynanase.tumblr.com
> 
> Love ya!


	12. Mackerel

Haruka was laying on bed, staring at the ceiling while the memories of earlier that day kept repeating themselves over and over inside his head. He felt anxious and so ashamed. Not in a hundred years did Haruka ever imagine he would end up hurting his best friend in the way he did.

 

All of this happened because he was jealous over a damn scarf. A scarf of all things! How childish…! How pathetic.

 

Closing his eyes tightly, Haruka hid his face behind his cold hands as he wished he could just go back in time and prevent this whole thing from happening. The memory of Makoto’s forced smile kept hunting him down; those green eyes that couldn’t hide how hurt he felt over the realization of Haruka’s true intentions.

 

They trusted each other so much for so long, but now Makoto felt entirely exposed and completely betrayed.

 

His eyes snapped open and he sat up. Haruka couldn't stand the idea of Makoto feeling hurt because of him, not after all those honest smiles Makoto had flashed his way since they were kids. Haruka had never felt this guilty before…

 

Haruka couldn’t let things stay this way. Even if he didn’t know how, Haruka knew he needed to fix this and he needed to do it now.

  
  
  
  


Kisumi found Makoto sitting in the break room that afternoon, a smile curling at the corner of his lips when a flash of excitement lit up his eyes from seeing his friend. Calmly, he sat across from him and cleared his throat.

 

“Why are you still here?” Kisumi asked, leaning his elbow on the table and resting his chin in the heel of his hand. “I thought you were going to take Haru out for lunch or something.”

 

Makoto still had his head down when Kisumi spoke. He took a deep breath in, and his chest visibly expanded under his uniform. It took him nearly five seconds to mask the sadness threatening to overtake his features before he looked back up at Kisumi and forced a smile out.

 

“Maybe another day,” he simply replied, yet that answer was enough for Kisumi to realize something wasn’t right.

 

“Makoto, is everything okay?”

 

That question was enough to make Makoto feel weak again. He found that he couldn't hold his gaze up any longer before he looked at down at the table again. “Not really…” he admitted to his friend, softly.  “I… am upset.”

 

Kisumi stood up right away, walked all around the table, and took a seat right next to the other. His warm hand landed gently on Makoto’s shoulder. “Did you two get into a fight?”

 

“Yes… I mean, no,” Makoto started, a confused expression taking over his face. “Ungh, I don’t even know exactly what happened…!”

 

“H-hey, hey. It’s alright,” Kisumi tried. “Do you really think your friendship with Haru is so shallow that whatever happened between you two would be big enough to break it?”

 

“That’s not quite… it,” Makoto said in a quiet voice. “We had some sort of disagreement and I just don’t know how to face him now…”

 

Somehow, it felt like Makoto was using some type of coding in order to talk about Haruka with Kisumi. But Kisumi expected that much, knowing that there was no way Makoto would actually reveal what really happened between them. It did not matter how hurt his heart felt or how immature Haruka’s actions seemed to be, Makoto would never dare to speak ill of his most important person. If anything, he would protect Haruka’s reputation behind a smile. That’s how pure his love for the other was; his loyalty for Haruka never wavered.

 

“I see,” Kisumi said rubbing a  thumb against his chin in thought, attempting to break down the problem with what little information that had been presented to him. “Well, just let the wound heal and problem solved.”

 

“T-that’s not as easy as you make it sound, Kisumi.” Makoto let out a sigh in defeat.

 

“Oh c’mon, I am trying to work with what I’ve got here.”  Kisumi frowned, leaning his head against Makoto's shoulder. “Besides, I like to think… I know when two people are meant to be together. And there’s just something special about the way you two look at each other.”

 

Makoto spent the next five seconds going over what Kisumi just said, trying really hard not to get his hopes up. It would be so easy to just give in to those reassuring words.“Well, we have always been best friends and…”

 

“Clearly you haven't seen the way he looks at you,” Kisumi interrupted.

 

“...Like a friend.”

 

“Like if you were water.”

 

Makoto stared at Kisumi as if he had gone mad or something, and shook his head in response. “That’s unreal, impossible,” Makoto said, using his long fingers to brush his bangs back and out of his eyes. “Don’t forget the fact that Haru and Rin happened.”

 

“I am not saying they didn’t happen. I am just stating that I always thought you two would end up happening first,” Kisumi said and Makoto was not able to ignore the fluttering in his chest.

 

“Kisumi…” Those words caused an inevitable effect in Makoto, a sudden and extreme wave of warmth and hope, a burning pleasure in the pit of my stomach. For a second, Makoto forgot how upset Haruka had made him feel that morning and remembered how badly he had been wishing for Haruka to notice him as more than a friend.

 

And maybe, just maybe; if Makoto waited long enough, he’d get his wish and Haruka would finally love him back.

 

Kisumi, then, noticed the effect of his words in Makoto and decided it was time to stop. Last thing he wanted was to get his friend’s hopes unnecessarily up, even though he was just speaking with the truth.

 

“So!” Kisumi patted Makoto’s shoulder as he talked. “You better fix things up with Haru tonight because tomorrow is your birthday!”

 

Makoto let out a breath in realization. That’s right, his birthday was the very next day. Damn. Somehow that fact made him feel entirely uneasy all of a sudden. Would he be able to fix this situation with Haruka before tomorrow arrived…?

  
  
  
  


Firm steps echoed through the corridor of a place he had never visited before. Haruka held a neatly wrapped lunch box with his left hand as he walked down the corridor with a visitor badge on. He wore a serious expression on but his hands were trembling terribly.

 

What was he doing at the firestation just now? He wasn't supposed to be near Makoto, not now when the wound was still fresh. Yet every second that passed made Haruka’s guilt sink deeper. Haruka couldn’t stand another hour feeling like this but heck, he was terrified.

 

What if Makoto did not want to see him? What if Makoto was still mad at him for what he did to his scarf?

 

Haruka stopped walking. Oh course Makoto was still mad at him! It all just happened this morning. Makoto had been clear when he said he did not want to talk about it now. Then… what was he doing here?

 

“Oh, don’t give me that! Of course we gotta celebrate your birthday, Makoto!” He heard a voice say from the other side of the wall, loud enough for Haruka to hear it clearly.

 

Haruka didn’t realize that he was standing really close to the break room's entrance. Tensing, he peered into the room and found himself looking at Makoto and Kisumi sitting right next to each other. He bit his lower lip hard. That was not the sight Haruka had wanted to see.

 

Makoto’s response was soft, so soft that Haruka couldn’t listen to what he was saying to the other. That's right…! Makoto’s birthday was coming up and he totally forgot about it. Haruka’s eyes went down unconsciously to the floor as the pressure of apologizing started building up on his shoulders. Being like this on Makoto’s birthday, Haruka wouldn’t be able to survive that...

 

He took a glance in Makoto’s direction and noticed how sad he looked despite how hard he was trying to hide it behind a smile. Haruka couldn’t take his eyes from Makoto, his heart aching inside his chest at the realization that he was in fact the source of Makoto’s unhappiness.

 

“Ah, you are not wearing my scarf today?” Kisumi asked and both Makoto and Haruka’s shoulders tensed on the spot. “What happened? Did it finally bore you?”

 

“Well, I um… you see...” Makoto looked troubled, unable to find the right words to say while Kisumi just smiled gently back at him.

 

Guilty. He couldn't remember the last time he felt so guilty. Haruka felt so guilty he couldn't think straight, or breathe normally anymore. Suddenly, the desire to leave that place increased in an inverse proportion to the desire to deliver the lunch box he held on hands.

 

Not wanting to prolong the suffocating scene occurring before his eyes, Haruka left the lunch box on the floor right next to the open door and ran down the hall to the nearest exist. He needed to leave, he needed to make things right and he needed to do it now…

  
  
  
  


The wind was picking up and the temperature was dropping. Standing outside of the restaurant, Sousuke regretted not bringing his coat with him for his shift that day. His short-sleeved uniform wouldn’t be enough to shield his body from the crispy air.   
  
He looked over his shoulder, noticing how Rin was still inside the building chatting with the owner, taking his time and laughing all the way while Sousuke stood shivering by himself out on the street.

 

"Tsk." Sousuke frowned while folded his arms across his chest. “Screw it, I’ll wait for him inside the patrol car.”

 

When Sousuke began walking toward their parked patrol car, he noticed a familiar face crossing the streets not too far from where he was standing.

 

“Haru…!?” Sousuke twitched at the sight of the other, his shoulders tensing.

 

What was Haruka doing around this area? If he remembered correctly, Makoto’s house was in a whole different district. Then, why was he here? Sousuke shook his head, there was no time for wondering; not now when Haruka was actually walking this way and Rin was finally coming out of the building.

 

Fuck. At this rate, Rin and Haruka would end up running into each other!

 

“Hey Sousuke!” Rin called with a wide grin. “Sorry I took long, the owner was…”

 

Sousuke acted fast, running toward Rin and pushing him back inside the restaurant without further explanation. As Sousuke pushed Rin against the restaurant's closed door, their bodies collided from the force and both officers fell onto the floor, catching the attention of several surprised customers.

 

“What the fuck is your problem, Sousuke?!” Rin, who ended up under Sousuke, demanded as he punched the other’s chest in annoyance. “Get off me!”

 

But despite Rin’s demands, Sousuke remained still. He just looked down at Rin, his teal eyes piercing, as if he were trying to speak to the other without the use of words.

 

“Sousuke…?” A dash of colour flushed Rin's cheeks in response as he felt completely powerless to the sight of those eyes. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't move, he couldn't look at anything but Sousuke’s eyes.

 

“Just hold on for a second, Rin,” Sousuke whispered, noticing Rin’s confusion and deciding to go ahead and explain. “You are not ready to see him yet.”

 

To see _him_ yet? Rin grew quiet, just staring at the other until he slowly came to the realization of the person Sousuke was talking about. Again, he pressed a hand against Sousuke’s chest and pushed him away. Sousuke noticed how Rin’s face was now blurred with melancholy.

 

“Haru, huh?” Rin whispered, sitting up on the floor. “Is he out there?”

 

“Coming down this way, actually,” Sousuke corrected, now sitting next to the him. Both men stared back at the closed door standing right in front of them. “I’m sorry…”

 

“... Is he alone?” Rin wouldn’t dare look back at Sousuke once that question was asked, but Sousuke ended up being the one that was now looking back at him.

 

“Yeah…”

 

“I see.” Rin became quiet for a moment, probably thinking too much. Sousuke couldn't speak, he knew what he was supposed to say and what he shouldn’t, yet there was something he had been wondering for a while.

 

Was Rin really doing okay without Haruka?

 

After a moment of silence between them, Rin took a deep breath and stood up. “Sousuke,” Rin called, offering his hand to the officer sitting on the floor. “Stand up, your uniform will get dirty.”

 

Sousuke blinked, dragging himself out of his thoughts in order to grab Rin’s hand and be pulled up. “Yeah.” Now standing right next to each other, Sousuke noticed a sad smile taking over Rin’s lips. “Hey…”

 

“It’s fine. Let’s stay here for a while,” Rin spoke up, still not letting go of the other’s hand. “I… think I need some coffee.”

 

It was easy to tell that Rin was still hurting over the end of his relationship with Haruka, despite the two months that had passed by. Sousuke could feel the anxiety flowing through Rin’s veins any time they spoke about Haruka, every time he stumbled across one of their memories together. It was clear as water that Rin wasn’t and would never be over Haruka and that somehow made Sousuke uneasy.

 

He caressed Rin’s hand, rubbing small circles in his palm. As their eyes met one more time, Sousuke decided that he would remain by Rin’s side and would help him heal his broken heart. He made a silent promise right there, that he would stay by Rin’s side through it all.

 

“Coffee?” he smiled gently. “That sounds great.”

  
  
  
  


Later that day, when the sun was at it's highest and Makoto was at the end of his shift, he was walking down the hallway to the vending machines right next to the break room. He was deep in thought. His mind wandered between Haruka and the need to get rid of this feeling of betrayal that took over his heart since that morning.

 

Makoto knew that he needed to fix things with Haruka, but at the same time he knew he shouldn’t be the one apologizing… not this time, not ever.

 

As he pressed a button on the vending machine, Makoto let out a big sigh. “After all, you were the one that… started this, Haru,” he thought out loud with a sad look on his face.

 

“Seriously?!” One of his co-worked laughed from the break room, catching Makoto’s attention right away. “But it was on the floor, we can’t eat that! What if it’s poisoned or something?”

 

“You think I care, Oshiro? I’ve never tasted mackerel this rich in my life!” The second man responded while holding a piece of mackerel in the air with his long chopsticks. “Of course I am willing to take the risk! C’mon, try it!”

 

“Mackerel…” Makoto whispered, sensing a pattern right in front of him that made his eyes tremble. He couldn’t stop his feet from taking him to the break room until he reached the table where the other two were sitting.

 

“Oh, Tachibana! I’m glad you are here!” Oshiro started with a wide smile on his face. “Could you please help me tell Inoue that he is freaking crazy?”

 

“Why?” Makoto asked with a curious smile. “What’s going on?”

 

“Well, you’ll see…” Inoue started as he revealed the orange lunch box to Makoto. “I just found this forgotten lunch box on the floor back there and it’s amazing!”

 

“You found it…?” Makoto inquired.

 

“He found it on the floor!” Oshiro added. “That’s unsanitary!”

 

“Do you think I care? This Mackerel is worth it!” Inoue justified. “It tastes as if a professional chef had spent hours making this whole meal just for me!”

 

_Mackerel. Chef…_

_Could it be…?_

 

“D-do you mind if I have a bite?” Makoto inquired softly, trying his best to hide how hard his heart was beating against his chest.

 

“Sure. Go ahead!” Inoue offered and Makoto did not waste a second to grab a piece of mackerel with his fingers and push it straight into his mouth.

 

Makoto's blinked in surprise. He tasted the salt, the different spices, and then it suddenly hit him. There it was! That flavor! He could distinguish Haruka’s mackerel from anybody else’s.

 

There was no doubt about it; Makoto was entirely sure that Haruka had prepared the lunch box that was found on the floor. But… how? Why? More importantly, how did it get there? Had Haruka been here at some point today?

 

Makoto’s breath catches, and then he wondered if Haruka came all the way down to the station to apologize; his heart leap into his throat. Makoto couldn’t control all the questions rushing through his head and soon he couldn’t stand being there any longer. He needed to leave, he needed to see Haruka…!

 

“Excuse me, I-I need to go! I’ll see you guys tomorrow! Bye!” Makoto ran out of the break room and rushed through the hall, disappearing from his co-worker’s sight.

 

Both Inoue and Oshiro stared at each other in confusion for at least three seconds until Oshiro broke their silence, a wide smirk now playing on his lips. “See? You probably got Tachibana constipated or something.”

 

“Oh, shut up!” Inoue ranted.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think Kisumi ships MakoHaru (?)
> 
> Rating may or may not change in following chapters... It depends, sometimes I cannot predict either Makoto or Haru when I write :'D
> 
> BTW! The SouRin happened by itself!!!! <3
> 
> So... it's the first time in years I write a whole chapter in a day and it felt so refreshing!! I was going to wait until Wednesday to update the story but after reading all your comments from last chapter... I felt you guys deserved a quick update :)
> 
> Please leave comments if you would be so kind, I would love to know what you think! Ideas and any sort of opinion is very welcomed!!
> 
> Check out my Tumblr!  
> ohmynanase.tumblr.com
> 
> Love ya!


	13. Heal

When Makoto got home right before six, he was expecting to find Haruka at the kitchen preparing dinner for two, but instead he ran into grilled mackerel and some rice on the table waiting for him.

 

The house was entirely quiet, way too quiet for this time of the day. He found Mittens sleeping on the couch but no sign of Haruka nearby. Makoto pressed his lips together worriedly. He walked further into the house and checked the bathroom, but Haruka wasn’t there either.

 

Then, where else could Haruka be? Was he even home?

 

Suddenly, Makoto noticed under the bedroom’s door, and Makoto was finally able to breathe again.

 

So Haruka was home after all. A huge feeling of relief washed over Makoto. Without thinking, Makoto started towards the door, but right before his hand touched the doorknob, he stopped.

 

Makoto had to force himself to remember that he had been hurt just that morning by Haruka; he had to remind himself that he shouldn’t be the one going after Haruka, but it had to be Haruka, himself, seeking out Makoto instead.

 

Haruka had not apologized yet… and unfortunately there was nothing that Makoto could do to fix their issue before his birthday.

 

That was something Haruka needed to do, not him.

 

Makoto let a loud sigh escape his lips and walked away. He sat on the couch at the living room and placed his hand over Mittens head. The cat’s head rose from the couch, pinning his big eyes on Makoto.

 

“This is insane, Mittens,” he murmured, his green eyes narrowed in annoyance. “I just want to get over this nonsense before my birthday. I… wish Haru could just...”

 

The cat stared back at him, the expression in his eyes bored. Makoto closed his green orbs and pinched the bridge of his nose as he attempted to coax a new headache away.

 

“Oh Haru, just come out,” Makoto pleaded in a whisper, sounding slightly heartbroken. “Please… I am not even mad anymore.”

  
  
  
  
  


Yet, things remained the same the next morning and Makoto couldn’t stop himself from worrying. Haruka had been inside that room all night long, ever since Makoto arrived back from work up until that moment.

 

There he was; Makoto was right in front of the closed door with trembling lips. What if Haruka was sick? What if Haruka HAD been sick since yesterday and Makoto happened to be the worst friend ever that he didn’t check on him all night long?

 

The single thought made him shiver and experience and anxiety he couldn’t deal with. The scarf was already forgotten and his worry over Haruka kept increasing with every second he held his breath.

 

Mittens was sitting on the floor, right next to Makoto’s bare feet, staring at him as if he found the fluctuating expressions on his owner’s face amusing. His tail danced from right to left behind him, keeping in time with the loud, ominous ticking of the hallway clock

 

Makoto swallowed the lump in his throat. He turned the doorknob and blinked in shock when the door finally opened. Haruka was standing right in front of him with his right hand in the air; apparently caught in the act of opening the door from the other side as well.

 

When Haruka’s eyes met his for the first time in almost a day, they both stood there in silence.

 

There was something different in the way Haruka’s eyes lit up that morning, how it looked like he was holding himself back from speaking but still had so much to say at the same time.

 

Also, it didn’t take too long for him to notice how tired those blue eyes seemed to be, as if he'd been up all night; Haruka’s hair was just as messy as the work clothes he was wearing. The entire picture made Makoto wonder what had happened behind that closed door all night.

 

He drummed his fingers softly on the door handle, his lips trembling as he tried to find the right words to break this weird silence that stood between them.

 

“Are you…?”

 

“Late,” Haru spoke softly.

 

“Huh?”

 

“I’m late for work…”

 

“Oh.”

 

Haruka walked past him across the hallway and toward the front door with his eyes glued to the floor. Makoto felt his heart sink and his stomach twist in shock. “Haru—”

 

But Haruka did not stop and hurried out the house without saying anything else. Makoto was speechless, now staring at the front door; another door that Haruka had closed between them.

 

What a horrible thing; feeling miserable and alone on your birthday.

  
  
  
  


Every firefighter at the station knew Makoto, he was well liked and nobody wanted to miss their chance to congratulate him on his birthday. Yet, even though they meant no harm, their high energy and spirited wishes didn’t make Makoto’s day any better.

 

He was faking smiles and good cheer with practiced ease, when all he wanted was to find a moment for himself, sit in a corner and just… stay silent.

 

Makoto spent his entire shift like this, counting the hours until this whole thing was over and he could go home and hide from the world. But would that be worst? Because, if he went home, he would have to face Haruka and his strange behavior, and no amount of waiting could prepare him for that.

 

He flinched and his face twisted in frustration; Makoto just wanted a break from everything and everyone at that moment.

 

When the clock reached the afternoon, Makoto walked down the hallway saying goodbye to everyone he came across. His shift was finally over, meaning he was free to leave the building and go back to his own reality. He was not excited at the prospect of going home, nor was he eager to meet up with Haruka like he would normally be.  It seemed, that no matter how hard he tried, Makoto just wasn’t able to feel like his regular self. He wasn’t even sure what he wanted at this point. From himself, or from Haruka.

“Makoto!” A voice called out behind him and Makoto looked over his shoulder, finding Kisumi running in his direction with a bag in hand.

 

“Oh, Kisumi…” He turned on his heels and smiled toward his friend.

 

When Kisumi finally reached him, he pushed the bag against Makoto’s chest. “Happy birthday, Makoto!”

 

Makoto blinked several times in confusion, holding the bag as he waited for an explanation.

 

“It’s a present!” Kisumi revealed.

 

“K-Kisumi, you already gave me one,” Makoto stuttered.

 

“Well, it’s another one.”

 

“I don't think I should—”

 

“It’s fine, seriously!” Kisumi patted his shoulder and shot him a bright smile. “I know you are still upset that your two cats ruined the scarf I gave you, so I couldn’t stop myself from picking something else for you to have today.”

 

Slowly, the first honest smile from that day appeared on his lips as he opened his birthday present. “You shouldn’t have.”

 

For his surprise, this time Kisumi had gotten him a bottle of fancy wine to try. Even though he wasn’t a wine connoisseur , he couldn’t stop himself from feeling extremely grateful for having such a thoughtful friend like Kisumi around when he was feeling down.

 

His green eyes found Kisumi and his cheeks flushed slightly in response. “Thank you, Kisumi.”

 

For the first time that day, Makoto was able to stop thinking about Haruka and enjoy his birthday as he should. Kisumi, on the other hand, felt fortunate to witness another of his friend’s beautiful smiles.

 

“Hey, no problem,” he said, checking his watch. “Well, I better get going. I promised Hayato I would take him to the movies this afternoon but please let me know if you need someone to drink that wine with. See ya!”

 

Kisumi waved at Makoto and dashed through the hallway, leaving Makoto by himself. His eyes went down to the wine bottle he held in hands and sighed.

 

“Someone to drink the wine, huh?” he whispered with a sad smile now crossing his features. “Maybe that’s what I need for tonight…”

  
  
  
  
  
  


That night, Makoto came home to the sound of soft music playing on the stereo and a wonderful smell of something that had been cooking in the oven not too long ago. His heart was pounding hard, and his feet dashed on their own, away from the door.

 

When he reached the kitchen, all the lights were off and he blindly walked to the nearest wall, trying to find the light switch in the dark. Once he flipped it on, the view in front of him made his heart melt. On the table there was a cake, with one single candle on it. Makoto walked to the cake and saw ‘Happy Birthday, Makoto!’ written on it.

 

That was Haruka’s handwriting, Makoto knew best. There was this warm feeling spreading through Makoto’s chest that made his lips tremble until he finally managed to smile.

 

Haruka had baked a cake for him; he had remembered his birthday after all.

 

“Makoto.”

 

Makoto looked up and over his shoulder, finding Haruka standing right behind him with a neatly wrapped present in his hands.

 

“Haru…?”

 

When he finally turned around to face him properly, Haruka walked over and handed him the present while a light blush crossed his cheeks. “Happy birthday,” he whispered sheepishly, looking away. “M-may all of your wishes come true.”

 

Makoto blinked at him in surprise, looking down at the box he held in hands. His heart was beating faster from excitement, overflowing from the excessive amount of happiness he felt. His cheeks dusted a shade of pink, though he managed to look up at Haruka before he spoke again. “May I open it?”

 

“It’s your present, you can do whatever you want with it,” Haruka whispered.

 

“R-right!” Carefully, Makoto unwrapped the present while making sure he didn't tear the paper. He gasped when he pulled out a green, handmade scarf. “This is…”

 

“I know this is not the same scarf that Mittens destroyed but...” Haruka babbled nervously, never meeting Makoto’s green orbs while he spoke. “...I wanted to apologize properly for letting it happen.”

 

Makoto listened to him in silence and Haruka seemed to have gotten the hint that Makoto wasn’t going to speak any sooner, so he continued his monologue.

 

“I… did something really awful to you.” Judging by the way Haruka rubbed his palms together, tangling his own fingers against each other, Makoto could tell this wasn’t an easy conversation for Haruka to have. “I’m sorry.”

 

Haruka had always been a man of few words and Makoto knew that sometimes he wouldn’t listen to everything Haruka wanted to say through his words but from his eyes instead. So in silence, their eyes met and Makoto met a hint of sadness, guilt and regret in those blue orbs.

 

There was no doubt, Haruka regretted his actions but it did not matter how much he searched inside the other’s gaze, Makoto couldn’t comprehend why Haruka had behaved the way he did and he couldn’t live with that question any longer.

 

“...Were you mad at me?” Makoto finally asked and Haruka flinched instantly.

 

“Never!” Haruka yelled and Makoto jerked back, wincing. Haruka noticed Makoto’s reaction and looked down at the floor with a troubled expression across his face. “I-I mean, not at you at least. I think I was… mad at Kisumi.”

 

“What?” Makoto’s eyes blinked in genuine confusion. “Why?”

 

“I-I don’t know.” Haruka bit his lower lip and took a pause. Slowly, he looked up,nervousness sketching over his pale features. Makoto deserved to know the truth and, after how this whole situation evolved, Haruka knew there was no point in running away and hiding at this point. So he took a deep breath and continued. “I was jealous of him.”

 

Haruka savored the look of genuine surprise on Makoto’s face, unable to hide his own embarrassment either as they stared at each other.

 

“Haru...”

 

Haruka couldn't look at Makoto without being conscious of how hot his face felt, so he focused his attention on the nearest wall instead. “You two have gotten too close lately and maybe I am still jealous, but you are my best friend and… just the thought of Kisumi taking my place makes me nervous.”

 

It took a while for Makoto to process all this new information, he remained silent for quite a bit until a gentle, but shy smile took over his lips. “There’s… nothing to worry about, Haru,” he said in reassurance. “You are, and will always be, the most important person in my life.”

 

Those words meant the world to Haruka, so much that he felt his breath being taken away. His lower lip trembled, only slightly, but he hoped Makoto didn't notice it.

 

“Though, I don’t approve of your actions against the scarf, I can now understand your thoughts behind it,” Makoto continued.

 

A frown took possession of Haruka’s mouth, followed by a deep blush on his cheeks. “You were wearing it ALL the time.”

 

Makoto chuckled, scratching his cheek lightly while gazing down at the raven-haired man before him. “I guess you are right, but...”

 

He began wrapping the green scarf around his neck carefully as Haruka continued to stare in silence.

 

This green scarf was a bit thicker than what he would normally wear, but it was covered with Haruka’s scent and Makoto couldn’t stop himself from smiling sweetly. “...this scarf fits me better, don’t you think?”

 

Haruka's eyes lit up at Makoto’s words, leaving him speechless all of a sudden.

Then this new feeling took over his body; a necessity to spend every second of his life cherishing that beautiful smile of Makoto’s, one he didn’t know he had missed.

 

“It does…”

 

It was strange to feel this way, at least for Haruka, because it didn’t matter how much he tried to comprehend this feeling, the other time Haruka would feel this way was whenever he was close to a body of water.

 

“I was not aware you knew how to sew, though.”

 

“I didn’t, up until yesterday…” Haruka admitted shyly. “I watched... a bunch of Youtube videos.”

 

His green eyes went wide in amazement. “T-that’s impressive! You did an excellent job.”

 

So that was the reason behind Haruka locking himself in their bedroom last night, it made sense now; Haruka had spent an entire night sewing a scarf just for Makoto while he worried over nothing.

 

“Thank you very much, Haru-chan.”

 

“Drop the 'chan', Makoto.”

 

Unexpectedly, Haruka felt two strong arms wrap around him and his mind went blank. With wide eyes, he realized that Makoto was now hugging him and his body just froze in reaction.

 

Being in his arms felt like coming to a warm home after the coldest winter night; like everything was right, even when everything was wrong.

 

“Please… believe me when I say that you are my most precious companion,” Makoto whispered gently in his ear, in a deep tone Haruka had never heard before. “It is a fact that Kisumi and I are good friends but he would never take your place, not even in a thousand years. You got that?”

 

A shiver ran down on Haruka’s spine, leaving him slightly light headed. “Y-yeah…”

 

This was a side of Makoto he had never seen before; a side Haruka was not used to, yet. But the funny part was that Haruka didn’t mind this side of Makoto at all, actually… he was looking forward to seeing it more often.

  
  
  
  
  
  


“Where did you get this?”

  
  


It was later that night, Makoto was sitting on their couch as he browsed through his Netflix account while Haruka stood in the doorway, holding Kisumi’s wine in both hands.

 

Makoto blinked, but as soon as his eyes landed on the wine bottle, he tensed up. “Umm… it… was a birthday gift from one of the guys.”

 

There was no way on earth he would tell Haruka the truth; but technically he wasn’t lying. Yet after their previous issue, Makoto learned it was better to leave Kisumi’s name out unless it was necessary.

 

With a simple nod in response, Haruka stared at the wine bottle in silence for nearly ten seconds until his lips parted and he spoke. “Let’s drink this tonight.”

 

Haruka tried to hide his excitement, but the twinkle in his eyes was so bright that it couldn’t be missed. Makoto smiled, wondering if Haruka knew how cute he could be sometimes…

 

“Wine and pizza, though?” he asked, and Haruka nodded.

 

“It’s been years since my last glass of wine,” Haruka admitted while hugging the bottle against his chest, slightly embarrassed. “Rin wouldn’t let me drink…”

 

“Seriously? But why?”

 

Haru shrugged.

 

“Fine, you win.” Makoto sighed in defeat. “Let me find the corkscrew…”

  
  
  
  
  
  


“The wine is alive...”

 

“Haru, stop.”

 

They were both on the couch while a movie played on the flat TV screen but, for in the past half hour, Makoto had been the only one actually paying attention to the film.

 

Haruka held his wine glass up with both hands, as if it was the most valuable possession he had. “Once you drink up, it will immediately bare its fangs and attack you.”

 

“I can’t believe this…”

 

“But, there's nothing to fear. Don't resist the wine—”

 

“Okay, you’ve had enough.” He reached across and took the glass of wine away from Haruka’s grasp.

 

“Oi! Give that back!” Haruka tried to reach over, but Makoto caught his wrist in the air with his other hand and stopped him.

 

“You are drunk, Haru. How much have you had?”

 

“A bit.” But Haruka’s movements were clumsy, he could barely keep his head up.

 

“It doesn’t look like a bit to me.” Makoto sighed. “Now I understand why Rin wouldn’t let you drink, you have a low alcohol tolerance level...”

 

“Just give me my glass back!” Haruka kept stretching his arm to snatch the glass back, but Makoto held it up higher above his head and away from the other’s reach.

 

“H-hey, stop! Haru!” Their movements were rough; the wine began spilling down Makoto’s hand. “You are going to ruin the couch!”

 

Yet Haruka was not the type of person to give up, especially when he had his eyes set on something. He struggled against Makoto, but Makoto way stronger than him and wouldn't be defeated that easily.

 

As Haruka went in for another try, Makoto jerked to the left and Haruka, not expecting such a quick movement, was thrown off balance at the spot. Makoto saw this as an opportunity to grab Haruka by his shoulders, roll over and push him against the couch. However, it all ended up with Makoto accidentally dropping the glass and letting the wine spill all over the carpeted floor.

 

Makoto's shoulders hunched in shame. “Oh, great…” he whispered, looking over his shoulder to the floor where the spill occurred. “The renter is going to kill me if that stain doesn’t come off.”

 

There were no words coming out from Haruka’s lips, he was just laying on the couch with Makoto on top of him. Those blue eyes wouldn’t leave Makoto’s face, admiring his facial structure and noticing how perfect his nose was.

 

When Makoto noticed the lack of sound coming from Haruka, he looked down at him in curiosity. “What’s wrong?”

 

Oh!   
  
Haruka’s eye caught the sight of some leftover residue of the wine, right on Makoto’s upper lip and suddenly, he felt thirsty once more. His hand ran around to Makoto’s back and pulled himself closer up to the point where their noses brushed. He was intoxicated, therefore not fully capable of restraining himself from his own instincts.

 

“Har—?”

  
Makoto's sentence was cut off when Haruka sealed his lips with his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi :D
> 
> And... yeah, that just happened.
> 
> Check out my Tumblr!  
> ohmynanase.tumblr.com
> 
> Love ya!


	14. Drift

It felt like a dream. Soft lips melting gently against his, kissing someone he had only kissed in dreams. Makoto felt fireworks and his face burst into a shade of red. He could barely comprehend what was going on but he couldn’t care less.

 

Oh, he only wanted to feel...

 

Their gentle kiss grew as the missed heat sparked between them, becoming deeper, more heated and passionate.

 

What have he done to deserve a kiss from those porcelain lips? Those forbidden lips that weren’t meant to be kissed by him.

 

Haruka tasted like paradise and Makoto couldn’t get enough. He ignored how Haruka’s breath reeked of alcohol, letting his tongue go wild and explore the forbidden mouth that kept kissing him back furiously. 

 

Haruka moaned in his arms and Makoto groaned against his lips; they kissed each other with equal need.

 

Their kiss felt so good, yet so wrong. 

 

A voice inside his head kept begging him to stop, but he couldn’t bring himself to part from the sweet temptation. Makoto was so into the kiss that he flinched when he felt a hand groping his ass roughly. That was enough to break their kiss and bring Makoto back to reality.

 

Green eyes snapped open, his chest was heaving up and down with every breath he took. 

 

“Mako...to?” Haruka whispered. They locked eyes and held their gazes.

 

Oh, shoot.

 

Down below him was Haruka; flushed cheeks, drool falling from the corner of his mouth, panting and staring back at Makoto with a disoriented gaze. It was the most erotic sight Makoto had ever seen. He couldn’t move his body, couldn’t make his lips move, he was doomed.

 

“What’s wrong?” Haruka spoke again, eyes blurred by the alcohol running through his veins. He smiled, yet it was a very drunk smile that he shared. “Come back here.” A squeak left Makoto’s lips when he felt how Haruka’s hand squeezed his buttcheek. 

 

“O-okay. We gotta stop,” Makoto pleaded as he reached for Haruka’s hand and pulled it away. His face felt so hot that he forgot the wine stain on the carpet.

 

“Huh? Why now?” Haruka whined. He fought against Makoto’s grip, but Makoto was so much stronger than him (and sober, too) that it was useless. “It isn’t fair…!”

 

Oh, but of course it wasn’t fair. Haruka couldn’t understand how hard it was for Makoto to keep his hands to himself. But he still wasn't going to take advantage of Haruka in such a state. “Please Haru, let’s just stop here.”

 

“No!” Haruka fought back. “Makoto, I’m horny. Take responsibility!”

 

“Huh?! But I haven’t done anything!”

 

“Exactly!”

 

It all felt like a dream, or maybe a fantasy. Not even in a thousand years Makoto thought he would hear those words coming out of Haruka’s lips. It made his whole body hot, lusting over a body that wanted to be his and his alone.

 

Unconsciously, Makoto licked his lower lip feeling his stomach burning with sweet anticipation. 

 

_ Go wild _ , his desire said, but Makoto couldn't; he absolutely couldn't go any further however much Haruka kept insisting to do so. No matter how he wanted to, no matter how long he had been dreaming for a moment like this to happen, Haruka was intoxicated and this wasn’t what Makoto wanted.

 

“We are stopping now,” Makoto said with authority. “And you’re taking a bath to sober yourself up.”

 

Leaving no room for argument, Makoto helped Haruka off the couch and guided him to the bathroom, where he had to force him into the tub for the first time in his life. Once Haruka got in and the water was running, Makoto let out a long sigh that echoed through the hallway as he leaned his back against the closed door. 

 

Makoto covered his forehead with his palm and slid down until he was sitting on the floor. He could still feel Haruka’s lips on his, could still taste him, could still smell him. Gosh, he couldn’t stop thinking about him. He started shaking and he couldn’t stop.

 

All these years he had dreamed of kissing Haruka, of finding out if those lips were as sweet as he imagined. But now that they finally shared a kiss, now that he finally tasted heaven, Makoto felt so damn lost. 

  
  
  
  
  


Haruka's hair was still slightly damp from the bath, and the fresh smell of soap filled the room. He was laying on bed, staring at Makoto who was sitting right next to him; his long fingers brushing Haruka’s wet bangs into place. The silence between them was thick, but not uncomfortable; they had so many things in mind that speaking wasn’t something that mattered. It was almost midnight and Makoto’s birthday was almost over yet, after their shared kiss, that date was nearly forgotten.

 

Blue eyes studied Makoto quietly. It took maybe a couple minutes before Haruka’s lips awakened to let go a question that had been bugging him for a while now. 

 

“Why are you still single…?” Haruka deadpanned, head resting on a pillow.

 

“Mm?” Makoto looked at Haruka who waited for his answer behind a sleepy face. Instead of blushing or getting frustrated by that question, Makoto smiled kindly at his best friend. “Why are you asking that question all of a sudden?”

 

“I’ve been thinking about it for a while,” Haruka admitted, closing his eyes momentarily while enjoying Makoto’s soft touch. “You are… really handsome, kind and a great kisser. How can a guy like you stay single for this long?”

 

“You’re still drunk, Haru-chan,” Makoto chuckled, yet his eyes shined with melancholy. 

 

Haruka opened his eyes and glared at his best friend but said nothing in return, knowing that an answer was about to reach his ears.

 

“I don’t know.” It came as a whisper. “I guess I am not willing to be with somebody else that isn’t...”

 

_ You. _

 

“...the person that I am in love with.”

 

Haruka processed Makoto’s answer in silence, staring now at the wall across the room. It took him a moment to realize what Makoto was talking about: unrequited love. Makoto was in love with someone, yet his feelings were not returned. Oh, it all made sense now. He could see the pain in Makoto’s eyes, feel it in his voice and that forced smile on his lips. 

 

“You are broken, just like me,” Haruka said, finding his way to Makoto’s hand and tangling their fingers together. “Why aren’t you and I together?”

 

Makoto looked back and met his gaze, not trusting his voice yet.

 

“I’m single too,” Haruka continued. “I can love you very much, if you let me.”

 

“Haru…”

 

“I know I would be safe by your side, you wouldn’t hurt me…” Haruka kept going. “It makes sense to me. I am always happier when I am with you; we are best friends after all.”

 

Makoto curved his palm over Haruka’s cheek, his thumb caressing the contour of his lips as their eyes met. “There's nobody else I would rather be with,” Makoto revealed. “If you ever chose me, then I would cherish you for the rest of my life… even more than I already do.”

 

Haruka’s eyes shined with hope but, before he could say anything, Makoto spoke once more, “But that’s a question you need to ask me when you’re sober. Not now when it’s probably the alcohol talking.”

 

Haruka closed his eyes just briefly and concentrated on the palm resting against his cheek, so warm and soft, he did not want to pull away. He ended up placing his own hand over Makoto’s and slowly managed to form a smiles. Makoto's genuine loyalty and virtue was something Haruka had always admired.

 

“You know, that was my first kiss in a while,” Haruka admitted, their previous topic already left behind. “Rin stopped kissing me a couple months before we broke up, it was kinda depressing. I nearly forgot how to kiss back.”

 

Makoto expression was shocked at first and then his whole face was covered in compassion. Haruka must have felt really lonely, he probably felt rejected as well. 

 

What was going on in Rin’s head? How did he stop being in love with someone like Haruka? That’s something Makoto couldn’t just understand and he thought about it frequently. Rin had had Haruka’s unconditional love for more than five years and he still let him go…

 

Yet, Makoto knew that he couldn’t put the blame on Rin. You don't get to simply choose when you stop being in love with someone.

 

“And don’t get me started with the last time we had sex.” Haruka tried to sit up, but his arms were too weak and he couldn’t support himself, so he fell back on to the bed and Makoto sighed. 

 

“It’s fine, you don’t really need to tell me about that.” 

 

Haruka pouted at him; he wanted to give a snappish reply, but his eyelids felt so heavy that he chose to give up instead. His limbs felt heavy from exhaustion and he was unable to move. 

 

“You need some rest,” Makoto said gently, so gently that Haruka felt lulled into a pleasant slumber. His warm hand began caressing Haruka’s forehead, green eyes traveling along Haruka’s face. “You’re going to have a hangover tomorrow, so I'll call your boss for you. Okay? Go to sleep, Haru.”

 

“Would you sleep next to me tonight?” Haruka whispered with his eyes now half-closed.

 

It didn’t take Makoto too long to answer. “Of course,” he said, as if he had been planning to stay all along. “I will stay next to you, always…”

  
  
  
  
  


When Haruka woke up the next day, he ignored at first the way Makoto’s green eyes kept avoiding him when they woke up next to each other first thing in the morning. Haruka was way too busy dealing with his hangover that Makoto’s hurry for leaving home early wasn’t something that mattered. He covered his face with the bed sheets and fell back asleep until ten.

 

He left bed feeling like his head was going to explode, it hurt too much that Haruka did not make an effort to recall what happened the day before. Slowly, he dragged his feet out of the bedroom and all the way to the kitchen. He begun preparing some tea in hopes that it would reduce the nausea and fatigue attacking every bit of his body.

 

Mittens found Haruka sitting on the couch with a cup of tea in hands not too long after. They both stared at each other for at least five seconds until Mittens broke their gaze and ran into the kitchen, leaving his second owner by himself. 

 

Carefully, Haruka drank his hot tea and relaxed his shoulders against the couch. He was halfway through his cup, mentally repeating to himself that he was never going to drink again, when his eyes landed to the wine stain on the carpet right next to his feet.

 

His eyes went wide, the torrent of memories rushing through him was overwhelming and made his vision unclear. Haruka placed the back of his hand against his forehead and suddenly his heart was beating hard and fast against his chest.

 

They kissed.

 

He kissed Makoto…!

 

Haruka couldn’t deal with himself at the moment, ashamed of his own actions, of whatever the hell he said while he was drunk. “This is bad…” he whispered,  remembering Makoto’s lips on his being the most amazing thing he'd ever felt.

 

Though his memories were blurred by the alcohol he drank the day before, he could recall almost everything that happened. He remembered the way Makoto took care of him all along: stopping when things were getting out of hand, sending him to take a bath and then staying with him before lulling to sleep.

 

His cheeks turned a bright red and he quickly stood up from his spot. He didn’t know what to do with all this embarrassment growing in his gut. 

 

How the hell was he supposed to face Makoto after all this? Especially after he had asked his best friend to have sex with him while drunk. Haruka bit his lower lip and dropped himself back onto the couch. This whole situation was out of his comfort zone and he barely knew how to handle it. However, the more he dug into his memories, the more intrigued he felt.

 

He knew for sure that Makoto would never judge him based on what had happened, because that was just how Makoto was but, hold on a second…

 

Makoto had kissed him back, hadn’t he?

 

‘There's nobody else I would rather be with.’

Memories flooded through him, surrounded in Makoto's voice and Haruka felt his throat tighten. Just what did Makoto really mean by saying such a thing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SEASONS GREETING!!!
> 
> Thanks again for reading my fanfic, I can't believe this baby is already 14 chapters long. Woah... I was thinking about this the other day and it would be really nice if I can reach 20 chapters or more. I've never done a fanfic/story longer than 15 hahaha, so it would be nice to break that habit and do it on this one. Besides, this story is just writing itself and finally I can sense Makoto getting out of the friend-zone soon... (or maybe not ;D )
> 
> Either way, I am so exited for next chapter... things might get REALLY interesting so... see you next chapter?
> 
> Check out my Tumblr!  
> ohmynanase.tumblr.com
> 
> Love ya!


	15. Awareness

Makoto parked his car by the porch and locked it up. He stopped at the sight of Haruka standing right in front of the closed door holding Mittens in arms; that was something he had seen before, before when things were easier but far more complicated. Haruka raised his eyes from Mittens to meet Makoto’s and they held gazes for the very first time since he had sobered up.

 

“Haru…” 

 

They both felt their cheeks boiling at the glimpse of the other. Makoto felt his breath catch in his throat with so many things he wanted to say, yet his eyes instantly locked onto Haruka’s lips. He couldn't forget their kiss, it haunted him ever since he woke up that morning right next to him. He spent the entire day at work trying to forget how perfect those lips felt against his own that he forgot to prepare himself for this moment. 

 

Makoto opened his mouth to talk but Haruka was the first to speak.

 

“Can I talk to you for a moment…?” he asked, and somehow that simple question felt like the weight of a thousand worlds was pressing upon Makoto's shoulders.

 

There was no point in pretending that he had no idea what Haruka had been wanting to talk about; he could tell what Haruka’s intentions were with just a glance..

 

“O-of course,” Makoto spoke again. “Let’s talk inside. I don’t know how long you’ve been waiting out here and I don’t want you to catch a cold or something...”

  
  
  
  


They were sitting on the couch, facing forward and submerged in an awkward silence they were not used to sharing. Makoto had never been good at overthinking;  thoughts were swirling through his mind and his heart felt heavy.

 

However, he was not the only one dealing with all sorts of monsters inside his head. Haruka, too, had spent his entire day thinking and overthinking of the blurry memories from the day before. Confusion took over and nothing could take his mind away from reading too much into what had happened between them.

 

Soon, the silence was broken to the sound of his voice. “About yesterday…” he began. “I’m sorry for getting drunk on you, I didn’t mean to ruin your birthday like that.”

 

“You didn’t ruin my birthday, Haru,” Makoto corrected him quickly. “In fact, my birthday was special this year because I got to spend it with you.”

 

“But I kissed you, Makoto,” Haruka replied way too fast for Makoto’s sanity’s sake, causing the other to flinch the moment those words broke into the air. It was funny, but sad at the same time, how easily Haruka could talk about the kiss they shared, a kiss that meant the world to Makoto and probably nothing at all to Haruka 

 

Makoto’s lips trembled briefly before a smile forced its way out. “It’s fine, nothing you should worry about,” he said, pretending he was okay when he actually wasn’t. “Really.”

 

Haruka was looking right into Makoto’s eyes and knew that he was lying. It was just something Haruka saw in his eyes, something in the way Makoto looked at him; something that had always been there but Haruka barely noticed just now.

 

Yet, it was that same ‘something’ that made Haruka uncomfortable. 

 

“Why? Do you regret it?” Makoto asked quietly,  fearing the potential answer.

 

Haruka had been unfazed by the idea of dating men even before the whole Rin situation happened, but with Makoto things weren’t exactly the same. Makoto was his childhood friend, his best friend; Haruka was young and his only real love experience was with someone whose personality was entirely different than Makoto’s. 

 

What if what he just saw in Makoto’s eyes was just pure confusion?

 

He had never actually questioned Makoto’s sexuallity, that was a subject that had remained unspoken even until that day. They had never spoken about it, not even after the jealousy scene he caused with Kisumi’s scarf. Haruka’s knowledge regarding Makoto’s love-life was based on mere assumptions.

  
“I… don’t know, it… really depends…”  Haru stuttered and cast his eyes down.

 

Love is something completely different than friendship. This realization was evident but scary to Haruka; it was like starting something all over again. There was no way on earth he would risk that friendship for his own recklessness. It was all he had left.

 

“Depends on what?” Makoto asked, his hands shaking slightly. 

 

Haruka looked back at Makoto, eyes shining with concern. “Are you in love with me?”   
  


It was the question that Makoto feared the most, the one he had hoped to never answer because he knew the truth would spill out from his lips within seconds. There was no way to deny it, it wasn't getting him anywhere. He had most definitely fallen in love with the wrong person.

 

“Y-yes,” Makoto responded after he caught his breath. He knew they couldn’t be friends anymore, he needed to taste those lips again. But it was okay, because this time it would be up to fate . “I’ve loved you for so long, for more than half of my life.”

 

Haruka couldn't help but show his shock at the confession. His eyes widened and his shoulders tensed up. He never knew that his best friend was in love with him. Out of everyone, Makoto had fallen in love with him. 

 

The air was thick around them, Haruka kept hearing Makoto’s breathing over their silence. He took in a gulp of air, finding it harder to breathe. Haruka wanted to speak, but he didn't know what to say; he felt overwhelmed.

 

Instead, it was Makoto who couldn’t handle it any longer and stood up from his spot without further notice. “I-I’m sorry…” He winced at how his voice trembled a little. “I need to go.”

 

_ Don’t apologize, please. Hold on... _

 

Haruka felt like screaming; he clenched his fists and put his head back down.

 

“Makoto…”

 

But not even Haruka’s voice was enough to stop him; Makoto practically sprinted out of the front door and left, leaving a confused Haruka behind. He hopped into his car and stepped on the accelerator, speeding his way out.

 

Makoto drove away as far and as fast as he could, trying to stop his hands from shaking all along. His mind was rushing and his heart was burning. This was it. He had done it. He just confessed, for heaven's sake! This was awful. He was not ready to deal with the consequences; he knew it, he should have just kept his feelings buried and hidden away!

 

His nerves were insanely high, like they would snap at any second from the tension. Makoto didn’t need to hear Haruka’s answer to know he had messed up; his silence and shock had been quite enough.

 

His thoughts were driving him insane; his greatest fear had always been losing Haruka, losing the person he loved the most. Those green eyes blurred with tears and then Makoto started crying uncontrollably. 

 

Makoto cried out softly, barely letting any noise escape from his lips. All he wanted was to go back and keep that question unanswered, to change the topic, to never let his bestfriend know how much he loved him.

 

So deep in thought and in his own misery he was that he missed how the green light turned red right before he crossed the intersection. A car coming his way honked at him and Makoto jerked back abruptly. His eyes went wide, his heart nearly stopped, and he hit the brakes hard. His car lurched forward for one terrifying moment, but stopped just before the other car dashed across his way.

 

Makoto knew he was safe the moment he heard more than one car start honking at him. Time seemed to stand still for a moment. Oh, that could've ended very badly. His car was blocking traffic, stopped right in the middle of a busy intersection, yet Makoto was still so shocked that he couldn’t even move.

 

“Hey, hey, hey!” a voice yelled from the outside and Makoto blinked several times before snapping out his shock and looking out the window. There was a patrol car parked behind him (shoot!), and a really pissed off officer coming his way. 

 

“Oh boy…” Makoto whispered, rolling the window down. He breathed in and out, trying to calm himself. 

 

“I hope you know that this whole scene is going to cost you a ticket, sir,” the cop said as he leaned his elbow on the doorframe as he leaned in. But things took an unexpected turn and Makoto was as surprised as Rin was when they finally faced each other. “Makoto…?!”

 

“H-hey, hi.” Makoto tried to smile but his lips only quivered, he felt hopeless. 

 

Just from looking at him, Rin could tell that Makoto had been crying. Puffy eyes, red stained cheeks, trembling voice; Makoto looked miserable.

 

“What happened to you?” Rin asked before he could even stop himself. “Are you okay?”

 

Makoto flinched, and looked down. “I-I’m…”

 

Cars in all directions began honking their horns angrily at them. Rin looked over his shoulder and ‘tsked’ at the traffic now surrounding them. “Okay, Makoto,” he started. “If you are not injured, I need you to move your car out of the way and clear the intersection for the others.”

 

“A-ah, sure. I’m sorry,” Makoto excused himself before realizing not just his hands, but his whole body was shaking. Suddenly, the whole idea of driving seemed insane and absolutely unappealing to him.

 

Apparently, Rin noticed that as well. He bit his lower lip with a troubled expression on his face and grumbled. As he scratched the back of his neck, Rin let out a loud sigh and gave in to helping out his childhood friend. “Go park your car over there and wait for me. I can’t let you go like this.” He paused. “Besides, you and I need to talk.”

 

Makoto’s big green eyes lit up for a second, the comfort and familiarity that came with knowing that somebody cared made his hands stop shaking slightly for a second. He breathed in and nodded, taking his foot from the brake and driving his way out the intersection.

 

“This guy…” the officer muttered with concern, adjusting his hat over his eyes. 

 

Rin continued with his duty and worked with the traffic, taking his whistle out and directing the other drivers until it started to flow smoothly.

  
  
  
  


Sitting inside his car, Makoto waited. He had his forehead pressed against the window, not really paying attention to the scenery behind the glass. His green eyes looked tired. Not sleepy. But tired of pretending. Pretending he wasn’t in love, pretending he was okay, pretending he could cope with the emptiness that had been cursed upon him. 

 

His gentle breathing fogged up the window, blurring his own reflection. Maybe it was better to just let it go, let it happen, let it just be. What’s done is done, now Haruka knew Makoto was in love with him and there was nothing he could do to change it.

 

Maybe… it would be better if he just accepted the fact that things would never be the same after this.

 

The passenger door opened and Rin got in with two cups of hot beverages in hand. He adjusted himself in his seat, turned to Makoto and offered him one of the cups.  “Here, got you some green tea.”

 

“Thanks,” Makoto whispered as he took the beverage, his icy fingers warming up as he held the cup safely in his hands. It steamed gently in the cool air of the car. He drank, discovering that he was thirsty after all.

 

They remained there in silence, both taking their time enjoying their drinks. Rin drummed his fingers against his knee, every so often glancing over at Makoto as he tried to organize his own thoughts. It was just that he had no idea how to start, he had never seen Makoto like this before.

 

Hold on, he actually had. And the scary part was that he knew Makoto would only react this way toward a certain someone. That someone was Haruka. Rin took a deep breath, not too sure if he wanted to get himself involved.

 

He only hoped that he wouldn’t regret it later.

 

“So…” Rin broke the silence between them. “What happened?”

 

Makoto remained quiet for a moment, unable to gather all his thoughts together and find simple words to describe how he felt. “It’s nothing.” 

 

“Of course it’s nothing,” Rin said sarcastically, rolling his eyes in annoyance. “You missed a red light and almost got yourself killed in a car accident because life’s beautiful, right?”

 

Makoto’s shoulders sunk and he felt his eyebrows twitch a little. 

 

Rin wondered if he was being too harsh on his friend and bit his tongue. “Sorry,” he whispered, running a hand over his forehead. 

 

Makoto looked over to Rin and shook his head slowly. He studied the red-head’s features in silence and wondered how much he could vent to him regarding his current distress. Would Rin be okay if Makoto brought Haruka into the conversation?

 

This was kinda awkward.

 

“If you don’t wanna talk about it, it’s fine. It’s just that you seemed so distressed and lost when I found you,” Rin spoke softly to Makoto, eyes glued down to his own hot drink. “You worried me.”

 

Makoto looked quietly at Rin, a warm feeling unfolded inside him. “I’m sorry for making you worry,” he responded. “Getting out of my comfort zone has always been a huge issue for me.”

 

“Yeah, I know.” Rin looked back at him and smiled. “I know you pretty well, afterall you are my friend.”

 

Makoto wore a timid smile for a second but then his expression became anguished, devastated, and he ended up looking away. “I… think I messed things up with Haru.” 

 

Those words came out evenly, but Rin could still hear the hint of pain hidden behind his voice. Even though Rin’s heart ached when he heard his ex’s name, he kept a serious face and listened to whatever Makoto had to say in silence.

 

“Haru has always been really clever, he figured out my feelings toward him and asked me about them.” Makoto couldn’t look back at Rin, he was blushing and somehow scared of his friend’s reaction. “I couldn’t lie; I confessed to my best friend.”

 

There was a long pause, then Rin closed his eyes and chuckled. “Of course you are in love with that guy,” he whispered. “Ever since elementary school, right?”

 

“E-eh?” Makoto’s green orbs were filled with pure shock. “How…?!”

 

“I guessed that the very first time that I saw you two together,” Rin continued, leaving his empty cup on the floor and folding his arms across his chest. “Everybody knew you were head-over-heels for Haru.”

 

“I am not really sure how to feel about this.” Makoto’s cheeks burnt to the ardent level of red.

 

“It’s whatever, seriously.” Rin shrugged, listening to the gentle chatter of outdoor sounds. A  dark emotion flashed across Rin's face before he continued .  “I liked him so much…”

 

Makoto’s lips were sealed, he couldn't speak.  He just listened, feeling weak as he gripped onto the armrest.

 

“Even though I knew you were in love with him, I pulled him away from you and confessed first.” Rin glanced at Makoto, who had been silent the whole time. “I was in such a hurry, wanting to confess before you did. Afraid of losing him, I wanted him to be mine only.”

 

There was a pause in the conversation, tension floating in the air.  “But he was not mine. He never was.” 

 

“Rin…”

 

Rin cleared his throat, and threaded his fingers through his hair. “I-I really don’t know how things ended up today after you confessed but, I know that guy. You’re special to him. Give him time to think and things will be alright.”

 

“It’s not that simple, Rin. If he rejects me, I would not be able to live with myself afterwards.” Makoto’s eyes looked empty, scared. “I need him…”

 

“And I am sure he needs you too, Makoto.” Rin could feel his heart sink a bit.

 

Not pushing the topic further, Rin checked his watch and sighed. “Alright, my shift will be ending soon,” he announced, looking back at his friend. “If you need a place to stay while you guys sort things out, you can stay at my place.”

 

“You wouldn’t mind?” Makoto perked up, hopeful. Going back home to where Haruka waited didn’t seem like the best idea, at least not now that the situation was still too fresh in their minds.

 

“Nah, just… don’t pull a Haru. Text him, let him know your whereabouts and save some trouble,” Rin said thoughtfully. “I’ve been in Haru’s spot and it isn’t nice.”

 

Makoto remained quiet, staring at Rin before dropping his gaze to the floor. “...Yeah, you are right.”

 

He'd found that he didn't deserve a friend like Rin.

 

_ ‘You don’t have to answer the call, Haru. You don’t have to go back, tonight either.’ _ Makoto could still hear Haruka’s cellphone ringing in the back of his head. That was probably the worst advice he had ever given to Haruka and now Makoto couldn’t handle the guilt that filled his chest. He wondered if things would have still been the same if Haruka had answered the phone that night. Maybe Makoto was the reason behind the rupture of Rin’s previous relationship. After all the trouble he’d caused, Makoto was sure now that he didn't deserve a friend like Rin.

  
_ Sorry, Rin... _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... lots of things happened in this chapter. AND THE CONFESSION FINALLY HAPPENED!!! What do you thing that will happen? If you guys noticed... I used this fanfic title somewhere around this chapter and I felt so pleased lol. I wanted for Rin to be a cop in this fic JUST because I wanted him to pull Makoto over hahaha!! Mission accomplished!!!
> 
> I worked REALLY really really hard on this chapter, hope you guys liked it!
> 
> Check out my Tumblr!  
> ohmynanase.tumblr.com
> 
> Love ya!


	16. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For this chapter, at least for the final scene, listen to this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Q5-4yMi-xg

 

9pm. The silent sound of loneliness echoed through the walls of the empty house. Haruka set off walking to the beach, the wind blew his hair back from his face, revealing an expression of immense confusion. Haruka was still processing all the information he had taken in.

 

Haruka felt his cheeks burn hot as he let it sink in, feeling his heart beating rhythmically in his chest as he sat down on the sand close to the water and closed his eyes. Makoto was in love with him, he really was, and it seemed that he had been for a really long time. 

 

He breathed in, opening his eyes to the night sky. How did he never notic? It was so obvious. Makoto had been there for him at his darkest times, never leaving his side, always offering him a warm smile that was able to light up any dark night.

 

Haruka prayed it would all turn out for the better. He valued Makoto’s friendship, he didn’t want to lose him over anything. Gosh, he could never survive without Makoto. He was, to Haruka, as necessary as any body of water; an oasis in the middle of the desert.

 

Things needed to be fixed between them .  Haruka knew they needed to talk about the situation first and he could totally see it happening inside his head. He was sure Makoto would probably tell him that it’s okay if he didn’t feel the same, but Haruka began wondering if that was really the case. 

 

_ They _ seemed like a good idea…

 

Haruka took into account how desperately he needed Makoto right now; how lonely he felt when he got that last text from him, how he wished he could hear his voice right now. Maybe… he liked Makoto too. He was uncertain before, but when he recalled the way he enjoyed how those lips melted against his, how safe those arms felt around him, and how jealous he felt over Kisumi that time, it erased all the doubt that had preoccupied him before.

 

###  How long does it really take to fall in love, anyway?

 

“Makoto…” he whispered into the starry night.

 

It was scary, though. A really big step to be taken. Allowing himself to even say he liked somebody else after he had just left a toxic relationship not too long ago, Haruka wondered if he was mad or something.

 

But it was Makoto, the shelter that wouldn’t let the rain come through. Haruka knew that if he was with Makoto, everything would be alright. 

 

However, Haruka couldn’t help but wonder if… it was okay to let himself fall for somebody again so soon.

  
  
  
  
  


“Sousuke, I’m home,” Rin said while taking off his jacket and shoes before stepping inside. 

 

Makoto, who was closing the door behind him, stopped dead in tracks and stared at Rin’s back with confusion written all over his face. “Sousuke?”

 

Rin looked over his shoulder and shrugged. “Oh, did I forgot to mention it? Sousuke moved in with me earlier this month.” Giving his back to Makoto, he began to walk away. “Rent is cheaper when you have someone to split it with, anyway.”

 

Keeping his blush hidden from Makoto’s green eyes, Rin bit his lower lip and kept walking down the hallway. Of course he was aware that that was not the only reason why Sousuke moved in with him in the first place, but there was no way he could tell Makoto the entire truth. Besides, Rin wasn’t even ready to admit it out loud yet.

 

He was walking into the kitchen when he ran unexpectedly into Sousuke. They both stared at each other for two brief seconds before Sousuke smiled down at him. “Oh,” he said gently. “Welcome home.” 

 

“Hey…” Rin smiled with extreme fondness, his red eyes looking warmer than they had ever done before; carrying so much affection for who was standing in front of him.

 

There was something in the way Sousuke looked at Rin, something Makoto was quite sure it wasn’t there before. What exactly was going on between them? Where Rin and Sousuke still just best friends or…?

 

Briefly after, Sousuke noticed Makoto standing right behind Rin and raised an eyebrow in confusion.

 

“Makoto?”

 

“Hi, Sousuke…” Makoto said sheepishly, trying to hide the fact that he wasn’t prepared to interact with somebody else but Rin for the night.

 

“I totally forgot to tell you, this guy is staying the night with us.” Rin cleared his throat and announced casually, “You better not mind.”

 

“Aren’t you two too old for sleepovers?” Sousuke teased, grinning at the annoyed look Rin gave him and the blush now covering Makoto’s cheeks. 

 

“Very funny, asshole,” Rin replied sarcastically. “You know what? Do something nice for the first time in your life and start airing out the futon for Makoto.”

 

“What? But you invited him!” Sousuke whined.

 

“And now you’re being rude to my guest?!” Rin growled. “Just do it!” Despite Sousuke’s complains, Rin managed to turn him on his heel and push him all the way down the hallway into the bedroom, leaving a puzzled Makoto all by himself in  the kitchen.

  
  
  
  


It started raining somewhere around two in the morning. The wind was blowing stronger than before; raindrops clicked against the roof while a wide-awake Makoto watched them run down the window.

 

Makoto couldn't sleep, he couldn’t stop thinking about Haruka. He felt restless and exhausted, despite being in bed, wishing he could just shut down his mind and fall asleep. 

 

He rolled over in the futon, laying on his side with his back to the window, and pulled the covers tighter around his cold body. “This shouldn't be that hard,” he mumbled with frustration.

 

Despite the darkness, Makoto glanced at the phone laying next to him. Sadness took over his features, wondering if Haruka was doing alright. 

 

He never heard back from Haruka after the text message he sent earlier, but he didn't expect to as things were still awkward and new between them. 

 

In his text, he mentioned he was staying at a friend’s house that night, but he didn’t specify that friend was Rin for obvious reasons. 

 

He hugged the covers close to his chest and curled into a ball of sadness under the sheets.

 

Hearing only the rain falling now even more violently, Makoto stared hopelessly at the wall expecting nothing, so when his phone screen lit up with a new message for him, his green eyes went wide in surprise.

 

Quickly, Makoto stretched his hand out of the covers and grabbed his phone. His heart was pounding hard against his chest once he brought his phone close and read the screen.

 

He checked the notification, seeing that it was a message from Haruka.

 

**From: Haru** **  
** **Hey.** **  
** **[02:47, 11/19/2016]**

 

Makoto stared at his phone screen for several seconds before it finally hit him. His fingers were quaking so badly that he almost dropped the phone. Haruka had just texted him! Such a short message was still enough to leave Makoto breathless.

 

But why was Haruka texting him this late at night?

 

Makoto swallowed with difficulty, the lines of his shoulders tense, finding the courage to reply difficult in that moment.

 

**From: Makoto** **  
** **What are you doing up so late?** **  
** **[02:49, 11/19/2016]**

 

**From: Haru** **  
** **I can’t sleep.** **  
** **[02:50, 11/19/2016]**

 

**From: Makoto** **  
** **Me neither** **  
** **[02:54, 11/19/2016]**

 

A pause prevailed long enough before the next text message arrived.

 

**From: Haru** **  
** **I’m sorry.** **  
** **[02:59, 11/19/2016]**

 

Those green eyes stared at the screen for a while, not only at the words on the text message, but at the meaning behind those letters. He couldn’t understand.

 

**From: Makoto** **  
** **For what?** **  
** **[03:00, 11/19/2016]**

 

**From: Haru** **  
** **For not realizing your feelings sooner.** **  
** **[03:00, 11/19/2016]**

 

Oh, so that was what he was talking about. Makoto’s eyes softened sadly.

 

**From: Makoto** **  
** **That isn't something you should apologize for.** **  
** **It was simply out of your control.** **  
** **[03:01, 11/19/2016]**

 

A pause.

 

**From: Makoto** **  
** **I didn’t want you to know...** **  
** **[03:07, 11/19/2016]**

 

As the message sent, Makoto couldn’t ignore the emptiness growing wild like an expanding balloon in his gut. He felt so exposed; betrayed by his own self and body. There was no point of hiding it from Haruka any longer. Haruka knew he was in love with him. He knew…

 

And now what? 

 

**From: Haru** **  
** **You were always there, even when I was still with Rin.** **  
** **[03:13, 11/19/2016]**

 

This was killing him, slowly.

 

**From: Makoto** **  
** **Of course I was going to be there, you are my best friend.** **  
** **The one I love the most.  
** **[03:15, 11/19/2016]**

 

Hesitation hitched in his chest, but the message had already been sent. There was no point in hiding now. It had just slipped through his fingers, because it felt so right to finally be true to his own feelings.

 

**From: Haru** **  
** **Are you coming back home?** **  
** **[03:17, 11/19/2016]**

 

**From: Makoto** **  
** **You want me to?  
** **[03:17, 11/19/2016]**

 

**From: Haru** **  
** **Yes.  
** **I miss you.  
** **[03:17, 11/19/2016]**

 

His heart skipped a beat upon  reading  those words. It felt so good to know he was missed by Haruka. Suddenly, he felt  his heart filling up with something else .

 

**From: Haru** **  
** **I have been thinking about what you said.** **  
** **I can’t stop thinking about it, actually.** **  
** **Let’s talk, face to face.** **  
** **[03:24, 11/19/2016]**

 

Makoto swallowed, his fingers trembled as he typed up his reply.

 

**From: Makoto** **  
** **I don’t think I am ready.  
** **This wasn’t how I wanted to confess.** **  
** **Heck, I didn't think this day would ever come.  
** **I don’t know what I am supposed to do now...  
** **[03:27, 11/19/2016]**

 

**From: Haru** **  
** **Just say it.  
** **Confess, one more time.  
** **Let me hear it again.  
** **[03:34, 11/19/2016]**

 

He had to read the message twice just to make sure he wasn't reading it wrong. His throat went dry and his heart nearly stopped; Makoto didn’t know how to react.

 

**From: Makoto** **  
** **What are you trying to say?  
** **Haru, don’t say stuff like that.  
** **You make me think there’s hope...  
** **[03:37, 11/19/2016]**

 

Makoto held his phone as if it were a life-line, he loved Haruka too much not to. Haruka simply was his everything, and just a ray of hope was enough to leave him hanging.

 

**From: Haru  
** **Come home.  
** **Let’s talk.** **Please.  
** **[03:40, 11/19/2016]**

  
  


Those texts were running through his mind, over and over. He could almost hear Haruka’s voice speaking to him. A light calling him home. 

 

His legs moved of their own accord, pushing him back to his feet. The pillow fell to the floor, followed by the bedsheets as Makoto stumbled in the darkness looking for his belongings. He moved across the room and got his shoes on with a single goal in mind.

 

To Makoto, the time didn't matter at all. Nothing, not even the rain, could stop him. He scribbled down a note, knowing that Rin would find it eventually, and left through the front door without looking back.

 

The streets were drenched in water as the rain continued to fall, showing no mercy to the only car driving that late at night. Makoto drove. He drove as fast as he could. He needed to get home, he needed to get to Haruka. The rain on his windshield ran down like a waterfall,  partially diminishing the visibility through the glass, but not enough for Makoto to not find his way home.

 

The clock announced the beginning of a new hour right when Makoto parked his car right in front of his own place. The house was barely lit at all, with only one light on where Makoto assumed all his answers awaited.

 

Makoto could hear his heart pounding in his ears, louder than the rain, as he got out of the vehicle. He walked forward, fighting back his fears that only seemed to grow stronger with every step he took towards the house. 

 

He shivered in his thin, drenched clothes as his hand landed on doorknob; the front door had been left unlocked. When Makoto opened the door, he found Haruka standing right in front of him and blue eyes met green.

 

They both remained quiet, just staring at each other. There were so many silent questions in Haruka’s eyes, many that Makoto wanted to answer, yet he didn’t know where to start.

 

“Haru…”

 

“Your feelings,”  Haruka's voice hesitated. “Let me hear them one more time, Makoto.”

 

Makoto stared at Haruka silently for what felt like hours, his heart beating faintly beneath his shirt. He had waited all his life for this moment, for Haruka, and finally it was happening.

 

He had known since the day he had been born that his heart belonged to Haruka and now he was feeling an excitement he had never felt before.

 

“I am so in love with you, Haru,” Makoto confessed with trembling lips and glossy eyes. “You have no idea how much I do. I want you in my life more than anything or anyone!”

 

Those green eyes never left him. “You are always gonna be the one…” and in a whispered rush, he finished.

 

Haruka's eyes widened a little, those blue orbs glowing in a way they had never done before. 

 

After a moment of hesitation, Haruka took a step forward, slowly. Then another. He paused again, his gaze steady upon Makoto’s.

 

They stared at each other without a word or a movement. The barrier between them simply dissolved and crumbed into little pieces as Haruka’s hand landed on Makoto’s left cheek.   
  


Those pleading green eyes stared at Haruka with pure confusion, noticing how the other was getting closer and closer. This time there was no wine, no alcohol to influence their actions, there was simply each other’s desire waiting for the inevitable to happen. And when it did happen, Makoto eyes went wide in shock.

  
Haruka's lips, soft and determined, met with Makoto’s and they shared the most sincere kiss ever given.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the song "First Love" from Utada Hikaru is the one that have been helping me write Makoto's feelings in this story. (Song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Q5-4yMi-xg ) I listen to it over and over during significant scenes like the ones in this chapter and the right words just come out from my fingertips into the keyboard. Lately, I call it the 'Makoto song' hahaha. I've listened to so many versions, but I decided to share the original version for the ones that have never listened to it before. I consider this song, the greatest love song ever made :')
> 
> I've always thought that sending text back and forth with the one you love is somehow romantic, so I wanted to give it a try for this chapter. EVERYBODY gets more sincere late at night, hahaha.
> 
> Well, let's see what happens after this chapter. I hope that you guys like this chapter and see you soon!


	17. Revelations

They had been together for two months; time did not seem to matter between two souls in harmony with each other. Things between them didn’t change that much. However, things such as the way they looked at each other, the tones of their voices, the tiny things in general, were enough to emphasise the different shades their relationship carried now that they were lovers.

 

Makoto woke up by the first rays of the morning sun, gently filtering in through the curtains of the room he now shared with Haruka. Sharing the sheets with him, cherishing his sleepy face, waking up next to him just like every morning. Maybe, Makoto could get used to this life. His heart felt like an eternal summer, warm and bright; like a waterfall of flowing gold.

 

His hand went to Haruka’s cheek to cup it gently, guarding his sleep in silence. How many times did he dream about waking up next to Haruka’s sleeping figure? It felt like he had dreamed of it a million times, but no dreams could compare to the reality that they now shared.. 

 

When Haruka woke up minutes later, their eyes met and locked easily. Makoto greeted him with a warm smile, just like he always does. Haruka’s gaze was sleepy and Makoto noticed how those pale cheeks turned brighter right before his eyes.

 

“Good morning, Haru-chan.”

 

“I told you, stop calling me -chan,” Haruka mumbled, rubbing his sleepy eyes with the back of his hand. “You never listen.”

 

Makoto laughed sincerely at Haruka’s familiar response. It was not what Haruka would say, but more the reactions he would get from him that told Makoto everything he needed to know.

 

_ Just stay with me forever,  _ Makoto thought.

 

“But Haru-chan is Haru-chan, there’s nothing I can do about it. Unless you want me to call you ‘Haru-tan’ instead?” he finished with a playful tone, smiling.

 

"Makoto, you—”

 

Flustered, Haruka couldn’t handle the embarrassment glowing on his pink cheeks so early in the morning. He sat up on the bed, his eyes wandered to the alarm clock on Makoto’s nightstand flashing  _ 8:05 am  _ on its screen.

 

“Do you realize your shift starts in twenty-five minutes?” Haruka revealed, dodging Makoto’s previous question and witnessing how those green eyes went wide in panic. 

 

“What?!” Makoto almost fell from the bed. After fumbling messily, the man was finally able to stand back up and grab his phone still charging on the stand. “You gotta be kidding me! I can't believe my alarm didn't go off again!”

 

Haruka shrugged and laid back on bed; he pulled the covers up to his nose and curled up.

 

“W-why are you going back to bed?!” Makoto questioned not too long after, taking his shirt off as he wiggled out of his pajama pants. “Don’t you have to work too?”

 

“Today is my day off,” Haruka said from under the covers. “I do what I want.”

 

“Your day off? Really?” Makoto whined. “Lucky you...”

 

Haruka hummed a noncommittal response and Makoto left the room with his work clothes under his arm to take the fastest shower ever taken. 

 

That was how their mornings usually went. That's how they always went. Small talk, laughter, rushing and a goodbye kiss before they headed off to work. Although their life was a routine, Haruka and Makoto didn't seem to have any issues; they both actually liked it because Haruka was what Makoto needed, and Makoto had always been what Haruka wished he could be.

 

Though things were working fine, Haruka had a hard time giving himself completely to the mercy of this new relationship. Scared, holding back, Haruka was so afraid of getting his heart broken once more. He told himself not to think in terms of permanence, but to breathe in and hope this relationship wouldn’t end up like the last one.

  
  
  
  
  


Haruka found himself walking down the streets of Iwatobi, taking the same route he always did at the same time every week on his day off. It was an unspoken routine he had worked his way into; Haruka would walk his way to the fire station right before noon, meeting with his lover and spending Makoto’s lunch hour together.

 

As he crossed a street, Haruka kept his head down. He found himself thinking and thinking all over again. Even though his life started to feel good again and everything started to fit together, Haruka couldn’t stop himself from frowning. He was so scared of happiness, of smiling and then finding his everything being taken away.

 

It wasn’t easy, it was so painful living in fear…

 

His feet came to a stop as he reached the station, looking up to the building looming above his head. After he took a deep breath and tried to shake those bad feelings away, Haruka claimed the stairs and walked his way through the place he was now familiar with.

 

Toxic thoughts ran through his head as his steps echoed through the empty hall. Oh, how similar the beginning of this relationship felt from the one he had with Rin before. So right, so perfect. Haruka realized that his shoulders were now shaking.

 

When you are running from a heartache, you can't run far enough away.

 

“Ah, Haru!” a voice called. 

 

Haruka looked up; there he was, Makoto, with that look on his face and a smile that never faded. Makoto ran straight toward him, and Haruka felt his cheeks tinting in red.

 

It was when Makoto finally reached him, that Haruka admired Makoto’s pure feelings for him. The way Makoto shyly placed his eyes on Haruka was enough to lift his heart and brush his fears away. 

 

“You got here earlier,” Makoto stated the obvious, their relationship still too new for him to get used to the exclusivity that their title as a couple carried together.

 

“I got bored at home.” Haruka looked away for no reason, just maybe feeling the same way Makoto did. 

 

“Well, it’s a good thing you did because I am starving already,” Makoto said after a moment before chuckling softly. He rubbed his hands together and took a step towards Haruka, offering him one hand with a gentle smile on his lips. “Shall we get going?”

 

Haruka stared at Makoto’s hand for a while before accepting it slowly; their fingers intertwined without any thought, similar to the dedication their hearts held for each other. Those blue orbs searched the other’s, and when their eyes met, Haruka felt captivated by Makoto’s smile.

 

“Yeah…”

 

For the first time in a very long time Haruka’s heart felt safe; feeling safe in Makoto’s hands more than anybody else’s. Trust was a strange sensation, something new for Haruka. Makoto’s gentle eyes were enough to stop his world from spinning, enough to make him feel confident with the route this relationship was now taking.

 

Haruka managed to smile and, without a second thought, he walked forward and got rid of the distance between them. He kissed his lips softly. Then hesitated.

 

“H-Haru?” Makoto, whose cheeks were rosy, asked still shocked from that unexpected kiss.

 

“I’m glad… you are with me,” Haruka whispered, unable to look back at his lover after such a confession. “Thank you for… loving me, Makoto.”

 

“E-eh?”

 

Haruka felt his whole face burn up and turn a bright red and, before Makoto could say anything else, he began pulling insistently on the other’s hand and dragged his lover as fast as he could out of that place. Makoto was shocked, very surprised, from those unexpected words that reached his ears. Haruka was happy, he was glad that they were together. Nothing else could make his day brighter than it already was.

 

His smile became wider, his cheeks were now hotter, but Makoto couldn’t help but chuckle in response as he was pulled down the hall. 

 

It was...not love what made Makoto happy, it was being in love with Haruka what made every day worth smiling for.

  
  
  
  


The weather that day wasn’t as bad as it could be for a January morning; it was cold but not too cold, and Rin was glad for the absence of the wind. His nose was red as he was still recovering from a cold that he'd gotten from a night sleeping with his hair still wet from a late shower, but not even a runny nose could keep him from missing work.

 

Sousuke was speaking with a young man, around his mid-twenties, owner of a Family Market which had recently been robbed. Rin was looking for some papers inside the patrol, searching on the front part of the car and in between the seats. He was starting to get frustrated, wondering how such important papers had gone missing in the first place.

 

He got out of the car, annoyed, slamming the door shut and ready to yell at Sousuke for not leaving the papers in the right place, but his thoughts stopped abruptly when his red eyes spotted a couple walking on the other side of the streets.

 

A cold shiver ran down Rin’s back and for a second he couldn't breathe. 

 

They there were, Haruka and Makoto, walking next to each other while holding hands. The couple was so absorbed in their conversation, that they didn't notice Rin watching them from the other side of the road. At that moment, Rin swore his whole world stopped.

 

All sorts of thoughts crossed his mind within seconds; he couldn’t take his eyes from Haruka.

 

It felt so weird, looking at the person he once loved walking right next to somebody else. It was horrible, it was painful, and when Haruka smiled at Makoto, Rin’s heart constricted.

 

Even though he heard it from Makoto before, even though he knew this was going to happen eventually, after almost six months of breaking up with Haruka, Rin wasn’t ready to know and realize that Haruka had moved on and left him behind.

 

His legs moved by themselves and, before the first tear rolled down his cheek, Rin found himself running away from the scene. He heard Sousuke calling his name in the distance, but that wasn’t enough to stop him. Rin thought he was stronger than this, that meeting with Haruka again wouldn’t hurt this much, but it did; it hurt so damn much and he couldn’t understand exactly why. 

 

He ran past so many people, missing the shocked looks on their faces as they saw a uniformed man crying uncontrollably down the streets. So overwhelmed and confused, Rin couldn’t see past his nose. He wanted to get out of sight and disappear from the world. Rin was running away from all the memories that Haruka’s face brought back to the surface.

 

Fortunately, he found an alley away from the prying eyes of the public in the city. When Rin got inside, he stopped and fell on his knees. Covering his face with both hands, Rin cried harder than he had done in a while. Letting it sink in, Rin felt sorrow welling up in his chest.

 

Rubbing his eyes, he heard somebody running into the alley and stopping right behind him. “Rin…” a voice that he knew too well spoke. The redhead didn’t have the courage to look over his shoulder, not when he felt this vulnerable.

 

“I-I saw him, Sousuke,” he whispered, ashamed of the tears running unheeded down his face.

 

“I know.” Sousuke walked forward, carefully, kneeling right next to Rin.

 

“I thought I was over him,” he sobbed. “T-then I saw him with Makoto and…”

 

“I know.” He placed hand gently on Rin’s shoulder. “It’s alright, you don’t have to say it.”

 

They remained silent, Rin lost in thought while Sousuke listened to the other’s unsteady breathing slowing down. They both knew this was going to happen sooner or later, Iwatobi wasn’t precisely the biggest town in Japan. In fact, Sousuke could say he was surprised that it took this long for this to happen. 

 

For Rin it was hard, so hard, breaking up with someone that meant the world to him and realizing things couldn't go back to what they were. Sousuke knew Rin blamed himself for his doomed friendship with Haruka; Rin thought it was his fault that things ended up the way they did…

 

Not being able to even say ‘hi’ to the person that once was his reason to live.

 

Sousuke caressed Rin’s back gently and Rin felt comforted. 

 

“I don’t know why I am crying…” Rin broke the silence established between them, catching Sousuke’s attention right before he continued speaking. “...but I think it's because I finally realized he is happy without me.”

 

It hurt to see somebody that used to be yours in somebody else’s arms...

 

No words came out of Sousuke’s mouth, he was just listening while caressing Rin’s trembling back softly. Sosuke knew all this pain was necessary if Rin wanted to let go.

 

“I know Makoto is the right guy for Haru.” Rin closed his eyes tightly and slammed a fist against the floor. “I helped the guy out for fuck’s sake! But I…!”

 

Rin lips trembled before he faced Sousuke. “But I loved Haru,” he whispered in a broken sob. “I used to love him...”

 

“Rin.” Sousuke’s hand went to Rin’s cheek and gently cupped his face. He stared into Rin’s shocked eyes, finding himself reflected in them. “Let the past be the past.”

 

Rin's tears fell without him making a sound, he was not even trying to hold them back. “It’s not that easy, I can’t just…”

 

But Rin was cut off when Sousuke placed his index finger on his lip and hushed him. “Don’t let the past steal your present, because…” Sousuke took a deep breath and spoke in his slightly trembling voice . “...I want to be your future…”

 

Speechless, Rin was lost for words. The heat from his body traveled all the way up to his pale cheeks, and he paused, looking upon Sousuke with great intensity. “Sousuke…”

 

“I am in love with you, Rin,”  he whispered though trembling lips. “I have been for a long time. But you know that, don't you?”

 

Suddenly, everything around them disappeared and Rin couldn’t take his eyes from Sousuke. His heart was pounding inside his chest, thundering, and he knows why.

 

Of course he knew, all these years he knew. Sousuke’s feelings made Rin feel alive.

 

Without a word, Rin nodded frantically and Sousuke wrapped his arms around Rin and held him close against his chest, close enough for him to hear his heart beating fast.

 

“I love you too, Sousuke,” Rin murmured, the tips of his ears turning pink in embarrassment. 

 

“I… know,” Sousuke responded, his shoulders unable to stop shaking. “You won’t ever be alone…”

 

They remained like that for a long while, they couldn’t recall for how long, but Rin felt that during that time something happened, something between them changed. Sousuke caressed the back of Rin’s neck and caressed his long red hair. When Rin’s breathing finally evened out, they broke their hug and their eyes met.

  
Without even thinking, Sousuke leaned over and kissed Rin.  The blush that had started to recede came flooding back, but Rin couldn’t stop himself from kissing him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys had no idea how hard it was to come up with this chapter, I knew what I wanted to write but I didn't know how to put it into words. It was sooo hard and frustrating but thankfully everything came out by itself as soon as I started listening to the Starting Days OST. God bless YouTube and all the free music you can access from there!!
> 
> Thanks to Gwen Stefani for inspiring me for Rin's scene with her song "Used to love you". 
> 
> Anyway, this story will be ending soon and I am getting nervous...
> 
> Check out my Tumblr!  
> ohmynanase.tumblr.com
> 
> Love ya!


	18. Epilogue: Encounter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is unbetaed, so please point out any mistakes you notice.

Time passes by in a flash, and years go by like minutes. It seems that life goes by faster when you're doing things the way they are supposed to be done, or at least that’s what Haruka thought right after his twenty-eighth birthday when everything in his life finally seemed to fit into place.

 

A similar thought crossed his mind when ‘The Silent Kitten’, his own bakery, was featured on a food network special for the very first time. Haruka never quite dreamed of running a bakery, in fact it all seemed to be such a hassle, but it just ended up happening one day. Yet, even though people don't think much of it, running a bakery was a lot of work.

 

But Haruka wanted to bake what he wanted; he wanted to be free. 

 

_ To be free… _

 

Now? Haruka was more free than he had been in his whole life and had everything; a successful career, a perfect lover, an ordinary life. His life was perfect. Or so he thought.

 

Haruka would wake up everyday to live his routinary life over and over; the peaceful life he always wanted. But, if this was what he had always wanted, why would Haruka constantly find himself dreaming and wondering about the past? 

 

This year, it would be fifth year he had been in a relationship with Makoto and Haruka couldn’t help but feel the anxiety building up inside his chest. He feared a non-existent curse, an invisible thread that could mark the end of the relationship he cherished the most; just like it happened in his previous relationship with Rin.

 

With Rin…

 

The first serious relationship he ever had was with Rin, and it lasted a little bit longer than five years as well. Haruka couldn’t control his own unreasonable fear for the number five. What if Haruka couldn’t maintain a relationship for more than five years? What if this curse he believed in was actually real?

 

Haruka shook his head, holding a piping bag full of white icing as he took a pause from decorating the wedding cake due for later that day. For how long would he continue letting his insecurities get the best of him? Restricting himself from feeling confident in his relationship with Makoto, from enjoying the moment, from accepting it was okay to feel okay.

 

Letting his breath go with a sigh, Haruka decided to concentrate on the final touches on the cake before his thoughts became corrupted once more.

 

“Haru.” The kitchen’s door opened, and Makoto appeared with a phone in one hand and the other against the kitchen’s metal door, holding it open. “Mrs. Takamura is calling, wondering if you are almost done with wedding ca—. Oh.”

 

“I just finished,” Haruka deadpanned, standing right next to the finished cake.

 

“I-I can tell. Wow...” Makoto stared at the cake in front of him in amazement. A voice from the phone receiver called for Makoto, and the brunette quickly placed his phone back against his ear. “A-ah? Yes. Y-yes, it’s ready for pick-up. Yes, we close at six. Of course...”

 

Haruka watched Makoto struggling his way out of the kitchen into the front desk, probably searching for some information Mrs. Takamura was asking for. His bored, blue eyes wandered slowly around the room, stopping on the window across the kitchen. It was nice outside. Although it was already early October, it was warm enough for leaving the jacket home and wearing short sleeves shirts and light clothes.

 

Deciding he needed a break, and sometime away from work, Haruka took his toque and apron off and dropped them on the table next to the cake. He exited the kitchen and walked passed Makoto, exiting from behind the counter and into the front area.

 

“Ah, Haru?” Makoto called, hurrying over to his lover now that the phone call had ended. “Going for some fresh air again?”

 

Haruka nodded, both hands now hidden inside his pant’s pocket. “I need a break.”

 

Makoto smiled understandingly, placing a kiss on Haruka’s cheek right after. “Alright, love,” he whispered and Haruka felt his cheeks flush red. “Just don’t take too long, there’s somewhere new I wanna take you for lunch today. Okay?”

 

“Yes, I’ll… be back soon,” Haruka responded, still quite unused to Makoto’s public displays of affection. 

 

Haruka walked out from The Silent Kitten, cruising down the streets with no destination in mind. The sunset was only a couple of hours away and, as Haruka kept walking, the colors of his surroundings became gray and his mind wandered through memories, some pleasant and some ill. His heart grew full and vulnerable when a red-headed appeared inside his mind again.

 

He missed Rin, even after all these years, he always had. It was a natural emotion to carry for a precious friend, a friend that had disappeared from his life once their chapter as a couple had concluded.

 

Ashes remained, even though the fire was no longer burning inside his chest. Haruka was hungry for answers, sick of remaining quiet and not finding out if he was ever missed as well.  It didn’t matter if his current relationship was going great, Haruka was fully aware that he would never be able to give himself completely to Makoto until he could close the cycle from his previous relationship with Rin. 

 

Because even if his heart belonged to Makoto, even if his eyes could no longer look away from those green orbs, there was still some pain inside his heart when Rin’s name was mentioned out loud.

 

There was nothing really left to be said or done because they tried everything and nothing seemed to work between them. Wrong circumstances, wrong times, wrong feelings, wrong everything! Haruka hoped that at least in their next life they could actually stay in each other’s life for good, because even though they both moved on in this one, in days like these, Haruka could still feel the emptiness in his heart that Rin left behind.

 

The wind blew slightly, rustling through his dark locks when he reached a familiar railway crossing to find his way blocked by a level crossing. A train's whistle echoed in his ears and Haruka lifted his eyes from the ground.

 

When he looked up, Haruka could have sworn he’d seen this scene before. Right before his eyes, Rin was there, standing across the railway. He looked just as Haruka remembered him, as if the years had not hit him, as if it had only been thirty-five minutes since he last saw him. And their eyes met.

 

“Rin.”

 

Rin's eyes widened at the sight before him. “Haru...?”

 

The train ran across the tracks blocking Haruka’s view and leaving Rin hidden behind the other side of the railway. Haruka could feel his lips trembling, his heart was beating faster than it did before. He knew that once the train passed, a new opportunity would present itself, and things would get done the right way this time.

 

Haruka waited for what seemed an eternity and soon, his view became clear again. The train disappeared, leaving a strong breeze behind. Blue met red for the first time in years. Rin's red hair was still flowing with the afternoon breeze, but he remained still even after they were finally free to cross the rails. Rin was hesitating, even though he knew Haruka was in front of him, he couldn’t make a move. 

 

But Haruka had no time for second thoughts, no time to waste and let this opportunity fade away; he took a deep breath and crossed the railway with determination. 

 

It was time to receive answers, because maybe they didn’t have to wait until the next life to be part of each other’s world again.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me!
> 
> I consider the saddest thing in the world to lose a friend after a failed relationship. Haru and Rin were friends since elementary school and shared so many things together even before they started their relationship. Imagine suddenly one day breaking up with someone who started as a friend and then not being able to recover that friendship because your romantic relationship ended? It's sad... and I think it makes Rin and Haruka more real in the story to feel the way they are feeling near the end.
> 
> What happens after this scene is up to your imagination. I have my own version inside my head, but I think it would be more interesting if I leave the story as it is, with an open ending, so you guys could imagine your own. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading my story; each and every comment meant the world to me. You guys kept me motivated all along and I have no words to express how I wouldn't be able to finish this story with out you. (Except the hater that left that one stupid comment, you can go to hell, sir. :D Lol. jk... not really.) I'll mark my story as complete, BUT a second part may or may not happen. I have some ideas inside my mind but I reached a point where I need a break from 'Not Mine' and start something fresh and new. 
> 
> Check out my Tumblr!  
> ohmynanase.tumblr.com
> 
> Love ya!


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